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Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Unfinished Business

Do you know some of those people that just keep going back to something you said this morning, on Monday, last week, or 20 years ago? Some people simply can't seem to move on from that one thing you said. Do you know how you keep asking yourself how they can not realize that they are not only wasting their time and yours by rehashing these old subjects, but you probably also ask yourself how it is that they can't see that they are actually keeping themselves mired in figurative mud.

Assuming you're with me so far, let me switch gears. Even if you don't do any of the above, how about the things you think about that happened long ago? You know, when your mind goes to:
  • Aunt Julia's way of always raising her eyebrows when your mother said you were doing well at school, and then talking about your cousin, who was in a special genius class for highly gifted children
  • Your father's absolute and total lack of interest in you and your siblings after he and your mother divorced
  • Your sister's continual mocking of those extra pounds you always have carried around
  • Your spouse's frequent public derision of your specific interests or hobbies
  • Your colleague's undermining of your proposals or achievements 
  • Not to mention much more difficult past issues such as abuse of any kind
So - if you are able to see the damage the kind of person I described in the first paragraph does to him/herself when they keep going over and over something you said in the past - and which in theory has been resolved, then you should also be able to see how you damage yourself by allowing your thoughts to go back again and again to things that happened to you in the past - no matter how terrible.

When clients tell me about their past and how they are unable to let it go, the one thread that runs through each and every one of these conversations is that it is their thoughts that come unbidden, and that they are unable to eliminate. It is also their belief that they are unable to do anything about said thoughts. And finally, it is their belief that by continuing to think about what happened, they are acknowledging the importance of the facts, because by not thinking about them, they would - in some fashion - be saying it was OK to let the matter go because it was not important.

Please understand this post is not about measuring the importance of what happened to you. All of us had things happen to us that were difficult, painful, and even very terrible. There is no question about that. Furthermore, this is not a contest. What may have been terrible for me, might be lightweight for you, and vice versa.

All matters that are still on your emotional, psychological, or spiritual table in the sense we are discussing here, hold you back. They are unfinished business that keeps you from moving forward the same way you could, if the matter had already been laid to rest. And here comes the 64 million dollar question: how can you lay it to rest?

The answer is surprisingly simple: 
  • have the intention that you want to lay it to rest
  • understand that it is your thoughts that keep the matter/s alive
  • recognize that in order to do something about your thoughts you need to be aware of them - if not at all times (especially at the beginning), then at least much more than you currently are
  • in order for that to happen, you need to begin some practice that makes you more aware of yourself (see this short piece on mindful walking)
  • you will also need to begin to acquire the intention to forgive (see this post and the articles listed in it at the end)
As you become conscious of thoughts arising that are related to any of your unfinished business, you start practicing the steps from any of the following posts from my blogs:

  • Finding Your Way Through Pain
  • Stop the Vicious Circle in Your Head
  • Healing Your Life
  • The Secret to Choosing Good Thoughts

  • Understand that this is a process. You don't lose 20 pounds in an intensive weekend detox retreat, and you won't reshape your neural pathways regarding your thoughts in that amount of time either. But you will notice the first changes very quickly. So do it. Even if only because you would like to explore the world of loving yourself. That is where this leads you.


    Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

    Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

    Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

    Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

    Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

    Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

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