You may never have considered this aspect of intimacy,
simply because our socialization process since we were young, led us down paths
that consider intimacy to be only (or mainly) about sex. Not so.
If I had a hundred euros (or dollars) for every couple that
has come to see me about a failing sex life, I’d be wealthy by now. We don’t
seem to understand that without what I am going to call spiritual intimacy, which goes far beyond emotional intimacy, the
physical one simply doesn’t last. As a matter of fact, it hasn’t got the
slightest hope, unless perhaps we’re talking about adrenaline & drama-laced
relationships of the kind I referred to in my last two newsletter articles
(June 2018 & July 2018), which are - as most people who have engaged in one
or more of these know very well - highly dysfunctional anyway.
Let’s look again at what a part of the above quote says:
For an intimate
relationship to take place, allow someone into your thoughts. Let them hold and
caress your feelings.
Allowing someone into your thoughts – allowing someone to
hold and caress your feelings … wouldn’t you agree that this kind of intimacy
goes far beyond knowing what each other’s political affiliations are,
professional aspirations, financial desires, and so on? And wouldn’t you agree
that this kind of intimacy goes far beyond telling each other that you love
each other? That you want several children and that you want to eventually live
in the country as opposed to the city, or vice versa?
At the risk of simplifying what happens in so many
relationships, what I am trying to say is that the apparent intimacy of so many
couples rests on sharing bed and home, children and bills, social life and
vacations, and all the many conversations about thoughts and feelings that
focus on these arenas, but not much more that goes beyond that. Not, I hasten to add, because couples
are superficial, or not tremendously intelligent, or thoughtful, or articulate,
but because, as said earlier, this is what so many of us were raised on, and
that we therefore emulate. The sitcoms we see, the billboards, the magazine
articles, our social media, all keep us – unless we seek out more – in a place
that does not generally develop an
intimate intimacy with intimacy.
We can share our deepest, darkest past with each other, our
dreams and aspirations, but even that may still be distant from true intimacy,
if it is not interwoven into our daily lives. Intimacy is not something that
happens occasionally, but that – if we are truly intimate – is an ever-present
part of all our shared hours. Unless this is understand by both sides, a woman
may be more deeply intimate with a female friend than with her husband, and a man
(although less frequently) likewise with a very close friend.
And that is not healthy for true intimacy.
So. What can be done?
For me, an initial foray into this kind of thinking does
requires some intimate awareness of
the self and one’s thoughts, feelings, reactions, and actions. Without such
awareness, how can you (or I) hope to create true intimacy with another?
Another important aspect to this is the desire and
willingness to really go there. Am I interested enough in this other person (especially
if that person is my partner or spouse), to want to go to the ‘bother’ of
achieving such intimacy? I use the word ‘bother’ deliberately. This isn’t
something that just happens. It has to be worked on. This is a delving into the
other individual – and into the self – with a profound desire to connect on
levels that go far beyond what we usually use to connect to each other, such as
the fact that the roof has a leak, the kids need new clothes for school in the
fall, one of our cars should be replaced, which movie shall we watch, or what
we should do this weekend.
You may be thinking that I still haven’t given you anything
specific to do in order to begin creating true intimacy. Here’s how I see it.
If you begin a deeper relationship with yourself; one that allows you to
connect to your true inner essence, by becoming more present and aware, perhaps
by using mindfulness as one of your tools, a tool that will simultaneously lead
you to greater self-love and emotional maturity, you will – without a single
doubt – automatically crave greater intimacy with your loved ones. In fact,
without such intimacy, a relationship will seem like a dry desert, where the
intimacy could be equated to life-giving water. And you will attempt to move
into that direction simply by focusing
more on that inner essence of the other. That may be your child, your sibling,
your parent, your friend, or your life partner. Not because you have deeply
serious conversations, but because you are conversing about whatever topic is
on the table, with the inner essence of the other and not only the outer
visible part.
You might also like to read some books that walk you down
this road, although they don’t give you cookbook recipes to get there. Thomas
Moore’s Care of the Soul: A Guide for
Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life, as well as his Soulmates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love
and Relationship, are a good place to start. Another good one is Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt, and
finally, Zen Therapy: A Buddhist Approach
to Psychotherapy by David Brazier. While these books are wildly different,
they nevertheless all focus - in some fashion - on intimacy. Some novels, albeit quite old, that connect into
this intimacy are The Razor’s Edge by
Somerset Maugham, and The Magus by
John Fowles (not the film). And while it is slightly harder to pinpoint films
that walk this path, The Prince of Tides
might be one to start with, as well as Out
of Africa, The English Patient, Shadowlands,
and The Bridges of Madison County.
The important part is that you work on becoming intimate
with yourself. By so doing, becoming truly intimate with another will begin
forming part of your priorities; it will become something that you will
actively seek in any important relationship, and you will recognize that without
it, a connection to another person merely touches the surface of all that is
possible.
***************
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Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
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Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
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Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
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"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
y con dependencia emocional"
en Youtube aquí
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Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
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Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
en YouTube aquí
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Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
en YouTube aquí
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Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
en YouTube aquí
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