** Note: this is a brief excerpt from Chapter
6 of my book “The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self”
It's a general
rule that no one becomes aware of the consequences of not loving the self until
he is well down the road of not doing so. When realization dawns, or in a
session with a therapist, it becomes obvious that poor self-image, lack of good
care for the self, and spending most of one's waking moments in a fog of
blindness, or lack of awareness, form part of it. Further, having unhealthy
needs that substitute so much, yet that another individual, more
psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually fit, would have long begun fulfilling
for him or herself, as opposed to succumbing to substances, gambling and so
much else, also form part of those consequences of not loving the self.
Finally, serving a master called you
should are all merely indications of the heavy price that is paid for not
loving the self. It can always be undone, but as with most habits and ways of
living one's life, the more deeply ingrained these habits and beliefs are, the
more diligently one has to work in order to eliminate them.
Poor Self-Image
We don't
love the self because we have a poor self-image, but conversely, we have a poor
self-image because we don't love the self. Where does the poor self-image come
from, bearing in mind that most of those who suffer from it, acquired this self-image
that leaves so very much to be desired, long before they may have ever heard of
the concept of loving the self?
One obvious
place to start is by recognizing that we compare ourselves to others. When
we're in the sandbox we notice that Johnny has a bigger bulldozer. Later, we
notice that Mike learned how to spell very quickly and that Jennifer always
seems to know the answers to the questions the teacher asks. The fact that I
can draw animals to perfection seems to pale in the light of all these other
amazing, coveted, and admired intellectual achievements of my fellow first and
second-graders. As we fast forward to another point in the development of our
growing poor self-image, we find that Rachel's parents have a maid and spend
their winter vacation in the Bahamas, while in our family we take a sled out to
the hills surrounding town and consider ourselves fortunate to be able to slide
down in that brilliant and packed snow. We don't pay so much attention to the
fact (or perhaps we're less aware of it) that Rachel's mother drinks too much, but
by now our poor self-image extends outwards to our parents, who in some fashion
don't seem to measure up. Lest you accuse me of making everyone a snob or an
aspiring snob, let me remind you that these are the continual messages we
receive via mass media, social media, billboards, television shows, and just
about everywhere you turn. We receive them when we're toddlers and we start
watching cartoons on TV, and we continue to receive them as we sit in an old
people's home in a wheelchair. Our society has made the message ubiquitous and
until someone (you and I) sits up and takes notice and does something to change
it (global, monumental and all-encompassing, or small and grass-roots: any kind
of change will do, as long as it grows), nothing will change: nothing at all. So the insidiousness of
this message of comparison - where I generally come out losing, because I'll
always be comparing what I am or what I have, to what I don't yet have or have
not yet achieved, or perhaps will never have and will never achieve, because
now it is too late - the insidiousness of this message leads to many negative
outcomes, only one of which is poor self-image.
And just to
reiterate: a poor self-image has such fertile soil upon which it is able to
flourish because as long as we are led to believe - and continue to believe -
that what gives us high self esteem must come from the outside, from external
sources, we will never understand the colossal rift between such a belief and
the fact that true self esteem must be born, in fact, from the inside. It must
come from the individual who gestates it within, and cannot be gained - can never
be gained in any real and lasting way - from outside sources, because
self-esteem gained in that fashion will never be true and will never have the
ability to reliably endure.
Poor Care
Think about
how you treat some of your possessions. How about that Jaguar in your garage?
How are you treating it? Oh, you don't have one? Well then, how about your Rolex? I
bet you take good care of that. Don't have that either? The Armani suit? The
Gucci bag? The Ferragamo gown? The Vuitton briefcase?
Whether you own any of these items or
not, I imagine that if you did, you would take very good care of them - treat
them well, in other words. So if you take such good care of your
special possessions, why don't
you take the same kind of good care of yourself?
We place great value on some of the
objects that populate our lives, even if they are not as costly as the ones indicated.
Perhaps you are a book lover, and cherish each of those volumes in your library.
Perhaps you play the piano and the one standing in your living room is lovingly
tuned on a regular basis. Perhaps you play golf and you clean and polish those
irons each time you play 18 holes. You get my point. What is it
about us that we do not tend to cherish ourselves?
One thing is how we do or do not love
ourselves, but quite another thing is how we
treat ourselves. This involves the care we give our bodies (quality of food,
air, exercise, relaxation, and rest, quality of the company we keep, and what
we feed ourselves with our eyes, our brain;
i.e., what do we watch, what do we read, what sort of conversations do we
have), as well as the care we take in speaking
to ourselves. Call this 'how we nurture'
ourselves.
Imagine you are out on the golf
course and came in way over par. What words do you sling into yourself, as you
berate yourself for the idiot you were for not being able to play better? Would you speak
like that to your young son or daughter whom you are teaching how to play? Would you not - instead - encourage him or her to try again, saying that next time they have a good chance of
doing it a whole lot better? Would you not speak words of positive and
proactive support, in order to ensure that they would indeed try those shots again
on the most constructive and helpful note possible?
Imagine you have just tried a new
recipe and somehow it did not result in quite the mouth-watering gourmet dish
you expected. Are you angry at your lack of culinary expertise? Do you insult
yourself for being less than perfect? Or do you have an internal conversation
that encourages you to try it in another way, or to consult with someone who
has greater knowledge than you about the subject, recognizing that this is the
way one learns, by trial and error and by asking questions of the experts.
What are your mistakes and failures, but attempts at doing something
that has not yet quite become a successful part of your repertoire? How did you learn how to drive? Were you perfect from
the start?
How, for that matter, did you learn how to walk? I love using this
example with my clients. We've all learned how to walk, even though we may not
remember it, and many of us either have children that we have observed learning
how to walk, or we know children of other people that we have observed in that
same process. What happens? Doesn't the burgeoning walker get up from a
crawling position by holding on to furniture or the legs, skirt, or trousers of
a conveniently placed adult and take a few steps? Doesn't that child then
totter forwards, with a big grin on its face in view of this new world he is
discovering? And doesn't he then almost always fall? What happens then? Does he
make faces at himself, and shake his fist, and shout (assuming he was not hurt
in the fall)? No. The child simply lifts himself up again, and tries again,
supremely convinced that this time it will work. And if it still does not, the scene is repeated. And repeated and repeated
again. Not once does the child think I'm so bad
at this, I guess I had just better leave it,
because I will never succeed. I am such a failure. And what does the adult that is observing the child do? The moment the
child falls, he shouts at him, telling him how stupid he is for not knowing how
to walk yet. How on earth could he not have done it perfectly the first time?
Don't you see what an idiot you are, he continues to berate the child? Of course
not. The loving or caring adult opens
his arms to the child, encouraging him to get back up on his feet, claps, even
if he fell, simply for having tried, and encourages him to try it again,
showing him how much he, the adult, believes in the capacity of the child to
master this process, and how much he loves the child.
This is love. This is constructive
encouragement. This is bringing out the best in another. And this is how we
must treat and care for our most valuable asset - ourselves. Caring for the
self in loving ways is simply a corollary of loving the self. Encouraging the
self, believing in the self, approving of the self - even in cases of numerous
bungled attempts - and also admiring the self for all of these attempts, all
forms part and parcel of loving the self.
Being Lost in the Fog of Blindness
Being blind
has much to do with not living on a conscious and aware level. Achieving a
state of such awareness has very little to do with intelligence and
demographics, and much more to do with having had the good fortune to either
hear someone speak about the importance of self-reflection and awareness, or to
read about it, and then to internalize the concepts, and to then practice over
and over again, until awareness becomes automatic and second nature, so that
not being aware is noticed immediately simply because it tends to rob one of
much of your inner well-being. In many instances individuals come to such a
state of awareness after much pain and distress in their lives, after having
hit, so to speak, rock bottom in some way, whether through abuse, loss,
illness, abandonment, grief, depression, and a myriad number of other ills to
which we - the human race - are susceptible. In those instances, such people
pull themselves out of the quagmire, and one of the results is often a high
degree of awareness about themselves and the human condition.
To continue
reading this chapter, please refer to my book The Power of the Heart: Loving the Self, available in print or Kindle
format on global Amazon sites, as well with as other reputable online booksellers
***************
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BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
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