Another brilliant start to a love relationship is when you
realize – in that state of incipient love – that life has become so incredibly
wonderful since he/she entered your life. You can feel how much better
everything – simply everything – is, since the two of you became a couple. When
you are with him/her you just exist on another level, than when you are apart.
And that of course – or so you believe – proves that this is truly love.
Somewhere along the line, in either of the above scenarios –
and multiple others – you become disillusioned, perhaps resentful, perhaps
afraid, sad, angry, and you experience a rollercoaster of many other emotions. Somehow, things are not where you thought
they would be.
All of the above is not tremendously unusual, and yet many
couples stay together for years, even decades, sometimes even longer than half
a century, long after the children have fled the nest (which is frequently the
apparent cause for remaining together), and so of course the question has to be
posed: why exactly are you still in that
relationship?
Pay close attention to the next bit: what are you telling yourself about all of this? In other words,
what is your self-dialogue when you are faced with the fact that the
relationship is truly not what you thought it would be? Because it is in the
depth of this (generally not terribly conscious) self-dialogue of yours that
you can begin to see what keeps you there. Here are some examples:
- If only he/she could see himself/herself the way I do, then he/she would be that incredible person I just know he/she could be. This is a movie that you have played over and over in your mind. The movie never shows reality as it actually is – it only shows where you take your wishful thoughts, sometimes decades after your ‘script’ still has not shown any proof of it taking place
- How can I possibly live without him/her? This script, while not quite a movie, is nevertheless something that you keep telling yourself due to your need for the person that you feel you are unable to leave. What you can’t – yet – conceive is that life could actually be much better and filled with much greater well-being, if this person were indeed out of your life.
- The main reason he/she behaves this way with me is because I haven’t yet been able to show him/her how great my love is, or how wonderful life could be if he/she could see him/herself through my eyes. In this script you are blind to your completely unhealthy boundaries and are allowing him/her to treat you in totally unacceptable ways, and convincing yourself of the fact that this is all OK, because it is on YOU. I.e., in your mind, it is your responsibility that he/she behaves this way.
- All he/she has to do is to make those few little changes, and then everything would be perfect. In this script you are ‘blaming’ the other for the lack of success of the relationship, and in the blaming, are removing any and all vestiges of responsibility on your part for not either changing the parts of you that need changing, or in simply saying ‘that’s enough!’ and leaving. Understand me correctly … what you blame the other for might be valid, but it’s not about that, but rather, about the fact that by looking at his/her faults, you get to absolve yourself of responsibility about your own. This is a dangerous script, because you become complacent in your ‘knowledge’ of the other’s faults, and so you do nothing … other than think about or remark on the faults.
How is this done? Once again, for those of you who have been
reading these articles every month since 2006: you need to become conscious. By
being conscious of your thoughts and feelings as they occur, you can begin to
change what you are telling yourself – that self-dialogue I mentioned before.
And as you change the inner chatter, you begin to see yourself and life, not to
mention your partner and your circumstances, in different ways. And you will
begin to find an inner freedom you may not have ever felt before.
Also read:
- A Portrait of a Healthy Relationship
- The Nature of True Intimacy
- Yearning For Love
- How Your Degree of Emotional Maturity Influences Your Partner Choices
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VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH
See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Fatherless Women & Motherless Men
Now Available
"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"
Click HERE for the rate of US 15
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Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts
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See the preview (click below) to my online on-demand video course
NOW available
"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"
"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"
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CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
En YouTube aquí
CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
En YouTube aquí
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"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"
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"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
y con dependencia emocional"
en Youtube aquí
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Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
en YouTube aquí
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Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
en YouTube aquí
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Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?
en YouTube aqui
*****************************
"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
y con dependencia emocional"
en Youtube aquí
****************************
Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?
en YouTube aqui
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BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich
DEINE SEELE UND DU
Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle
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