in 
for Kindle 
What
are you afraid of?
- A down-sizing in your firm that you keep hearing rumors
about in the cafeteria?
- That stage 3 health diagnosis you were just given by
your oncologist?
- Your marriage breaking up, bearing in mind that you and
your spouse hardly seem to have anything to say to each other anymore?
- Plunging results in your portfolio, that's already lost
so much over the past few years?
- Public speaking?
- Aging?
- Losing your sex appeal?
- Losing your home to foreclosure?
- Losing your daughter in the custody trial?
- Losing your hair?
- Never being able to lose those extra 15 pounds you put
on in your 40's?
- Never being forgiven by that person you hurt?
- Realizing that you've lived quite a few decades
already, and have still not reached any of the important goals you were
striving for?
These
and many other possible scenarios are those that drive our fears. They keep us
up at night. They distract us from times that could and should be joyful. They
cause upset stomachs, acid reflux and ulcers, headaches, backaches, and
migraines. They raise our blood pressure and create anxiety. In a word, they
can make life hell.
Your
thoughts are your vicious circle. They keep going around and around. And in the
process of going around and around, you generally feel even worse. Nothing gets
resolved, but you notice that your emotional state has worsened at each step of
the vicious circle's way.
Nevertheless,
there is good news out there for you. These tips can bring you to a new
understanding of your fears and change the way you think about them. That will
help you deal with this vicious circle of thoughts and fears and the tips are
quite easy to implement if you choose to follow them and continue following
them, when the thoughts and the fears re-emerge. Nothing will change if you try
it once and then decide that because the thoughts do pop up again, the process
has not worked. Remember: when you learned how to ride a bike, you probably fell
off a couple of times first. All it takes is some willingness to practice this
as well:
Tip
1: Become aware of the fact that no
matter what it is that you fear, by thinking differently about it, you change
the way it makes you feel. Remember that wonderful quote by Viktor Frankl that
I cite so frequently: the last of human freedoms - the ability to
choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. Said in other words,
this means that when you are fearful about the cancer diagnosis, or the
potential job loss, or losing your spouse, your thoughts are fearful
thoughts. You could choose, however, to make those thoughts proactive
ones, where you attempt to find a solution to your dilemma. You could
also choose to consider what you would do in the feared circumstances and begin
to devise a plan for that contingency. Furthermore, you could decide
that you have given the topic enough thought for today, and therefore you are
going to concentrate on something else. See more below.
Tip
2: Recognize that what you think is,
in fact, a choice. It is not something that falls down on you from
heaven. Even though you may not know that you are making a choice with your
thoughts, you are. This is so because once you choose to become aware of
your thoughts you can 'pick' the ones you want, and eliminate those that you do
not want. Prior to becoming aware of your thoughts, your choice is obviously a
blind one, such as a choice you might make if you were blindfolded at a
wine-tasting cocktail and blindly chose a particular wine. The choice is
a blind one, and the moment your eyes are opened, you can make better and more
informed and knowledgeable choices. It's like that with thoughts about fear as
well. Once you are more aware and that means be aware that what you thing about
can be a choice, then you can choose better thoughts.
Tip
3: Become aware of
the fact that you are having ruminating, revolving thoughts about a fear that
is making you feel incrementally worse. Without this awareness, you will not be
able to 'grab hold' of your thoughts about this fear, so to speak, in order to
do something about them. In order to be aware, you may need to put up reminders
for a few days that jolt you into awareness: a few post-it's, perhaps, in
prominent places of your bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, office, each saying: what
am I thinking?
Tip 4:
Now that you have your thoughts at the front of your head, so to speak, because
you have remembered to be aware of them, ask yourself if you wish to continue
ruminating. Let's imagine it's a health problem. Or work-related. Or financial.
Or your relationship is rocky. All are major issues that many of us go through,
but no matter how important they are, if you allow them to
dictate your thoughts into toxicity, you will only make matters worse. So
recognize that one thing is to give some predetermined 'proactive time' to your
thoughts in order to see whether the problem can be solved, perhaps by
brain-storming, researching, consulting with someone, but then, once
that proactive time is over (and you will need to tell yourself each
day how long you allow yourself to PROACTIVELY (not in a toxic way) think about
this issue), then you need to agree with yourself that ruminating,
worry-filled, fearful and stressful thoughts about that particular subject are
no longer allowed today. So in this tip what needs to be done, each
and every time the thoughts rise up in you (and they will), is some
method of changing that well-worn rut in your brain - that habit - that neural
pathway, to a new one. A very simple way to do this is to focus on beauty, for
example, notice a beautiful plant, or tree, or the sky, or clouds, or an animal
in your surroundings. Then allow yourself to be grateful for that beauty in
your life right now, as you focus on it, and really see its beauty, and then
notice a mild sensation of peace in your solar plexus. This occurs because just
for a moment you have moved yourself from past or future time to now time, and
while you are present in now time, you can't focus on past or future fears,
pains, and worries.
Tip
5: At this point, after tip #4, you
may feel marginally better, but since you probably have little practice at
doing this, you will need something else, to keep your mind in a better place
than in that vicious circle of thoughts. On this blog (Rewiring
the Soul ) you will find a list of links on the left sidebar
if you scroll down far enough. In there, you will find many suggestions of
sites that offer motivating or inspiring talks, articles, videos, etc. Even if
you choose something that is an hour or longer, just sit and listen or watch or
read for 10 or 15 minutes. This will help you not only keep the thoughts at
bay, but begin to create new neural pathways that will help you do this more
easily each time you try. Download some of these talks and listen to them in
your car. Use them as if they were vitamins for your mind and soul, and do it
on a daily basis.
Finally, when the thoughts and fears come again, as they will (at least for a time), repeat the above process. If you can't afford to do the fifth step each time due to the activity you are engaged in (work, home, family, etc.), at least do the other steps, and then, as you engage in the activity you have at hand, try to be as mindful and present while you do so, as possible. This too will begin to change your brain and will help you feel better than if you engage in the activity plus ruminate. There is a great deal of material about this in both my blogs (Rewiring the Soul & The Tao of Spiritual Partnership), on my website in the newsletter articles, as well in all my books. I encourage you to give it a try. Learning to do this is not hard, and it can literally change your life.
Finally, when the thoughts and fears come again, as they will (at least for a time), repeat the above process. If you can't afford to do the fifth step each time due to the activity you are engaged in (work, home, family, etc.), at least do the other steps, and then, as you engage in the activity you have at hand, try to be as mindful and present while you do so, as possible. This too will begin to change your brain and will help you feel better than if you engage in the activity plus ruminate. There is a great deal of material about this in both my blogs (Rewiring the Soul & The Tao of Spiritual Partnership), on my website in the newsletter articles, as well in all my books. I encourage you to give it a try. Learning to do this is not hard, and it can literally change your life.
Some
last thoughts about thoughts:
- understand that whatever your thoughts are about, by
changing them consciously, you are not repressing them, nor are you
pretending you have solved whatever it is that is bothering you (hence
the thoughts), but that you are choosing to focus your attention elsewhere
- understand that when you focus your attention
elsewhere, whether it is on affirmations, or on reading an inspirational
passage or book, or viewing a motivational video, it will serve your
purpose only if you also manage to shift your energetic state from where
you are with the thoughts that are bothering you to another, better (even
if only slightly) state
- understand that only when your
energy has shifted to a better place, will you truly be able to give focus
and strength to better thoughts
- understand that in order to shift to a better energetic place, you will need to turn off, so to say, the earlier, more negative thoughts, even if only for a moment
- understand that one of the simplest methods for quieting the mind is by practicing a mindful focus on beauty, then focusing on gratitude for said beauty in your life and then mindfully noting the shift (even if only slight) that has taken place in your energetic state
*********************************
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch
Find more free articles from my monthly newsletters as well as more information about my work at Advanced Personal Therapy
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