It always
seems to happen after a time, doesn't it? What starts out as sheer and utter
bliss, becomes routine or much less, and one of the consequences is that your
partner simply no longer makes you happy the way he/she did at the beginning.
So now what
can you do?
- Address issues when they are fresh: don't
let them linger. If one of you is hurt or angry or upset for any reason
whatsoever, the issue should be discussed. The person who is upset is not
necessarily right, nor is the other one necessarily right. What is
important is the freedom to talk about it openly, putting both sides on
the table and attempting to find a win-win solution that works for both.
Some version of a win-win solution should almost always be possible. It
simply means that both sides
are willing to concede a point in order to leave the table with an amicable
solution. On other occasions you may need to agree to disagree (see
below), and sometimes using the scale of 1-10 (see below) might be
helpful.
- Understand the meaning of healthy
boundaries, discuss them and begin to implement them together. Above all,
be careful about letting resentment enter your partnership if one of you
is overstepping boundaries and the other has unhealthy boundaries because
such resentment is ultimately poisonous for the relationship. Understand
that both of you have an issue.
Also see: Do Your Relationship Boundaries Contribute to your Well-being?
and Finding it Hard to Love Yourself? Check Out Your Boundaries
- Be consciously aware and not blindly
reactive in your reactions with your partner. Essentially this means that
as long as you react impulsively when your buttons get pushed, as opposed
to giving yourself a moment to choose
a reaction that is good for you and good for the occasion, you will tend
to bring your communication to a dysfunctional halt. Listen to my audio
clip: How Do You Choose to React?
- Allow yourself to be vulnerable. People
that don't do this tend to be afraid of standing emotionally naked before
their partner. Hence they hold back many emotions, the consequence of
which is, of course, that many avenues of exploration and communication
with the partner remain blocked. Bringing up emotions, even if you find
it difficult, is not only healthy for the relationship, but also for the
person him or herself who finds it difficult to do this. Also see: Emotional Unavailability: An Introduction and Having a Relationship with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
- Agree to disagree and learn how not to
'need' to be right. Taking your ego's needs out of the equation is a
recipe for much success in a relationship. This does not mean you are to
lie down and become a doormat, but that you need to ask yourself how much
of your need to be right in given
situation with your partner is an ego question or is simply not
important. Obviously the more both
of you understand this principle and adhere to it, the more both of you
will contribute to the blooming health of your partnership. Also see Giving Up the Need to Be Right
- Use the 'on a scale of 1-10' method for
joining in activities you might find less than exciting. If your partner
thrills to opera or can't wait to see the horse races, or if your partner
loves football or bird watching, theatre or deep sea fishing, you might
decide to do some of these activities separately as below in the point
two, or, if you have a free afternoon that you actually want to spend
together, and one prefers the action movie and the other prefers the
romantic one, it might be a simple thing to ask: on a scale of 1-10, how important is it for you to do this?
Depending on the answer, you will see which of the two is more invested
in their particular choice, and assuming that this will be a two-way
street on future occasions, you could then go ahead and participate in
the activity of the partner with a higher rating on the afore-mentioned
scale.
- Make a point of using dinner for daily
communication - but not about
issues or problems. Sit down at the table without the TV in the
background (or foreground) for those 15-30 minutes that dinner takes and communicate with one another. Use
that time to connect. Make it a
habit!
- Common activities
and friendships: To have mutual friends and common interests and activities is
evidently of paramount importance in a relationship.
- Separate
activities and friendships: However, to also have separate friendships, interests, and
activities is also of paramount
importance in a relationship. This allows both partners to take in fresh
air and bring this fresh air into
their mutual contact and communication. If partners are clinging to
each other for all their social activities and interests, the
relationship will soon wither and stagnate, and even though people might
stay together for decades or even a lifetime, the process of stagnation
will have affected the quality of the relationship in ways that only
become apparent when one of them 'suddenly' decides they can't take it
anymore and announce they are leaving.
- Life meaning
(for both): This
is as essential to each of the partners and by extension to the
relationship, as oxygen is to our bodies. I cannot underline enough how
important it is for every individual to have a meaning in their life, no
matter what that meaning is. This meaning should not depend on another
human being, but should emanate from yourself. It should bring you joy
and satisfaction and serve as a support for you when life is difficult. Also
see Finding a Meaning for Your Life
For much more about relationships and the choices you have at all times in order to transform your life, have a look at my book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self
To download the first chapter, click here
Reviews From the Back Cover:
A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom & joy but illuminates the way to true human potential. Dr. Kortsch is a spiritual master for our time. Paul Rademacher, Executive Director, The Monroe Institute; author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe
"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre
"The instruction manual on rewiring the soul. An in-depth guide on life, love, spiritual evolution & our integration within the universe." Michael Habernig & April Hannah; Producers: The Path- The Afterlife & The Path 11 Documentaries
"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world & practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd; Founder Trans4mind.com; author: Daring To Be Yourself
"The human being's directory to the soul. A breakthrough for those seeking practical assistance, those of a more mystical bent & every soul awaiting discovery." Toni Petrinovich, Ph.D.; author: The Call: Awakening the Angelic Human
No comments:
Post a Comment