"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Monday, May 26, 2014

When Others See You How You Are Not: Its Effect on Your Relationships

We often fall in love with a projection, which simply means that we aren't properly aware of who the other person really is ... and what we love is not necessarily who they really are. But we don't know this and we are in love and our partner most likely is doing exactly the same thing. You can see how this might create a problem.

In one scenario I'm aware that I'm not the ski slope lover my new partner thinks I am, but I really want him/her to love me back, so I try to mold myself into that, and we do frequent ski trips together. Thing is, I ski relatively well, but perhaps I hate the cold. Or perhaps I enjoy the après-ski a lot more than the actual skiing, but by the time après-ski comes around, my partner is quite tired and wants to go to bed. Or - substitute football, opera, gardening, discussing politics until the wee hours of the morning, or any other activity you care to mention instead of skiing, and since again, I really would like my new partner to admire me, approve of me, like, and love me, I allow myself to get settled into that particular strait jacket. In time I will find this too constricting and will rebel against the strait jacket and then important and potentially difficult issues will arise when my partner begins to see the greater reality of who I really am.

In another scenario perhaps my partner views me as funny, the center of any party, or perhaps he/she sees me as a veritable Doric column of justice and rectitude or a pillar of strength. We don't know why he/she sees me that way, as said, it's often a projection, but since I am being seen that way, and I may not even be aware of it, important and difficult issues will arise when my partner's rosy-colored glasses fall and he/she sees me for who I truly am.

The point of this preamble is to encourage you to see that much as we want others to like or love us, there is great danger in not being true to ourselves in the way we present ourselves. And of course this means that in the first scenario I be as open as possible about my lack of fire for skiing or football or opera, and that in the second scenario - recognizing at least on the basis of this brief post, that it is vital to be as aware as possible at all times in my relationships - I now go about them in a much more conscious way than before in order to prevent - as much as possible - blind actions and reactions such as those described from happening, or at least, catching them as soon as possible, and then nipping them in the bud by discussing what is going on.

The problem with this for most people is the fear of losing the potential partner. We fear that if we 'own' up to our true self, we won't have that chance at happiness. And we bargain with ourselves, convincing ourselves that it will soon sort itself out. And yet - isn't it better to have a chance at happiness with someone who knows (as much as possible) who you truly are, as opposed to having a chance at happiness with someone who believes you are what you are not? Projection - and all it entails - is not an easy subject to deal with, especially when we ourselves are still caught up in it, but this is one of the steps you can take in order to begin the unraveling.

Image: Jawa Barat, Indonesia

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch:

Rewiring the Soul

Click here to download the first chapter.
To see the Table of Contents click here

Reviews From the Back Cover:

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world & practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd; Founder Trans4mind.com; author: Daring To Be Yourself 

"The human being's directory to the soul. A breakthrough for those seeking practical assistance, those of a more mystical bent & every soul awaiting discovery." Toni Petrinovich, Ph.D.; author: The Call: Awakening the Angelic Human

The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come."
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of: Ecstasy is a New Frequency

“Eloquent and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion.” 

Robert Schwartz: Author of Your Soul’s Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born 

The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self 

My new book: The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self, is just out. Click here to download an excerpt. 

From the Introduction: It is your right to live a life of love. It is your right to understand that loving yourself first is not a selfish way of behavior, but one that allows you to live that life of love. However, it's highly probable that you never got the instruction manual explaining exactly how to accomplish this. Possibly your family - and it may have been a loving family - considered loving the self an act of selfishness. Or perhaps the members of your family simply didn't practice loving the self, and of course, what you didn't see - what was not shown to you - while you were growing up, meant that you just didn't learn how to apply it to yourself. The closer you are able to move towards loving yourself, the closer you will be to living a life of love - quite independently of whether you are in a love relationship or not. A life of love can be lived with or without a partnership, because a life of love implies that you know that it all begins with you by loving the self. The more clearly you understand how to love yourself, the more clearly you will see that it is very hard - if not impossible - to love others in ways that are unrelated to fulfilling any of your needs. Loving yourself first is - for so many of us - one of the hardest things we will ever learn how to do. But know this: the benefits affect you in every particle of your being - body, mind, and soul - and are greater than you will ever be able to imagine.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

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