"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Friday, September 9, 2011

When Love Walks Out the Door: Six Tips For Intelligent Survival

When you are in love - or believe yourself to be in love - and love walks out the door, you are not only justifiably devastated, but you may be devastated to the point of paralysis, palpitations, pain that can associate with physical nausea, and above all, a sensation of not being able to continue with this deep, bottomless pit that has formed at the center of your being. The yawning Hades, whose blackness spreads before you, is only known by those who have been there.

Those whose lives have recently been ripped asunder in the fashion described, those whose love has walked out the door, are particularly vulnerable on special days such as Christmas, New Year’s or Valentine’s Day, on weekends, on vacations, on special anniversaries and birthdays.

Ideas of some of the things you can do to help yourself back to the road of equanimity, if not inner peace and contentment, or even happiness, follow:

1. As you examine the relationship that has just ended - as most people tend to do ad nauseam, to the point of sorely trying their friends' patience, because of the desire to understand why it ended, or what you did that was wrong, or what you could have done differently - ask yourself what truly positive thing you could learn from this most painful experience. This questioning process that almost always takes place on an inner level can lead you to the beginning of the road to recovery. Perhaps you could learn that this is not the way to allow yourself to be treated. Perhaps the learning has to do with always telling the truth, or always being transparent with your own beliefs, likes, and dislikes, and not hiding them in order to be liked or loved. Perhaps you could learn that simply loving another human being does not guarantee love in return - or at least not everlasting love. (This is akin to living at the symbolic level of power, referred to by Caroline Myss in her audio CD Three Levels of Power and How to Use Them).

2. Ask yourself if the love you felt for this person who has just abandoned you, was a love that made you feel free, or a love that made you feel anxious and dependent. If it was the latter, ask yourself if you truly think it is a positive thing to feel that way, when you are supposed to be in love and therefore in the best place any of us can be. Is it possible that something so good can make you feel so miserable? I refer to how you felt while the other person was still your partner, was still with you, not how you feel now, that the other person has left. And if you agree that this is not the way one should - ideally - feel when one is in love, then ask yourself what is wrong with your scenario. In other words, why did you feel so anxious and dependent? The answer is quite simple: anxious and dependent love has its roots in neediness, and we are needy when we have not yet begun to love the self. So we love others in the hope (unconscious) of being able to love ourselves as we see the reflection of their love for us in their eyes. I have explained this in greater length in the first of the Related Articles below). Understanding this inner neediness takes you another big step on the road not only to recovery from the painful loss of the relationship, but also to finding yourself.

3. Ask yourself if there is anything in your life that truly gives it meaning. In other words, do you feel a passion for something? Does something that you do, give you a sense of purpose, or mission, or fill you with excitement. If so, a big part of your problem is already solved, because by dedicating yourself to that, you will be able to get over the worst of your feeling of being bereft. Such a sense of purpose and meaning in life is as fundamentally important as breathing. Therefore, if you have no such sense, or if you would like to have it, but don't know what it might be, please read the second article below in order to learn how to implement something like this into your life. Having a sense of purpose and meaning in life canot be stressed highly enough. If you resolve this one, you will have come a long way.

4. Ask yourself how well you know yourself. How comfortable you are with yourself. Because if you do not know yourself, or if you are not comfortable with yourself, you will find great difficulty maintaining a viable and healthy relationship, and you will tend to attract to you partners who are on the same wave-length of not being very aware of themselves. Make an effort to walk down this road a little bit every day, in order to change - to broaden - this aspect of yourself, so that future relationships can be very different. Also read the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth articles below.

5. Ask yourself how much of what is going through your head right now is blame. If you are blaming the other person for how terrible or awful he/she is for doing this to you, after all you did for him/her, please know that this blaming will take you no where. It may very well be true that you have been treated badly, but what must be learned from this is that for some reason you have allowed it. The other person is not in your control, but you are. To begin to walk down this road, read articles 7, 8, and 9 below.

6. Ask yourself what choices you have today. That's right. What can you choose today to make things better for yourself? Understand that everything you do and think, and that how you act and react is your choice. This is a long topic, there are many things to be said about it, and so I simply want to leave you with this thought: you always have a choice. Even when you are in pain. You can choose how you think about your pain, you can choose to remain immobilized, or you can choose to do something about it, such as, for example, right now, read some of the related articles below, to begin the process of bringing yourself to another level. Not of suppressing the pain, but of beginning to understand how you don't really have to be here, and of implementing some of the tools that will help you leave this place inside of you, to one where the sun shines every day ... I encourage you to look at articles 10 - 14 below.

Related Articles:

1. I Need You...I Need You Not: Does Love Imply Needing?
2. Finding a Meaning For Your Life
3. Tending Your Inner Garden
4. Do You Like The Person You Are Alone With?
5. The Unexamined Life
6. Giving Birth To Yourself
7. Choosing To Wallow in Relationship Pain?
8. Anonymous Reader and Relationship Woes
9. Relationship Pain
10. Book Review 2 - Happiness Is A Choice
11. The Greatest Quality in Life
12. All You Have Is Now
13. No One Can Control Your Emotions
14. Taking the State of Your Energy into Your Own Hands
15. Losing the Connection: You Still Love Each Other, But No Longer Connect
16. Your Parents, Your Children, and the Marital Bed
17. The Mirror of Relationships
18. Transparency in Relationships
19. Are You in Love or Do You Love?
20. Emotional Unavailability: An Introduction
21. Committed Relationships: Use Them to Grow Towards Understanding and Real Love
22. Marriage in the 21st Century: Could Cutting-Edge Spiritual Psychology Make it Viable Again?
23. Finding it Hard to Love Yourself? Check Out Your Boundaries

Realize this, if nothing else: you and you alone are responsible for your happiness and well-being. The sooner you apply this knowledge to your life, the more quickly you will find it possible, by virtue of awareness and making appropriate and healthy choices, to build a strong inner core that will see you through these dark nights. It is impossible to control others, but you can do something about yourself.

For much more information about your inner state, your relationships, your pain, and what to do about it all in such a way that it will lead to peace, freedom, harmony and joy, get my book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self, available as a paperback or e-book for Kindle. Click here to download the first chapter.

Reviews From the Back Cover:

"This meticulously researched and crafted book is clearly the masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul, one who thinks deeply, feels deeply, and cares deeply about the well-being of the world and its humankind. Reading it will change your life; beginning to live actively any of its ideas, principles, and suggestions will transform your life. And bring you safely and joyfully home to your true self, your soul. I found it dazzling, challenging, and wondrously useful."
PEGGY RUBIN, Director, Center for Sacred Theatre, Ashland, Oregon; author, To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"The Soul doesn't get sick but it does need nourishment; if not it seems as if our life starves to death. This wonderful book by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch is definitely healthy "Soul food". It becomes clear that as the personality endeavors to "rewire" the Soul, it is its own energy or conscious awareness that is elevated to that higher level where the invisible becomes visible and experienced as peace, joy, love and freedom. A treat to enjoy and celebrate."
ERIC ROLF; author, Soul Medicine: The Heart of Healing

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