How do you number your friends? Is it the
followers you can count on social media? Is it the people you could easily
invite to a dinner party? Is it the number of people that call you frequently?
Or is it the people who, in the words of Proust, make you grateful, because
they contribute to your happiness; because “they are the charming gardeners who
make our souls blossom”?
The early course of my rather variegated
life - that began in the dark ages before inexpensive transatlantic phone calls,
FaceTime, Skype, WhatsApp, or other easy mechanisms of communication - depended
on much letter writing. I knew from the age of eight - since I was the one who always moved away - that if the
friendship was to survive, I had to grab the bull by the horns, and write those
letters. And sometimes no answer came back. Lessons were learned. But some of
those missives were honoured, and a month or two later, I received that long
yearned-for reply. And the friendship prospered on tissue-thin, transparent
paper, sent across the waves, sometimes – joyfully - lasting for all the
decades of my life – well into the age of instant email - showing the quilted
mosaic of our growth together over the years, even if we only saw each other
rarely.
At an even earlier age when I was merely
four, I learned the astoundingly harsh lesson that just because I had given a
treasured item to a friend, she might not necessarily continue to be my friend,
and might even ‘betray’ me by running to another person who had made it clear I
was not be part of her circle.
Ultimately, my erstwhile friend, gift held tightly in her clutched fist,
might even join that other person in laughing at me - laughter that resonated
painfully in my ears.
As time went by, I learned to understand
C.S. Lewis’ wondrous words: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person
says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” It made even
more sense when I read Jim Henson’s rather marvellous quote “There’s not a word
yet for old friends who’ve just met.” Those rare friendships, that nevertheless
thankfully may enter our lives more than just once or twice, in successive
chapters of our progress down the road of self-knowledge, are the stuff of
which dreams are made. Perhaps not the dreams of the young girl seeking her
knight in shining armour, but the dreams of those whose souls recognize the
depth of meaning and intimate complicity that is possible in sublime
friendship.
As I carried on in life, I recognized I also
had what I termed butterfly friends,
who warmed my heart, and occasionally my spirit, but not my intellect. Conversation
beyond the mundane was – often - so important to me and without it - without
what I considered depth on so many different levels - I felt unable to spend
any length of time with someone. Sometimes it caused me profound guilt. Oscar
Wilde put it so well: “Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in
marriage or in friendship, is conversation”, although perhaps he neglected – as
I did for a time – to take into consideration that other bond at the level of
the spirit, even when the intellect is not satisfied.
I was also blessed to have had throughout
the years another kind of friendship, which showed me the true meaning of
Jung’s words: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed”. Those
friendships were not always easy, but I loved those friends deeply. The
friendship itself, in each case, fascinated me, as it was such a mirror to my
soul, as indeed, I hoped it was a mirror to the soul of each respective friend.
Our conversations could sometimes be gateways into the sacred, the numinous, and
yet, on the very mundane and down-to-earth level, we could annoy each other
greatly, and then I would remember those other words I had read from Jung’s
writings in my 20’s: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to
an understanding of ourselves”. Evidently, this does not only apply to our friends, but also to anyone in our lives. Remembering to be aware of this at all times,
can be of great assistance when we are on the verge of blaming the other for
how we feel. In this regard, I love Rumi’s words: “Be grateful for whoever
comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond”. Looking at the
characters that populate your life in this fashion frees you to become more of
what you can be, in that Jungian process of individuation.
Friendship
& Grief
In my view there are three distinct ways in
which friendship can create great grief:
- the physical death of a friend
- the loss of a friendship due to a major disagreement or misunderstanding (despite what David Whyte so aptly states: “all friendships of any length are based on a continued, mutual forgiveness”)
- the transformation of a friendship that leads to its end due to one of the two changing in ways that the other no longer tolerates.
How can you react? How can you deal with
the pain? Again, in my view, much has to do with recognizing the potential
jewel in any of these situations. A jewel that arises like the phoenix from the
ashes as you slowly become aware of another cycle of growth in your life by
working your way through the fire.
None of this is easy, but it is also part
of the process of becoming about which so many of the great writers,
philosophers, and masters write. If you do not, as Rumi writes: “Set your life
on fire. Seek those who fan your flames,” you would miss out on some of life’s
greatest adventures – some of its greatest significance. Thoreau said “The
language of friendship is not words but meaning”.
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CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
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CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
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"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"
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"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
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Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
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Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?
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"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
y con dependencia emocional"
en Youtube aquí
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Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
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Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
en YouTube aquí
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Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
en YouTube aquí
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Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
en YouTube aquí
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Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?
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BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
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