Yearning For Love

If you thought I only read about neuroscience and spirituality, you are quite wrong. I also read novels and occasionally even peek into a tabloid. That is how I became aware of a 40-ish woman who had built up a very lucrative and successful life for herself and her children. She was twice divorced and yearned for a new partner and true love. Given the nature of her high-octane profession in the investment field, and her lack of time, she sought out the services of a high-end and expensive dating service. It all went sideways and she was unable to succeed in her endeavour.

But the story made me think. Of course most people yearn for love and companionship. Nothing in this article is meant to denigrate her in the least, nor for that matter, anyone, of any gender and any age, who resorts to whatever our modern life in this age of technology affords us in the quest for partnership.

But – this rather sad story tells us so much about the human condition:

• We become highly proficient at outer success (on any level you care to mention), but hardly know ourselves.
• We typically don’t know about the importance of knowing ourselves – even if we have postgrad studies and more, i.e., it’s never a question about the degree of our education, but the degree of our awareness of self.
• Even if we do know about it, we don’t generally have an inkling about how to get there, or even how to simply start the process.
• We are afraid to be alone … or …
• We don’t know how to be alone.
• We may believe that by defining our psychological profile, by means of specialized tests, we will be able to match up with the perfect partner.
• We are however, unaware of the fact that our psychological profile – at least the typical ones that even high-end dating sites use – will say little to nothing about the state of our emotional maturity, or will focus on so much else that it gets lost in the verbiage.
• Without knowing the state of our emotional maturity, finding someone will be just as ‘hit-and-miss’ on the street, in bars, or simply in normal social situations, as it would be on a dating site. (See the articles referenced at the end of this article)
• More importantly (and sadly), we know very little about emotional maturity. Hence we do little to nothing about growing it. Instead, we continue to hunt for the elusive, perfect partner, the soul mate, the one who will complement us so perfectly, that we will be happy, be content, feel fulfilled, and in general, live that good life that heretofore has simply slipped through our fingers.
• In all likelihood we will never have spent any truly conscious time perfecting the art of loving ourselves.
• And that signifies that we never learn to fill our own psychological and emotional lacunae – the holes in us that we try to fill with the one we love, if we are loved in return.
• And of course all of this tells us about what we will focus on in the other, once that other appears. We typically and mainly focus on the external, because we have not yet developed a relationship with our own inner self.
• Filling the holes I mentioned above happens when we begin to be fully conscious, to love the self, to develop our emotional maturity, and to actively seek a relationship with the self.

So – back to the story of the woman seeking her perfect mate. And remember, it could be a story about a man, or someone much younger, or someone much older. It happens all the time. It’s the eternal story of yearning for love.

Imagine how all of this yearning could be so much easier if those who yearn knew all of the above and were actively working on it. It’s not that they would want love any less, but that they would not “need” to find love to feel good. Of course they would want it. But wanting and needing are two very different things. If you are taking good care of yourself in the ways described in this article, you will live your life very differently, specifically with respect to how you deal with what you want and may not yet have.

What could be done on a higher, societal level to achieve such goals? To begin with – and I’ve been standing on this soapbox for many decades – a school curriculum needs to include many of the items mentioned in this article. School children need to learn about - at a very minimum all of the following (and then they can teach it to their parents):

• Self-regulation (an important piece of emotional maturity, which many adults lack)
• Healthy boundaries (also part of emotional maturity)
• Self-love, or call it self-care. Taking good care of yourself emotionally and psychologically. This is also part of the emotional maturity equation. It leads, of course, to all those other ‘self’ bits that factor so importantly in our lives, especially when we lack them: self-respect, self-esteem, self-approval, to mention only a few.
• Learning to be alone and being capable of enjoying it, which means developing a relationship with the self.

Lest you think that teaching this in schools is complicated, it is not! One class a week that focuses on these matters from kindergarten level on will take us a very long way. But that is a subject for another article.

My point is that if this were happening in schools already, the scenario described at the beginning about the woman yearning for love would not take place the way it did. Nor would she feel as bereft as she appears to be due to finding continual obstacles in her path (according to what I read), because she would know perfectly well how to take care of herself emotionally and psychologically, not to mention spiritually, until such time as love shows up in her life – or not. And if it does not, she would be fine as well. Knowing that you will be fine, no matter what, is worth all the gold in the world.

It is in the belief that our solution to whatever is troubling us or causing us to yearn (for anything at all) lies out there, that creates pain, frustration, anxiety, fear, and a desire to control matters. Only when we learn to seek the solution on the inside, do we find inner peace and well-being. Look at it this way: if you are yearning for love, and if it is not showing up, or it is showing up, but wearing all sorts of toxic hats, then take that frustrated yearning as a blessing in disguise. Allow it to lead you to set out on the path described in this article. Yearn – and learn - to love yourself first, and then seek the other.

Also see:

• How Your Degree of Emotional Maturity Influences Your Partner Choices
• A Portrait of a Healthy Relationship

***************

VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


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See the preview (click below) to my online on-demand video course  

  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"

Click HERE to access the rate of US 15

  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida

En YouTube aquí

*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"

En YouTube aquí

****************************

"Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos"

en YouTube aquí

****************************

"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles 
y con dependencia emocional"

en Youtube aquí

****************************

Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual

en YouTube aquí

*****************************

BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Sexuality in Spiritual Relationships

Did you think that if you start following a more ‘spiritual’ path, your sex life would become tabu? Or that you would need to ‘give it up’, in order to conform to whatever precepts you believed living a spiritual life imply?

Not so.

I’ve written an entire book about spiritual partnerships – The Tao of Spiritual Partnership - as opposed to conventional relationships, and it is precisely in spiritual partnerships where long-term sexuality is able to not only flourish, but remain passionate – and even to grow in passion.

What are the differences between a spiritual partnership and a conventional relationship? There are many, but I’d like to focus on just a few, in order to cut through the misconception that spirituality tolls the death knoll for sexuality – or at least – dampens it exponentially. I should also clarify that by spirituality I am referring to any type of spiritual life, rather than a religious one. And lest you think this is about tantric sex, it’s not. Here are some of the main differences between a spiritual partnership and a conventional relationship:

• In a spiritual relationship, both partners are awake and aware. They do not, as a rule, forget to remain conscious (of their thoughts, feelings, moods, reactions, and actions), or at least, they continually strive to be so.
• Because of this, both partners are not reactive, i.e., knee-jerk reactions to things that happen, that are said or done, do not generally happen, and if they do, these partners immediately attempt (because they are invested in having such a relationship) to resolve the matter, by trying to understand what happened and how they can change whatever it was in their future behaviour.
• It also means all subjects are on the table. Full transparency about everything. In fact, complete transparency is something both want and expect. Even when it’s scary or uncomfortable.
• This in turn means that both partners are invested in their own growth, understanding that each of their own growth will allow the partnership to grow, develop, and mature on all levels.
• Both partners take responsibility for their own well-being and happiness. This doesn’t mean that they don’t support each other in all matters, but that they are aware of the fact that their well-being ultimately depends on themselves and on their inner state, their self-dialogue, and their sense of self-responsibility. This implies that neither expects the other to feel obliged to be responsible for, or morally implicated in their own happiness. A wonderful book I read decades ago by Barry Neil Kaufman called Happiness is a Choice brought this home to me.
• In turn, this implies that both partners have learned to love themselves, in order to actually want to take on this responsibility for their own well-being.
• This self-love is the foundation on which a spiritual partnership rests. You may have noticed I haven’t yet begun to speak about anything spiritual, and that is because a spiritual partnership is not about being spiritual in a conventional senses, as much as it is about recognizing how self-love changes the way we interact with others.
• It is also this self-love that predicates a certain kind of very specific comportment on both sides. Both partners are consciously invested in ‘growing’ or developing themselves. If this is the case, and one of the partners recognizes, for example that he/she is impatient, jealous, or verbally explosive, he/she will immediately undertake to change this, working on honing his/her character. This is not done in order to please or placate the other. Rather, it is done because the recognition of those bits of the personality that are lacking in some fashion, or that create issues because the partner who manifests the behaviour has not yet worked on them, causes that partner to want to change because he/she loves him/herself. Think of it the way a loving parent attempts to teach a child good, decent, responsible, ethical, and moral behaviour. In this case, you become your own parent and as you see those parts of yourself that need honing, you take on the task.
• Another salient difference between a spiritual partnership and a conventional relationship is a point I have often written about in these monthly articles over the past 12 years. Spiritual partners are deeply and profoundly interested and invested in knowing their partner. Knowing someone goes far beyond discovering their likes and dislikes, or having conversations about all those typical things we discuss with those we love, such as vacation plans, getting a new roof for the house, college planning for the eldest child, or which movie to see on the weekend. Truly knowing someone means you delve into the depths of the other – not by having occasional profound conversations – but by being interested in the deeper and most real and true side of the other at all times. How does this manifest itself? It can begin with all of the above points.
• You can imagine that all of the above, assuming a couple has decided to undertake a life involving such a spiritual partnership, brings with it conversations of a very different – and highly transparent – nature, than conversations one might engage in in a conventional relationship. The very transparency – of each partner – with the other, changes so much. Think about it. How truly transparent have your intimate relationships been?
• Particularly this last point, taken together with all the others, is what brings us to the topic of sexuality in spiritual partnerships. Most of us can attest to the fact that sexual desire frequently wanes over the life of a relationship even when love has not. We take it as a part of life. We understand how it happens, and some – although not all – are resigned to it without necessarily breaking a marriage or finding outside excitement despite of this waning. However, when a spiritual partnership is lived in the manner in which I’ve described it in this article, the couple experiences a much higher degree of sustained passion. Why? It is a passion that goes far beyond the intimacy of the physical body. It is a passion that goes far beyond genital sensuality and sexuality. It is a passion that is born of the desire of the inner core – the eternal spiritual part – of the other that is constantly renewed every day by living in this fashion. It is literally a fire that is stoked by being focused on the eternal being that is your partner, as opposed to merely the physical one who is sitting in the room with you. Think about it: when you don’t live your relationship this way, you literally never come to know that which lives under the parts that are readily visible and audible. The mystery of the other will never be seen. I very much resonate with this Eckhart Tolle quote: “The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, person and family history, belief systems, and often nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you.”

If none of these is you, why would you focus exclusively – or mainly - on those parts of your partner? It is precisely in those other parts where the mystery lies, the excitement, and the passion.

***************

VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Fatherless Women & Motherless Men





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"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

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***************

See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts




Now Available
"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15

**************************************************

See the preview (click below) to my online on-demand video course  

  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"

Click HERE to access the rate of US 15

  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida

En YouTube aquí

*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"

En YouTube aquí

****************************

"Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos"

en YouTube aquí

****************************

"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles 
y con dependencia emocional"

en Youtube aquí

****************************

Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual

en YouTube aquí

*****************************

BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

The Nature of True Intimacy

Recently I read the following quote by Upendo Kupita Juu: “Intimacy is not entirely physical. In fact, it can have no physical interaction at all. For an intimate relationship to take place, allow someone into your thoughts. Let them hold and caress your feelings. Let them be intimate with your mind. Allow for the emotional intimacy to be the reason for passion to be bred. Now that intimacy is long lasting.”

You may never have considered this aspect of intimacy, simply because our socialization process since we were young, led us down paths that consider intimacy to be only (or mainly) about sex. Not so.

If I had a hundred euros (or dollars) for every couple that has come to see me about a failing sex life, I’d be wealthy by now. We don’t seem to understand that without what I am going to call spiritual intimacy, which goes far beyond emotional intimacy, the physical one simply doesn’t last. As a matter of fact, it hasn’t got the slightest hope, unless perhaps we’re talking about adrenaline & drama-laced relationships of the kind I referred to in my last two newsletter articles (June 2018 & July 2018), which are - as most people who have engaged in one or more of these know very well - highly dysfunctional anyway.

Let’s look again at what a part of the above quote says:

For an intimate relationship to take place, allow someone into your thoughts. Let them hold and caress your feelings.

Allowing someone into your thoughts – allowing someone to hold and caress your feelings … wouldn’t you agree that this kind of intimacy goes far beyond knowing what each other’s political affiliations are, professional aspirations, financial desires, and so on? And wouldn’t you agree that this kind of intimacy goes far beyond telling each other that you love each other? That you want several children and that you want to eventually live in the country as opposed to the city, or vice versa?

At the risk of simplifying what happens in so many relationships, what I am trying to say is that the apparent intimacy of so many couples rests on sharing bed and home, children and bills, social life and vacations, and all the many conversations about thoughts and feelings that focus on these arenas, but not much more that goes beyond that. Not, I hasten to add, because couples are superficial, or not tremendously intelligent, or thoughtful, or articulate, but because, as said earlier, this is what so many of us were raised on, and that we therefore emulate. The sitcoms we see, the billboards, the magazine articles, our social media, all keep us – unless we seek out more – in a place that does not generally develop an intimate intimacy with intimacy.

We can share our deepest, darkest past with each other, our dreams and aspirations, but even that may still be distant from true intimacy, if it is not interwoven into our daily lives. Intimacy is not something that happens occasionally, but that – if we are truly intimate – is an ever-present part of all our shared hours. Unless this is understand by both sides, a woman may be more deeply intimate with a female friend than with her husband, and a man (although less frequently) likewise with a very close friend.

And that is not healthy for true intimacy.

So. What can be done?

For me, an initial foray into this kind of thinking does requires some intimate awareness of the self and one’s thoughts, feelings, reactions, and actions. Without such awareness, how can you (or I) hope to create true intimacy with another?

Another important aspect to this is the desire and willingness to really go there. Am I interested enough in this other person (especially if that person is my partner or spouse), to want to go to the ‘bother’ of achieving such intimacy? I use the word ‘bother’ deliberately. This isn’t something that just happens. It has to be worked on. This is a delving into the other individual – and into the self – with a profound desire to connect on levels that go far beyond what we usually use to connect to each other, such as the fact that the roof has a leak, the kids need new clothes for school in the fall, one of our cars should be replaced, which movie shall we watch, or what we should do this weekend.

You may be thinking that I still haven’t given you anything specific to do in order to begin creating true intimacy. Here’s how I see it. If you begin a deeper relationship with yourself; one that allows you to connect to your true inner essence, by becoming more present and aware, perhaps by using mindfulness as one of your tools, a tool that will simultaneously lead you to greater self-love and emotional maturity, you will – without a single doubt – automatically crave greater intimacy with your loved ones. In fact, without such intimacy, a relationship will seem like a dry desert, where the intimacy could be equated to life-giving water. And you will attempt to move into that direction simply by focusing more on that inner essence of the other. That may be your child, your sibling, your parent, your friend, or your life partner. Not because you have deeply serious conversations, but because you are conversing about whatever topic is on the table, with the inner essence of the other and not only the outer visible part.

You might also like to read some books that walk you down this road, although they don’t give you cookbook recipes to get there. Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life, as well as his Soulmates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship, are a good place to start. Another good one is Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt, and finally, Zen Therapy: A Buddhist Approach to Psychotherapy by David Brazier. While these books are wildly different, they nevertheless all focus - in some fashion - on intimacy. Some novels, albeit quite old, that connect into this intimacy are The Razor’s Edge by Somerset Maugham, and The Magus by John Fowles (not the film). And while it is slightly harder to pinpoint films that walk this path, The Prince of Tides might be one to start with, as well as Out of Africa, The English Patient, Shadowlands, and The Bridges of Madison County.   

The important part is that you work on becoming intimate with yourself. By so doing, becoming truly intimate with another will begin forming part of your priorities; it will become something that you will actively seek in any important relationship, and you will recognize that without it, a connection to another person merely touches the surface of all that is possible.

***************

VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Fatherless Women & Motherless Men





Now Available
"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15


***************

See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts




Now Available
"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15

**************************************************

See the preview (click below) to my online on-demand video course  

  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"

Click HERE to access the rate of US 15

  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida

En YouTube aquí

*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"

En YouTube aquí

****************************

"Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos"

en YouTube aquí

****************************

"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles 
y con dependencia emocional"

en Youtube aquí

****************************

Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual

en YouTube aquí

*****************************

BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram