There never seems to be a short supply of articles telling
us about toxic relationships, trauma bonding, or just plain dysfunctional
behaviour in our interaction with others. Why are we hooked and beguiled into
these situations with such seeming ease and why do they appear to occur with
such frequency in most demographics? The young, the old, the rich, the poor,
the educated, and the less educated, business people, spiritual people,
homemakers, and shift workers – individuals from all of these groups and more and
from most global societies may fall into the sticky mire of the adrenaline rush
of relationship drama. Clearly, what defines any one particular group does not
necessarily ‘save’ you from stepping into that muddy psycho-emotional bog.
So what is it that takes us there? What keeps us there? Why
do we go back for more?
Carl Gustav Jung referred to the infinite wisdom of the psyche that causes us to be attracted to
those people who – once the initial honeymoon period is over, are precisely the
people through whom we could learn,
evolve, and transform ourselves. Why? Because the people we are attracted to in
that fashion carry something within their psyche that resonates with something
in our own, and that connects with as yet unresolved aspects of ourselves – as
well as similar aspects in them. Therefore, when that initial honeymoon period
is over and when some degree of frustration, strife, and more begins to emerge
in the relationship, we have the opportunity – if we stick to the relationship for the time being – to resolve
that as yet unresolved issue through our interaction with the other.
Sounds good, doesn’t it? The first problem, however, is that
the majority of us don’t have the benefit of the information just presented in
the last paragraph. Without that information, we will, in most likelihood, give
the relationship a shot, but if things go from bad to worse, we throw in the
towel and therefore neglect to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity
that a relationship presents to our potential evolution. As so often, knowledge is power but without that
knowledge we may simply give up and eventually find ourselves in another,
fairly similar relationship. The second issue is that we are most certainly - generally
- not self-aware enough, that even if we did have the benefit of this
information, to be able to carry on in such a fraught relationship. In other
words, our knee-jerk reactions to moments of having our buttons pushed would
make things even worse, because we would be incapable of standing back and
observing what was happening, and even asking ourselves could this possibly have anything to do with me? Not from a blaming
ourselves point of view, but rather, from the point of view of what can I learn about myself here, so that
this type of thing no longer has the power to bother me?
There are specific relationship issues that create
adrenaline in one or both partners. There is emotional drama, sexual drama,
psychological drama – and it is this drama that creates the adrenaline in one
or both. It is also this drama that is – even when the relationship is rife
with difficult problems – that causes one or both parties to continue seeking the
other out, despite having – perhaps more than once – already called an end to
things.
So the question that this article is attempting to clarify
is why is a person attracted to the
adrenaline rush of relationship drama? Part of the answer lies in the infinite wisdom of the psyche to which
Jung referred. Something in the self recognizes on subliminal levels that this relationship that may appear to be quite
dysfunctional contains the seed to the resolution of an issue that remains
unsolved in the psyche. And although you may not be aware of this at all, you
feel compelled to seek out that person again. And again. And yet again.
Clearly, at this point I can hear some of my readers
insisting that such a person needs to be told to stay away from the ‘nefarious’
partner once and for all, for his or her own sake. And of course I fully agree
– except for one thing. If you stay away by forcing yourself to, and still
feeling the rush that pulls you to the other person, you may not succeed in the
long run. Or – you may be at the beginning of a perpetuation of this particular
relationship pattern with other partners. If, however, you go back once or
twice, and work on becoming more aware each time you do so with respect to the
fact that you are attracted to that adrenaline rush for a reason that goes
beyond chemistry or emotions - which is probably connected to your childhood -
then you are at the potential beginning of the resolution of the issue and will
soon be able to walk away from the drama without having to force yourself to do
so.
Imagine, for example, that your childhood issue has to do
with poor boundaries. You somehow learned to allow others to step all over you
in order to maintain peace. Therefore, when faced with a partner who trespasses
your boundaries, you may feel this adrenaline rush and drama even before any boundaries have been crossed
because of this ‘infinite wisdom of the psyche’ referred to earlier. The psyche
picks up on the fact that this particular person will expose you to situations
that may help you resolve your issue through your interaction with this
specific partner. Then, when the boundaries start getting crossed, you try to
avoid thinking about them, because all you are noticing is the adrenaline rush
amid the drama. Eventually you may leave. And then return, and the cycle begins
anew.
At this point it is crucial to have some knowledge at hand.
Knowledge about what all of this means. And how it ties in to your own issues.
And what you can do about it by being more and more aware. By observing – not
only the other, but also yourself interacting with the other, as well as your
body reacting to the other’s dysfunctional behaviour (do you notice a
tightening in your solar plexus, for example, when your boundaries are being
crossed?), in your gut, your heart, and your mind. In this observation of all
of these factors, you notice yourself saying or thinking: this is not how I wish to be treated. Or: this isn’t the kind of relationship I want.
In this fashion, you slowly bring yourself to the point
where you are capable of walking away because you have put the care of yourself on a higher pedestal
than the adrenaline rush that attracts you to the mirage of a relationship that
doesn’t really exist the way your mind has imagined it, and never truly was the
way you had believed it to be. By growing in awareness like this, you realize
that this kind of adrenaline rush that is based on drama that ties in to
previously unresolved issues on your part, simply no longer attracts you. And
now, that infinite wisdom of the psyche
I’ve referred to so often in this piece, alerts you as you meet new people in
your life, to those who still dwell on that level. And so you walk away.
© Gabriella Kortsch, Ph.D.
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See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course
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CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
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Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo
CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
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Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo
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Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos

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"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
o con dependencia emocional"
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Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
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Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
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Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
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Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
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Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?
"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
o con dependencia emocional"
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Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
****************************
Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?
*****************************
BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
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