We send our kids to the best schools we can afford. We
send them to immersion courses during the summer in other countries to perfect
their foreign language skills. We make sure their food is nutritious, we
organize tennis lessons, piano lessons, private tutors and if they need it, we
send them to expensive dermatologists to help with their acne. We buy
over-priced school and sports uniforms; we give in to their pleas for the
latest fashion or technology craze, and it is abundantly clear that we love
them very much and want the very best for them.
Yes. Not a doubt in my mind about it.
But today I wanted to discuss other aspects of helping
them grow up well. And all of these have
to do with us. Not with them.
Happiness
What does your own happiness depend on? Do you need
your external circumstances to be just so
in order to be happy? Or have you found the way to being happy no matter what the external circumstances? In
other words, have you worked on yourself
enough to depend on yourself for your happiness? What a wonderful gift to
give your children! Can you do this?
Self-Awareness
How self aware are you? How
well do you really know yourself? What are the buttons that trigger your
reactions? Do you then act on those blind
reactions or are you so self-aware that you are able to choose to remain
conscious? If you do not remain conscious
when your buttons are pushed, and you become reactive (you react blindly), you
are teaching something as harmful to your children as you would be if you were giving
them drugs.
Making Choices & Self Responsibility
What kind of choices do you
make? How much responsibility do you take for resolving your own issues? When
you make your choices – every day – during your entire life, do you remember to
be aware in order to recognize that at each step of the way you always have alternatives? Do you
remember that you are responsible for
everything you feel, think, say, and do? In other words, you need not yell,
you need not cry, you need not despair, you need not fear, you need not resort
to anger, because you always have another
alternative. Do you know how to live in such a way that the alternative you choose is the one that creates most well-being
for you, and hence – by ripple effect – for those that live with you? If
you do this – and consistently show it to your children – you are giving them a
great gift.
Healthy Boundaries & Loving the Self
Are you free of
codependence, manipulation, and enmeshment? No? I really did not expect you to
say yes, you know. But it is very important that you recognize that some or all
of these continue to form part of your life. That’s called being aware. Then, deciding to do something
about them is called making choices and
being responsible for the self.
Here’s how it works: you
fall into some of your old traps, like noting codependent behavior with your
spouse, sibling, parent, or anyone else, or like realizing you have once again attempted
to manipulate someone … perhaps your child, in order to create the behavior you
desire in a specific situation. If you
are doing this, and if you are aware of it, recognize also that you are
teaching your child behavior that will fetter him to self-destructive and
negative ways of dealing with life. You can change this by giving your
child the gift of your change.
Working on yourself will bring this about.
Blaming Others & Being A Victim
Do you tend to blame
others? Are you a victim of events or people in your life? Can you forgive?
What you show your child by one or the other mode of behavior, will, in some
ways, determine his/her chance at happiness now and in the future. Learn not to blame – no matter what - stop
being a victim – no matter what - and begin to forgive – no matter what - in
order to teach all of this to your child by virtue of your own example!
Walking Your Talk
Do you walk your talk? Do
you say one thing and do another? Are you authentic? Are you really the way you
portray yourself to be? Do you actually know who that is? This
goes back to self awareness. It goes to meaning. It is implicit in happiness. Discover yourself because only if you do
that, can you really walk your talk and in the process show your child what
it means to be authentic.
Is There a Meaning In Your Life?
What is the central meaning
of your life? Is there passion in your life, in that which gives meaning to it?
Does your energy soar (not only your physical energy, but in particular, you
inner energy, your psycho-emotional energy, the way you feel yourself vibrate
inside) when you involve yourself with whatever it is that gives meaning to
your life? Having this; finding this, implementing this, and then truly living
it is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child as a role model he or
she can follow.
Living in the Now
Are you always reliving
past glories? Or past hurts? Or are you always counting the time until
something special will happen – that raise at work, your vacation, the weekend,
etc.? In other words, are you always living at any time other than the present? If so, recognize what you are teaching your
child. This is the cause of much unhappiness in the lives of so many. Don’t let
your child be one of them. Teach him/her something different by learning to remain in the present
yourself. Become aware of all the now moments you are losing and begin to
systematically change this in order to make your life so much better and in the
process give your child the gift of the now.
Transparency
Be open with your children! Show them that you can
make mistakes, or that you can learn from them.
Show them that you are open to being open, and that you invite openness from
them, no matter what they want to confide
in you! Doing this is both easy and hard. It’s easy because it is really
just a question of choosing to be like this, but it’s hard because in order to
be like this, you must also choose to become self-aware and conscious at all
times, choose to make yourself responsible for all that you feel, think, say,
and do, and hence choose to work on all the those aspects that complicate this
as discussed in previous sections of this article.
Love
Has the Greatest Priority in Your Relationships
Remember
this: the love you have for your child (newborn, toddler,
teenager or adult child) must come before
all other considerations. When there is a problem, in particular, an ego
problem, for example, where one of you insists on being right, and as long as
the other does not acquiesce to the rightness of that one, the relationship is
on hold, you must remember that the love you have for each other – or even just the love you have for your
child (in the event that at this particular moment your child has forgotten
he loves you) – must be greater than the need to be right, or than the need for
the problem to be resolved the way you think it ought to be.
Putting
It All Together
Look within, work on yourself, become congruent, love
yourself and realize that every positive thing you do in order to improve
yourself will have a ripple effect on the lives of all those you touch.
You have so many gifts to give your child. No one
expects you to be perfect. But you can
start the road towards the goal of growth, self awareness, and loving yourself
by beginning today with the first step. That first step is simply remembering
to be conscious, and when you forget, forgiving yourself for forgetting, but
praising yourself for at least having remembered that you forgot to remember to
be conscious. And then doing it all over again … the more time you spend being conscious, the more quickly you will
reach the goal of your own inner freedom, and the more quickly you will reach
the goal of being able to offer your child the gift of your example with all of
this.
***************
VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH
See the preview (click the title below) to my online video course:
Now Available
"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"
Click HERE
***************
See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course:
Now Available
"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"
Click HERE
**************************************************
See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course
*****************************
CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
En YouTube aquí
CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE
Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida
En YouTube aquí
*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"
****************************
****************************
"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
y con dependencia emocional"
en Youtube aquí
****************************
Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?
en YouTube aqui
*****************************
"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles
y con dependencia emocional"
en Youtube aquí
****************************
Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía
****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual
en YouTube aquí
****************************
Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?
en YouTube aqui
*****************************
BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich
DEINE SEELE UND DU
Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle
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