"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Choosing To Wallow in Relationship Pain?

Photo by IAC - visite su blog aqui
Continuing with yesterday's theme of staying with anger, I thought we could look at relationship pain today. Imagine you and your partner broke up recently. You are dealing with it, and think you are on the road to recovery. You're driving in your car and the radio plays a song that makes you think of your partner. You wax nostalgic, and the nostalgia disintegrates into pain and sorrow, loss, deep, shattering loss.

Again, you've been reading the books, maybe even some portions of this blog, so you know what to do...you know you need to get yourself out of that place or you will fall into a deep black hole without a shadow of a doubt. And it may take you some time to find your way out of there. So you really know how important it is for you to leave this place in your mind, your thoughts, your feelings, your energy, in order to attain a higher energetic vibration. But you don't want to.

It feels good. What? Didn't we say it hurts like hell? Yes, but it still feels good.

This is really the crux of the matter. We all need to recognize these moments - at whatever time of pain in our lives, whether it is anger, loss, anguish - moments when we deliberately choose to remain in the "bad" place, rather than choosing to go elsewhere. Only by becoming conscious of the strong pull of pain, by becoming conscious of Eckhart Tolle's pain body or the emotional body as Chris Griscom calls it, can we begin the process of extricating ourselves from that pull and finding inner freedom precisely by making the choice.


  1. Being married for 20 years and having 5 kids together creates a definite bond between a man and a woman. Words cannot describe the feeling a woman has when she devotes that sort of time and effort towards her family and her marriage not to mention the huge sacrifice only to find out that he is cheating, lying about you being a boring fat non-social lead weight to him and that he decided he doesn't want to be a dad anymore. He wants to trade it all in for a drinking at the bar social life with professional women sex goddesses who make as much as he does who never cared to have any kids and who are skinny as a rail because they don't eat anything but salads. You want to cry because you just know that there is some desperate half drunk lonely female out there who will be taken in by his charm and charisma just as you were and lose it all and be left behind just the same way too. He's a great lover and the thought of him being with another lover makes you want to throw up and somewhere in the back of your mind, you wonder if he will call her your pet names and if he will use the sexual moves you taught him on her. Jealously, rage, plain old sick to your stomach feelings arise. I don't think I enjoy wallowing in this pain. Rather, I would do anything NOT to be in love with him anymore because he clearly isn't in love with me having treated me this way and traded me in like I was ready for the glue factory now that I hit fifty. I just feel so damned empty inside like I have no more to give anyone else ever again, nor do I ever again want to try to trust someone to have a relationship. This time was the charm and I realized the chances of finding real honest love out there are pretty slim in today's world. People are out for themselves to use and abuse. Some men like to use you up and then dump you for their own selfish needs. It is what it is, one big lie. Men are about money, sex, and how you look, not about the beautiful person you are inside or how loving and giving you are to them. They think with their lower anatomy and will tap every thing that moves if given the chance. I feel like the world's biggest joke and bust out though when I look in the mirror I see a very tired, yet beautiful intelligent woman who has been hurt beyond belief and who will never be able to love another man every again after all of this. And men wonder why women turn into bitches - now I know exactly why they do!

  2. Thanks for that comment.

    I can feel your pain. There is so much to be said about this. So much for you to realize so that you can find the road out of your pain. I would encourage you to read some of the articles on my website, http://www.advancedpersonaltherapy.com , in particular, one called "I Need You, I Need You Not". Also: "Committed Relationships".

    I'd also encourage you to look into Byron Katie's work, especially her "Loving What Is" (book or CD's).

    Good luck!