"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Monday, October 11, 2010

Freeing Yourself From Some of the Bonds

A few days ago I blogged about Autonomy in Love and today I'm going to tell almost the same story but in different words. Your partner has indicated that for some reason they are upset with you. Or, God forbid, that they may be contemplating abandoning you. You are devastated. Even in the milder case, where it's merely a question of an upset between the two of you. You recognize this feeling. You have been here many times before. What it is telling you is that your well-being depends on your partner being OK with you. It depends on him/her not being angry or annoyed with you. This sense of well-being that sways back and forth depending on how your partner is feeling about you enslaves you. Not your partner. Your partner is not the one who is enslaving you, although at times it may feel like that. It is your own inner well-being wavering back and forth according to your partner's moods that enslaves you.

So this is what is necessary: your own recognition that when you feel like that, it is up to you to change how you feel, no matter what is going on with your partner. The reason you waver in that fashion is because your own inner core, your inner emotional core is not strong. It needs the approbation or love of the other to allow it to feel good. If you can begin to understand this, you will see that the wavering comes from you and not from outside of you. It comes from a lack of love of yourself. What will make it strong, bit by bit, is if you begin to show the self that you love the self enough to take care of the self in moments like the one described, by being good to the self and doing something that will make you feel better at that moment in time, despite your partner's mood.

This process will strengthen something that is not very strong in you: your self love, and if you do this at any time you feel that familiar sensation referred to above, then each time you choose to care for the self and choose to re-establish that inner balance and well-being despite the outer circumstance, you will grow in self love. And that will bring you to freedom from the bonds.

Photo Credit: Gabriella Kortsch . View from Spain near Tarifa, east towards Bolonia (beaches in foreground) and the Moorish town of Tarifa (land tip jutting out into the water at right), to Africa (the Rif Mountains in background) and Tangiers across the Straits of Gibraltar

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