"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Does Love Mean Togetherness?

You are in love and in the very early days of the relationship you might (but not all of you), want to be together with the beloved all the time. Every waking and sleeping minute, other than work or duty related, is time to be spent together. And you bask in the bliss of it. Because this is, after all, the very definition of heaven ...

Don't worry: this post is not about what happens when the relationship begins to drift apart. Rather, it's about what happens when you spend too much time together.

It may be that one of the two was quite overwhelmed by the expressed desire of the other to spend so much time together. One may have been very gratified, even flattered to have his or her presence to be so desired. A small nagging voice - generally shut down immediately - may have said every so often that you actually have a life apart from the beloved, that you should not neglect your other interests, friends, and activities to such a degree, but you are so much in love, and it feels so good to be so wanted.

The other may have had - at nano-second moments, also generally to be shut down immediately - a small nagging voice insisting that something was wrong with him or herself for focusing in such microscopic and lens-like fashion on the beloved. For noticing that he/she needed it to be like that, because when the beloved was not around, the partner who desired the constant presence above all, did not feel so good. And - miraculously - as soon as the partner was once more present, the not-so-good feelings evaporated.

Such behavior occurs frequently in relationships. My post is not about the why of it ... that would take too long for a mere blog post ... but about:
  • what you should do if you notice it happening
  • why it's not healthy
If you notice it happening (either of you), and especially if it has happened before, in the past, in other relationships (and sometimes people switch sides: so in this relationship you are the one who is overwhelmed, but in that relationship you might have been the instigator of the overwhelming), then ask yourself how you could incorporate a balanced portion of your 'other' life into the new situation. In other words, instead of letting go of everything you did prior to this relationship, in order to dedicate yourself body and soul to it, try to find a healthy balance between your other life and the relationship.

The reason it is not healthy is because such need, such desire, such obsession (or the allowing of it) to absorb your life because of a relationship, indicates that something is not in balance in you (and this was so long before the relationship walked into your life), and this lack of balance is what makes you crave the presence of (or allow it) the beloved to this degree in your hours and days. This goes to an unhealthy imbalance emotionally and will, eventually almost always lead to the demise of the relationship brought about by the first of the two partners who begins to feel stifled or suffocated. (And I might add, that it can be resolved, but requires much conscious awareness, much patience, and above all, much willingness on the part of both, to work on their own issues that brought them into this situation in the first place).

Healthy, balanced relationships need togetherness, of course, but they also need fresh air, oxygen, and outside stimulation in the form of separate interests, hobbies, types of friends, etc. This doesn't mean you should not spend as much time as possible together, as long as the balance discussed here is also maintained.

Photo Credit: Solomon Islands

Also visit my new website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch:
Rewiring the Soul

Click here to download the first chapter.
To see the Table of Contents click here

Reviews From the Back Cover:

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world & practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd; Founder Trans4mind.com; author: Daring To Be Yourself 

"The human being's directory to the soul. A breakthrough for those seeking practical assistance, those of a more mystical bent & every soul awaiting discovery." Toni Petrinovich, Ph.D.; author: The Call: Awakening the Angelic Human

The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

To download the first chapter, click here
To see the Table of Contents click here

Praise for The Tao of Spiritual Partnership

“All humans seek the illusive touch of another's Soul, which opens us to the sense of belonging to something bigger than the self. Dr. Kortsch has given us the true "tao" of relationship in this brilliant exploration of emotional tapestry. We will be grateful for this illumination of spiritual partnership for generations to come."
Chris Griscom: Spiritual Leader, Author (among others) of: Ecstasy is a New Frequency

“Eloquent and comprehensive, showing how your primary love relationship may be a sacred vessel that transports you and your partner to a place of mutual healing and expansion.” 

Robert Schwartz: Author of Your Soul’s Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born 

The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self 

My new book: The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self, is just out. Click here to download an excerpt. 
Here is a brief excerpt from the Introduction:

It is your right to live a life of love. It is your right to understand that loving yourself first is not a selfish way of behavior, but one that allows you to live that life of love. However, it's highly probable that you never got the instruction manual explaining exactly how to accomplish this. Possibly your family - and it may have been a loving family - considered loving the self an act of selfishness. Or perhaps the members of your family simply didn't practice loving the self, and of course, what you didn't see - what was not shown to you - while you were growing up, meant that you just didn't learn how to apply it to yourself. The closer you are able to move towards loving yourself, the closer you will be to living a life of love - quite independently of whether you are in a love relationship or not. A life of love can be lived with or without a partnership, because a life of love implies that you know that it all begins with you by loving the self. The more clearly you understand how to love yourself, the more clearly you will see that it is very hard - if not impossible - to love others in ways that are unrelated to fulfilling any of your needs. Loving yourself first is - for so many of us - one of the hardest things we will ever learn how to do. But know this: the benefits affect you in every particle of your being - body, mind, and soul - and are greater than you will ever be able to imagine.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

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