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This business about being bored if you’re not in a relationship is really important because on the one hand it means you’ll get into a new relationship very quickly (perhaps too quickly) for all the wrong reasons, or, at least, for a lot of the wrong reasons. On the other hand, it tells us a lot about what is really going on inside of you.
Before we take a look at these points,
let’s first examine what a relationship so very often appears to be all about:
- Because we are in love, we feel good
- Because we feel good, we need
Or:
- Because we need, we feel good
- Because we feel good, we are in love
Would you agree that this is what often
happens?
Would you also agree that this tells us
that the relationship is perhaps not so much about the other person, or even better
- about the two of us - as about me? I need, I feel good, hence I am in
love.
While this may be an over-simplification,
it is, nevertheless, what hundreds of clients have effectively told me has happened
in their lives. Of course, you may have convinced yourself of other reasons at
the beginning:
- I love this person because he/she is fun to be with
- I love this person because he/she is exciting
- I love this person because he/she is romantic
- I love this person because he/she is so intelligent
- I love this person because I’ve never felt so safe
- I love this person because I’ve never felt so loved
- I love this person because we like the same things
- I love this person because he/she admires me so much
- I love this person because he/she needs me so much
You get the point. Whatever we tell
ourselves – assuming the reasons fall within the parameters of what I’ve
outlined above – the common denominator is that it’s always about me.
And a portion of this whole relationship
being about me is that it keeps me busy. Occupied. Having fun. Busy thinking
about the other person. Even if the thinking is ruminative about why things –
right now – are not so good in the relationship. And hence, distracted from –
perhaps – other things I should be looking at that concern me. My psyche, my
emotions, my inner world, the state of my inner well-being independent of the
other person.
So now we come to the point of the title of
this post: Are you bored if you’re not in a relationship?
Here’s what often happens. The relationship
ends. For whatever reason. Your life has lost excitement. Drama. Entertainment.
Doing things together. Feeling part of a couple. Looking forward to evenings,
to weekends, to vacation times. Even the part where you’re ruminating about why
things aren’t as perfect as you might like. But at least while you ruminate,
you still are in a relationship.
So how
do you replace that empty feeling? That feeling of being alone? That feeling of
no longer really enjoying your life? That feeling of having lost an important
part of yourself? That feeling of being less than you were before?
You see, all those feelings and many other,
similar ones, point to the fact that
there is, indeed, something missing
inside of you, and that you are trying to fill
up this missing part with the person with whom you are in a relationship.
And that is not – I am afraid – a very good reason to be in a relationship. You
see, when you fill up your own missing bits via another, if and when the other
fails you, deserts you, gives up on you, dies, etc., you are once again left
alone with your missing bits, and will once again need to rely on another to
fill them for you.
For example, if you mainly feel safe when
you are in relationship with a certain kind of man or woman, and you seek out
that kind of safety, when will you ever learn to provide safety for yourself?
Or if you mainly feel that life is fun when you are with a certain kind of
person and you seek out such a person, when will you ever learn to provide fun
for yourself? Or if you mainly feel that life is so much more worthwhile if you
are with a certain kind of person, when will you ever learn to provide worth to your own life by yourself? Or
if you mainly feel that you only really feel good about yourself when you are
with a certain kind of person and you seek out such a person, when will you ever learn to make yourself
feel good about yourself on your own???
Clearly, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t
have people in your life who make you feel safe, or who bring fun and laughter
into your life, or give you reasons that let you feel your life is more worthwhile,
or who make you feel good about yourself. But it does mean in most uncertain terms that if you are unable to provide
those things for yourself first, you
will always have to rely on another to do it for you. And therefore you will most
likely wind up loving someone for the wrong reasons – although at the beginning
you are convinced that they are the right ones. And those wrong reasons will
also likely bring about the demise of the relationship.
So. Now what? Assuming you take what I’ve
written here as the truth – or at least the highly probably truth, what can you
now do?
First and foremost take on board all I’ve
said about looking for others to fill your
missing bits … such as, for example, learning how to feel good thanks to you, and not thanks to whoever
is in your life. In other words, if you first take charge of your state of
well-being, then no matter who is or is not in your life, your state of
well-being does not depend on them, but on you.
That is the process.
Secondly, take a good look at exactly what
those missing bits are. Where do you
need to replenish yourself? What parts of yourself do you need to grow and/or
heal in order that you are able to live a life independent of the need to have
others who fill the missing bits of
yourself? Become responsible for all of this by realizing that the more you
take charge of your life, your inner peace and well-being, the more you will be
able to live a life of freedom. Freedom does not mean not having other people
in your life, that you love and cherish. It just means not needing them for all those things that you should be supplying for
yourself.
And a final remark regarding those missing
bits: what are your inner resources?
In other words, what do you have inside of yourself that helps you take good
care of yourself when you need it? Are you aware of how to take good care of
your thoughts and feelings? Said another way, have you begun the process of
loving yourself? Are you fully responsible for all you think, feel, say, and do,
and how you react to whatever it is that life throws at you? Are you aware
enough of yourself at all times so that you are able to change your
self-dialogue when it needs changing, so that you can, indeed, take good care
of yourself? Do you practice mindfulness? These are all inner resources that
can be your staunchest allies; your greatest friends in times of need. And when
you do have these inner resources, I
guarantee you that you will no longer get into relationships simply in order to
fulfill your needs, because you will be well on the road to fulfilling them
yourself.
***************
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Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
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Eligiendo hábitos para mejorar tu bienestar
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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.
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Charlas en español:
Se puede ver en Youtube aqui
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Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
Se puede ver en YouTube aquí:
Eligiendo hábitos para mejorar tu bienestar
Se puede ver en YouTube aquí:
*****************************
BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions
Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich
DEINE SEELE UND DU
Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle
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