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Friday, August 26, 2011

Does Love Mean Togetherness?

You are in love and in the very early days of the relationship you might (but not all of you), want to be together with the beloved all the time. Every waking and sleeping minute, other than work or duty related, is time to be spent together. And you bask in the bliss of it. Because this is, after all, the very definition of heaven ...

Don't worry: this post is not about what happens when the relationship begins to drift apart. Rather, it's about what happens when you spend too much time together.

It may be that one of the two was quite overwhelmed by the expressed desire of the other to spend so much time together. One may have been very gratified, even flattered to have his or her presence to be so desired. A small nagging voice - generally shut down immediately - may have said every so often that you actually have a life apart from the beloved, that you should not neglect your other interests, friends, and activities to such a degree, but you are so much in love, and it feels so good to be so wanted.

The other may have had - at nano-second moments, also generally to be shut down immediately - a small nagging voice insisting that something was wrong with him or herself for focusing in such microscopic and lens-like fashion on the beloved. For noticing that he/she needed it to be like that, because when the beloved was not around, the partner who desired the constant presence above all, did not feel so good. And - miraculously - as soon as the partner was once more present, the not-so-good feelings evaporated.

Such behavior occurs frequently in relationships. My post is not about the why of it ... that would take too long for a mere blog post ... but about:
  • what you should do if you notice it happening
  • why it's not healthy
If you notice it happening (either of you), and especially if it has happened before, in the past, in other relationships (and sometimes people switch sides: so in this relationship you are the one who is overwhelmed, but in that relationship you might have been the instigator of the overwhelming), then ask yourself how you could incorporate a balanced portion of your 'other' life into the new situation. In other words, instead of letting go of everything you did prior to this relationship, in order to dedicate yourself body and soul to it, try to find a healthy balance between your other life and the relationship.

The reason it is not healthy is because such need, such desire, such obsession (or the allowing of it) to absorb your life because of a relationship, indicates that something is not in balance in you (and this was so long before the relationship walked into your life), and this lack of balance is what makes you crave the presence of (or allow it) the beloved to this degree in your hours and days. This goes to an unhealthy imbalance emotionally and will, eventually almost always lead to the demise of the relationship brought about by the first of the two partners who begins to feel stifled or suffocated. (And I might add, that it can be resolved, but requires much conscious awareness, much patience, and above all, much willingness on the part of both, to work on their own issues that brought them into this situation in the first place).

Healthy, balanced relationships need togetherness, of course, but they also need fresh air, oxygen, and outside stimulation in the form of separate interests, hobbies, types of friends, etc. This doesn't mean you should not spend as much time as possible together, as long as the balance discussed here is also maintained.

For more about healthy relationships, inner balance, emotions, and conscious awareness in love, see my new book Rewiring the Soul: Finding the Possible Self. It's available at Amazon in paperback and e-book for Kindle and all Kindle applications. You may also access the first chapter here

Photo Credit: Solomon Islands

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