"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

When You Love, What Exactly Are You Loving?

Have you ever given it any thought? What, in fact, do you love, when you love?
  • Do you love the feeling of being loved (as opposed to not feeling loved before)?
  • The feeling of being adored (as opposed to not feeling adored before)?
  • The feeling of being doted on (as opposed to not feeling doted on before)?
  • The feeling of being important to someone (as opposed to not feeling important before)?
  • Do you love feeling fulfilled (as opposed to how unfulfilled you felt before)?
  • Do you love feeling secure (as opposed to how insecure you felt before)?
  • Do you love feeling needed (as opposed to not feeling needed before)?
  • Do you love how good you feel when you are with the other (as opposed to not feeling nearly as good without the other)?
  • Do you love knowing you are not alone (as opposed to how you feel when you are alone)?
  • Do you love how the other gazes into your eyes (as opposed to how you feel when no one gazes into your eyes)?
  • Do you love the fact that the other appears to only have eyes for you?
  • Do you love how the other shows you how much you are loved?
You might say to me, but of course, all of that is normal when you are in love, and I would not disagree with you in the least. But how much of that has to do with you? I mean: how much of that has to do with how this being in love makes you feel? What have you said - or thought - about the other person, with the exception of how the other makes you feel? Have you examined where the other is in all of this? Don't worry - I'm not implying that you are being selfish.

I'm actually asking you to consider that perhaps a part of this whole business of what you love when you love has much more to do with satisfying a deep longing inside yourself that you are not capable of taking care of - or so you think, or have been taught to believe - on your own. And so you need, so to speak, the other to take care of it for you. The other fulfills you, being with the other makes you feel secure, needed, important, valuable, etc.

What is this longing? Why does the fulfilling of it by the other make you feel so good? (At least until the relationship palls or goes sour). The longing is for your self-love. We are not taught - generally - to love ourselves, and so we need to fulfill that need with another. And so you seek to do so through your love relationships. And that is precisely why so many of them go sour. If you could learn to fulfill your own needs in the self-love department, the weight of responsibility in the relationship for making you feel good about yourself would no longer rest on the hapless shoulders of your partner. You would assume responsibility for it yourself. And your love relationships would be lighter (by not being burdened by such a load), and yet more profound because two individuals who come together, already having learned to fulfill their own needs, already having assumed responsibility for their own inner well-being, will reach depths of love that people involved in the other kind of relationship can only dream of.

Image: Adam Martinakis

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch:

Rewiring the Soul

Click here to download the first chapter.
To see the Table of Contents click here

Reviews From the Back Cover:

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world & practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd; Founder Trans4mind.com; author: Daring To Be Yourself 

"The human being's directory to the soul. A breakthrough for those seeking practical assistance, those of a more mystical bent & every soul awaiting discovery." Toni Petrinovich, Ph.D.; author: The Call: Awakening the Angelic Human

The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come."
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of: Ecstasy is a New Frequency

“Eloquent and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion.” 

Robert Schwartz: Author of Your Soul’s Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born 

The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self 

My new book: The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self, is just out. Click here to download an excerpt. 

From the Introduction: It is your right to live a life of love. It is your right to understand that loving yourself first is not a selfish way of behavior, but one that allows you to live that life of love. However, it's highly probable that you never got the instruction manual explaining exactly how to accomplish this. Possibly your family - and it may have been a loving family - considered loving the self an act of selfishness. Or perhaps the members of your family simply didn't practice loving the self, and of course, what you didn't see - what was not shown to you - while you were growing up, meant that you just didn't learn how to apply it to yourself. The closer you are able to move towards loving yourself, the closer you will be to living a life of love - quite independently of whether you are in a love relationship or not. A life of love can be lived with or without a partnership, because a life of love implies that you know that it all begins with you by loving the self. The more clearly you understand how to love yourself, the more clearly you will see that it is very hard - if not impossible - to love others in ways that are unrelated to fulfilling any of your needs. Loving yourself first is - for so many of us - one of the hardest things we will ever learn how to do. But know this: the benefits affect you in every particle of your being - body, mind, and soul - and are greater than you will ever be able to imagine.

Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin (to be released Summer 2014)

My new book (due out summer 2014), deals with a subject that affects great numbers of people. Neediness and emotional unavailability are two sides of the same coin because both are based on a lack of self love, a fear of love, and a fear of the hurt that love can engender due to the vulnerability that being in love generally evokes. A person may live out one side of the coin (neediness) in several relationships and then - in a new relationship - may find him or herself living out the other side of the coin (emotional unavailability).

Neither of these tend to be deliberate because there is never anything consciously deliberate about the way a defense mechanism arises in childhood. A man who refuses to commit should not blithely be judged as being manipulative or callous although on the surface he may very well appear to be so. Furthermore, the older he gets, the more of a history of this nature he acquires, and hence the more those who sit in judgement reach the conclusion that they are right. The same could, of course, be said about the emotionally unavailable woman. Another case in point: a woman whose neediness may appear as emotionally manipulative (of her partner, parents, children, or friends), generally also does not behave this way in a deliberate fashion. The same could be said about the needy man.

Nevertheless some individuals, who have used these defense mechanisms over many years, have observed their effect on others, and so the emotionally unavailable man or woman may have noticed that this behavior magically attracts a certain kind of partner. Likewise, the needy man or woman will have observed that certain individuals always seem to do their bidding, if the neediness in expressed in emotionally manipulative ways.

This book dissects the causes and solutions of these defense mechanisms, paving the road - for those who wish to change the inner landscape of their emotional constraints - to live and be able to love more freely.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

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