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"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Yearning For Love


If you thought I only read about neuroscience and spirituality, you are quite wrong. I also read novels and occasionally even peek into a tabloid. That is how I became aware of a 40-ish woman who had built up a very lucrative and successful life for herself and her children. She was twice divorced and yearned for a new partner and true love. Given the nature of her high-octane profession in the investment field, and her lack of time, she sought out the services of a high-end and expensive dating service. It all went sideways and she was unable to succeed in her endeavour.

But the story made me think. Of course most people yearn for love and companionship. Nothing in this article is meant to denigrate her in the least, nor for that matter, anyone, of any gender and any age, who resorts to whatever our modern life in this age of technology affords us in the quest for partnership.

But – this rather sad story tells us so much about the human condition:
  • We become highly proficient at outer success (on any level you care to mention), but hardly know ourselves.
  • We typically don’t know about the importance of knowing ourselves – even if we have postgrad studies and more, i.e., it’s never a question about the degree of our education, but the degree of our awareness of self.
  • Even if we do know about it, we don’t generally have an inkling about how to get there, or even how to simply start the process.
  • We are afraid to be alone … or …
  • We don’t know how to be alone.
  • We may believe that by defining our psychological profile, by means of specialized tests, we will be able to match up with the perfect partner.
  • We are however, unaware of the fact that our psychological profile – at least the typical ones that even high-end dating sites use – will say little to nothing about the state of our emotional maturity, or will focus on so much else that it gets lost in the verbiage.
  • Without knowing the state of our emotional maturity, finding someone will be just as ‘hit-and-miss’ on the street, in bars, or simply in normal social situations, as it would be on a dating site. (See the articles referenced at the end of this article)
  • More importantly (and sadly), we know very little about emotional maturity. Hence we do little to nothing about growing it. Instead, we continue to hunt for the elusive, perfect partner, the soul mate, the one who will complement us so perfectly, that we will be happy, be content, feel fulfilled, and in general, live that good life that heretofore has simply slipped through our fingers.
  • In all likelihood we will never have spent any truly conscious time perfecting the art of loving ourselves.
  • And that signifies that we never learn to fill our own psychological and emotional lacunae – the holes in us that we try to fill with the one we love, if we are loved in return.
  • And of course all of this tells us about what we will focus on in the other, once that other appears. We typically and mainly focus on the external, because we have not yet developed a relationship with our own inner self.
  • Filling the holes I mentioned above happens when we begin to be fully conscious, to love the self, to develop our emotional maturity, and to actively seek a relationship with the self.
So – back to the story of the woman seeking her perfect mate. And remember, it could be a story about a man, or someone much younger, or someone much older. It happens all the time. It’s the eternal story of yearning for love.

Imagine how all of this yearning could be so much easier if those who yearn knew all of the above and were actively working on it. It’s not that they would want love any less, but that they would not “need” to find love to feel good. Of course they would want it. But wanting and needing are two very different things. If you are taking good care of yourself in the ways described in this article, you will live your life very differently, specifically with respect to how you deal with what you want and may not yet have.

What could be done on a higher, societal level to achieve such goals? To begin with – and I’ve been standing on this soapbox for many decades – a school curriculum needs to include many of the items mentioned in this article. School children need to learn about - at a very minimum all of the following (and then they can teach it to their parents):
  • Self-regulation (an important piece of emotional maturity, which many adults lack)
  • Healthy boundaries (also part of emotional maturity)
  • Self-love, or call it self-care. Taking good care of yourself emotionally and psychologically. This is also part of the emotional maturity equation. It leads, of course, to all those other ‘self’ bits that factor so importantly in our lives, especially when we lack them: self-respect, self-esteem, self-approval, to mention only a few.
  • Learning to be alone and being capable of enjoying it, which means developing a relationship with the self.
Lest you think that teaching this in schools is complicated, it is not! One class a week that focuses on these matters from kindergarten level on will take us a very long way. But that is a subject for another article.

My point is that if this were happening in schools already, the scenario described at the beginning about the woman yearning for love would not take place the way it did. Nor would she feel as bereft as she appears to be due to finding continual obstacles in her path (according to what I read), because she would know perfectly well how to take care of herself emotionally and psychologically, not to mention spiritually, until such time as love shows up in her life – or not. And if it does not, she would be fine as well. Knowing that you will be fine, no matter what, is worth all the gold in the world.

It is in the belief that our solution to whatever is troubling us or causing us to yearn (for anything at all) lies out there, that creates pain, frustration, anxiety, fear, and a desire to control matters. Only when we learn to seek the solution on the inside, do we find inner peace and well-being. Look at it this way: if you are yearning for love, and if it is not showing up, or it is showing up, but wearing all sorts of toxic hats, then take that frustrated yearning as a blessing in disguise. Allow it to lead you to set out on the path described in this article. Yearn – and learn - to love yourself first, and then seek the other.

Also see:

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VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Fatherless Women & Motherless Men





Now Available
"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15


***************

See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts




Now Available
"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15

**************************************************

See the preview (click below) to my online on-demand video course  




  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"


  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida



En YouTube aquí


****************************


BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER


Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions


Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 
DEINE SEELE UND DU
  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle



Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Sexuality in Spiritual Relationships


Did you think that if you start following a more ‘spiritual’ path, your sex life would become tabu? Or that you would need to ‘give it up’, in order to conform to whatever precepts you believed living a spiritual life imply?

Not so.

I’ve written an entire book about spiritual partnerships – The Tao of Spiritual Partnership - as opposed to conventional relationships, and it is precisely in spiritual partnerships where long-term sexuality is able to not only flourish, but remain passionate – and even to grow in passion.

What are the differences between a spiritual partnership and a conventional relationship? There are many, but I’d like to focus on just a few, in order to cut through the misconception that spirituality tolls the death knoll for sexuality – or at least – dampens it exponentially. I should also clarify that by spirituality I am referring to any type of spiritual life, rather than a religious one. And lest you think this is about tantric sex, it’s not. Here are some of the main differences between a spiritual partnership and a conventional relationship:
  • In a spiritual relationship, both partners are awake and aware. They do not, as a rule, forget to remain conscious (of their thoughts, feelings, moods, reactions, and actions), or at least, they continually strive to be so.
  • Because of this, both partners are not reactive, i.e., knee-jerk reactions to things that happen, that are said or done, do not generally happen, and if they do, these partners immediately attempt (because they are invested in having such a relationship) to resolve the matter, by trying to understand what happened and how they can change whatever it was in their future behaviour.
  • It also means all subjects are on the table. Full transparency about everything. In fact, complete transparency is something both want and expect. Even when it’s scary or uncomfortable.
  • This in turn means that both partners are invested in their own growth, understanding that each of their own growth will allow the partnership to grow, develop, and mature on all levels.
  • Both partners take responsibility for their own well-being and happiness. This doesn’t mean that they don’t support each other in all matters, but that they are aware of the fact that their well-being ultimately depends on themselves and on their inner state, their self-dialogue, and their sense of self-responsibility. This implies that neither expects the other to feel obliged to be responsible for, or morally implicated in their own happiness. A wonderful book I read decades ago by Barry Neil Kaufman called Happiness is a Choice brought this home to me.
  • In turn, this implies that both partners have learned to love themselves, in order to actually want to take on this responsibility for their own well-being.
  • This self-love is the foundation on which a spiritual partnership rests. You may have noticed I haven’t yet begun to speak about anything spiritual, and that is because a spiritual partnership is not about being spiritual in a conventional senses, as much as it is about recognizing how self-love changes the way we interact with others.
  • It is also this self-love that predicates a certain kind of very specific comportment on both sides. Both partners are consciously invested in ‘growing’ or developing themselves. If this is the case, and one of the partners recognizes, for example that he/she is impatient, jealous, or verbally explosive, he/she will immediately undertake to change this, working on honing his/her character. This is not done in order to please or placate the other. Rather, it is done because the recognition of those bits of the personality that are lacking in some fashion, or that create issues because the partner who manifests the behaviour has not yet worked on them, causes that partner to want to change because he/she loves him/herself. Think of it the way a loving parent attempts to teach a child good, decent, responsible, ethical, and moral behaviour. In this case, you become your own parent and as you see those parts of yourself that need honing, you take on the task.
  • Another salient difference between a spiritual partnership and a conventional relationship is a point I have often written about in these monthly articles over the past 12 years. Spiritual partners are deeply and profoundly interested and invested in knowing their partner. Knowing someone goes far beyond discovering their likes and dislikes, or having conversations about all those typical things we discuss with those we love, such as vacation plans, getting a new roof for the house, college planning for the eldest child, or which movie to see on the weekend. Truly knowing someone means you delve into the depths of the other – not by having occasional profound conversations – but by being interested in the deeper and most real and true side of the other at all times. How does this manifest itself? It can begin with all of the above points.
  • You can imagine that all of the above, assuming a couple has decided to undertake a life involving such a spiritual partnership, brings with it conversations of a very different – and highly transparent – nature, than conversations one might engage in in a conventional relationship. The very transparency – of each partner – with the other, changes so much. Think about it. How truly transparent have your intimate relationships been?
  • Particularly this last point, taken together with all the others, is what brings us to the topic of sexuality in spiritual partnerships. Most of us can attest to the fact that sexual desire frequently wanes over the life of a relationship even when love has not. We take it as a part of life. We understand how it happens, and some – although not all – are resigned to it without necessarily breaking a marriage or finding outside excitement despite of this waning. However, when a spiritual partnership is lived in the manner in which I’ve described it in this article, the couple experiences a much higher degree of sustained passion. Why? It is a passion that goes far beyond the intimacy of the physical body. It is a passion that goes far beyond genital sensuality and sexuality. It is a passion that is born of the desire of the inner core – the eternal spiritual part – of the other that is constantly renewed every day by living in this fashion. It is literally a fire that is stoked by being focused on the eternal being that is your partner, as opposed to merely the physical one who is sitting in the room with you. Think about it: when you don’t live your relationship this way, you literally never come to know that which lives under the parts that are readily visible and audible. The mystery of the other will never be seen. I very much resonate with this Eckhart Tolle quote: The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, person and family history, belief systems, and often nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you.

If none of these is you, why would you focus exclusively – or mainly - on those parts of your partner? It is precisely in those other parts where the mystery lies, the excitement, and the passion.

***************


VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Fatherless Women & Motherless Men





Now Available
"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15


***************

See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts




Now Available
"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15

**************************************************

See the preview (click below) to my online on-demand video course  




  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"


  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida



En YouTube aquí


****************************


BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER


Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions


Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 
DEINE SEELE UND DU
  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle



Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram