in 
for Kindle 
This business about being bored if you’re not in a
relationship is really important because on the one hand it means you’ll get
into a new relationship very quickly (perhaps too quickly) for all the wrong
reasons, or, at least, for a lot of
the wrong reasons. On the other hand, it tells us a lot about what is really
going on inside of you.
Before we take a look at these points, let’s first examine
what a relationship so very often appears
to be all about:
- Because we are in love, we feel good
- Because we feel good, we need
Or
- Because we need, we feel good
- Because we feel good, we are in love
Would you agree that this is what often happens?
Would you also agree that this tells us that the
relationship is perhaps not so much about the other person, or even better - about
the two of us - as about me? I need, I feel good, hence I am in
love.
While this may be an over-simplification, it is,
nevertheless, what hundreds of clients have effectively told me has happened in
their lives. Of course, you may have convinced yourself of other reasons at the
beginning:
- I love this person because he/she is fun to be with
- I love this person because he/she is exciting
- I love this person because he/she is romantic
- I love this person because he/she is so intelligent
- I love this person because I’ve never felt so safe
- I love this person because I’ve never felt so loved
- I love this person because we like the same things
- I love this person because he/she admires me so much
- I love this person because he/she needs me so much
You get the point. Whatever we tell ourselves – assuming the
reasons fall within the parameters of what I’ve outlined above – the common
denominator is that it’s always about me.
And a portion of this whole relationship being about me is
that it keeps me busy. Occupied. Having fun. Busy thinking about the other
person. Even if the thinking is ruminative about why things – right now – are
not so good in the relationship. And hence, distracted from – perhaps – other
things I should be looking at that concern me. My psyche, my emotions, my inner
world, the state of my inner well-being independent of the other person.
So now we come to the point of the title of this article:
Are you bored if you’re not in a relationship?
Here’s what often happens. The relationship ends. For
whatever reason. Your life has lost excitement. Drama. Entertainment. Doing
things together. Feeling part of a couple. Looking forward to evenings, to
weekends, to vacation times. Even the part where you’re ruminating about why
things aren’t as perfect as you might like. But at least while you ruminate,
you still are in a relationship.
So how do you replace
that empty feeling? That feeling of being alone? That feeling of no longer
really enjoying your life? That feeling of having lost an important part of
yourself? That feeling of being less than you were before?
You see, all those feelings and many other, similar ones, point to the fact that there is, indeed,
something missing inside of you, and
that you are trying to fill up this
missing part with the person with whom you are in a relationship. And that
is not – I am afraid – a very good reason to be in a relationship. You see,
when you fill up your own missing bits via another, if and when the other fails
you, deserts you, gives up on you, dies, etc., you are once again left alone
with your missing bits, and will once again need to rely on another to fill
them for you.
For example, if you mainly feel safe when you are in
relationship with a certain kind of man or woman, and you seek out that kind of
safety, when will you ever learn to provide safety for yourself? Or if you
mainly feel that life is fun when you are with a certain kind of person and you
seek out such a person, when will you ever learn to provide fun for yourself?
Or if you mainly feel that life is so much more worthwhile if you are with a
certain kind of person, when will you ever learn to provide worth to your own life by yourself? Or
if you mainly feel that you only really feel good about yourself when you are
with a certain kind of person and you seek out such a person, when will you ever learn to make yourself
feel good about yourself on your own???
Clearly, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have people in your
life who make you feel safe, or who bring fun and laughter into your life, or
give you reasons that let you feel your life is more worthwhile, or who make
you feel good about yourself. But it does
mean in most uncertain terms that if you are unable to provide those things for
yourself first, you will always have
to rely on another to do it for you. And therefore you will most likely wind up
loving someone for the wrong reasons – although at the beginning you are
convinced that they are the right ones. And those wrong reasons will also
likely bring about the demise of the relationship.
So. Now what? Assuming you take what I’ve written here as
the truth – or at least the highly probably truth, what can you now do?
First and foremost take on board all I’ve said about looking
for others to fill your missing bits
… such as, for example, learning how to feel good thanks to you, and not thanks to whoever is in your life. In other
words, if you first take charge of your state of well-being, then no matter who
is or is not in your life, your state of well-being does not depend on them,
but on you. That is the process.
Secondly, take a good look at exactly what those missing bits are. Where do you need to replenish
yourself? What parts of yourself do you need to grow and/or heal in order that
you are able to live a life independent of the need to have others who fill the
missing bits of yourself? Become
responsible for all of this by realizing that the more you take charge of your
life, your inner peace and well-being, the more you will be able to live a life
of freedom. Freedom does not mean not having other people in your life, that
you love and cherish. It just means not needing
them for all those things that you should be supplying for yourself.
And a final remark regarding those missing bits: what are
your inner resources? In other words,
what do you have inside of yourself that helps you take good care of yourself
when you need it? Are you aware of how to take good care of your thoughts and
feelings? Said another way, have you begun the process of loving yourself? Are
you fully responsible for all you think, feel, say, and do, and how you react
to whatever it is that life throws at you? Are you aware enough of yourself at
all times so that you are able to change your self-dialogue when it needs
changing, so that you can, indeed, take good care of yourself? Do you practice
mindfulness? These are all inner resources that can be your staunchest allies;
your greatest friends in times of need. And when you do have these inner resources, I guarantee you that you will no
longer get into relationships simply in order to fulfill your needs, because
you will be well on the road to fulfilling them yourself.
***************
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