But the story made me think. Of course most people yearn for love and companionship. Nothing in
this article is meant to denigrate her in the least, nor for that matter, anyone, of any gender and any age, who
resorts to whatever our modern life in this age of technology affords us in the
quest for partnership.
But – this rather sad story tells us so much about the human
condition:
- We become highly proficient at outer success (on any level you care to mention), but hardly know ourselves.
- We typically don’t know about the importance of knowing ourselves – even if we have postgrad studies and more, i.e., it’s never a question about the degree of our education, but the degree of our awareness of self.
- Even if we do know about it, we don’t generally have an inkling about how to get there, or even how to simply start the process.
- We are afraid to be alone … or …
- We don’t know how to be alone.
- We may believe that by defining our psychological profile, by means of specialized tests, we will be able to match up with the perfect partner.
- We are however, unaware of the fact that our psychological profile – at least the typical ones that even high-end dating sites use – will say little to nothing about the state of our emotional maturity, or will focus on so much else that it gets lost in the verbiage.
- Without knowing the state of our emotional maturity, finding someone will be just as ‘hit-and-miss’ on the street, in bars, or simply in normal social situations, as it would be on a dating site. (See the articles referenced at the end of this article)
- More importantly (and sadly), we know very little about emotional maturity. Hence we do little to nothing about growing it. Instead, we continue to hunt for the elusive, perfect partner, the soul mate, the one who will complement us so perfectly, that we will be happy, be content, feel fulfilled, and in general, live that good life that heretofore has simply slipped through our fingers.
- In all likelihood we will never have spent any truly conscious time perfecting the art of loving ourselves.
- And that signifies that we never learn to fill our own psychological and emotional lacunae – the holes in us that we try to fill with the one we love, if we are loved in return.
- And of course all of this tells us about what we will focus on in the other, once that other appears. We typically and mainly focus on the external, because we have not yet developed a relationship with our own inner self.
- Filling the holes I mentioned above happens when we begin to be fully conscious, to love the self, to develop our emotional maturity, and to actively seek a relationship with the self.
Imagine how all of this yearning could be so much easier if
those who yearn knew all of the above and were actively working on it. It’s not that they would want love any less,
but that they would not “need” to find love to feel good. Of course they would
want it. But wanting and needing are two very different things. If you are
taking good care of yourself in the ways described in this article, you will
live your life very differently, specifically with respect to how you deal with
what you want and may not yet have.
What could be done on a higher, societal level to achieve
such goals? To begin with – and I’ve been standing on this soapbox for many
decades – a school curriculum needs to include many of the items mentioned in
this article. School children need to learn about - at a very minimum all of the following (and then they can teach it to their parents):
- Self-regulation (an important piece of emotional maturity, which many adults lack)
- Healthy boundaries (also part of emotional maturity)
- Self-love, or call it self-care. Taking good care of yourself emotionally and psychologically. This is also part of the emotional maturity equation. It leads, of course, to all those other ‘self’ bits that factor so importantly in our lives, especially when we lack them: self-respect, self-esteem, self-approval, to mention only a few.
- Learning to be alone and being capable of enjoying it, which means developing a relationship with the self.
Lest you think that teaching this in schools is complicated,
it is not! One class a week that focuses on these matters from kindergarten
level on will take us a very long way. But that is a subject for another
article.
My point is that if this were happening in schools already, the
scenario described at the beginning about the woman yearning for love would not
take place the way it did. Nor would she feel as bereft as she appears to be
due to finding continual obstacles in her path (according to what I read),
because she would know perfectly well how to take care of herself emotionally
and psychologically, not to mention spiritually, until such time as love shows
up in her life – or not. And if it does not, she would be fine as well. Knowing that you will be fine, no matter
what, is worth all the gold in the world.
It is in the belief that our solution to whatever is
troubling us or causing us to yearn (for anything at all) lies out there, that creates pain,
frustration, anxiety, fear, and a desire to control
matters. Only when we learn to seek the solution on the inside, do we find
inner peace and well-being. Look at it this way: if you are yearning for love,
and if it is not showing up, or it is
showing up, but wearing all sorts of toxic hats, then take that frustrated yearning as a blessing in disguise.
Allow it to lead you to set out on the path described in this article. Yearn –
and learn - to love yourself first, and then seek the other.
Also see:
- How Your Degree of Emotional Maturity Influences Your Partner Choices
- A Portrait of a Healthy Relationship
***************
VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH
See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Fatherless Women & Motherless Men
Now Available
"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"
Click HERE for the rate of US 15
***************
See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts
Now Available
"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"
Click HERE for the rate of US 15
**************************************************
See the preview (click below) to my online on-demand video course
NOW available
"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"
"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"
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CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
En YouTube aquí
CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
En YouTube aquí
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"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"
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"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
y con dependencia emocional"
en Youtube aquí
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Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
en YouTube aquí
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Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
en YouTube aquí
*****************************
"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
y con dependencia emocional"
en Youtube aquí
****************************
Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
en YouTube aquí
*****************************
BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich
DEINE SEELE UND DU
Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle
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