Reaching Towards What You (Still) Might Become

Have you ever wondered about the you that might have been if you had studied archaeology instead of law? Or if you had married John instead of Richard, or Melanie instead of Liz? Or how about the you that might have been if you had taken up that rather challenging and even frightening opportunity to lead a team of investors of your firm, but it meant moving to India? Or how about the you that might have been if you had never taken that first step down a road of ever-increasing prevarications or even outright lies? Or how about the you that might have been if you had cared more about how your profession made you feel, rather than about the amount of money it put into your bank account?

Such questions generally come later in life rather than earlier. They come as we look back over the trajectory we’ve traversed, and begin asking ourselves how we stand with regards to what we’ve accomplished and what our intrinsic reaction to all of it is. They may not be questions and thoughts we share with many or even anyone at all. And yet they are there, in our hearts, our minds, our souls. And we may grieve that which we did not do, wishing we had taken other decisions, or, at best, wondering how and who we might be, had we done things differently.

My take on this is very optimistic. I firmly believe that it is never too late to make changes that take you down a road you may now wish you had taken earlier. Whether that road represents what you do, how you think, or what you believe, I am convinced that it is totally in your hands to make these changes, no matter in which part of your life your find yourself. Young, middle-aged, old … it is simply never too late.

Why do I say this? I believe that it is not the specificity of what you left out of your life that is as significant as the essence of what that implied. The essence I am referring to, comprises the parts of you – the crucial parts of you - that would be different, had you followed that other road. Or at least, that would be different as far as you are able to determine in hindsight. And of course that most frequently implies an inner orientation, a way of being that would have been influenced by having lived that other life.

Therefore, if you are able to visualize … even if only tenuously … what might have been; that inner orientation, or way of being that would be different … you are, in my way of seeing it, already halfway there. What this means is that you already have the inner capacity to create that inner change, no matter what your choices have been thus far.

In practice, this means – and again, this is my view – that you are able to bring new life into your life by working on your inner world, because that is often the part of you that fell by the wayside due to decisions made earlier on the subjects that you are now pondering. Working on your inner world can be an immensely satisfying and enriching bit of business. Begin taking up – for example – some of the following practices in order to take you in that incalculably valuable direction:

• The most primordial and life-changing practice you could foment is that of becoming as fully conscious of yourself as you possibly can. The way I generally recommend is to take up mindfulness – a waking meditation that can be practised at any time and at all hours – that is very simple to learn (see Mindfulness: Change Your Life With This 15-Minute Daily Exercise)
• As you become aware of yourself, you will become aware of your thoughts, feelings, reactions, and actions much more rapidly than you may ever have done. This means you will be able to change your self-dialogue about whatever it is that is happening in your mind, heart, and soul … if you practice doing so.
• As you change your self-dialogue, you will begin to see yourself in ways that are different in a far-reaching manner as opposed to the you that you were accustomed to seeing.
• This will lead you to make changes in those near-automatic parts of yourself that you were not paying attention to at another time of your life, in order to become someone you might like to have as a friend
•  All of this leads to self-love, a crucially necessary ingredient to leading a good life.
• That again leads to creating healthier boundaries.
• It also leads to self-regulation management in ways with which you may not be familiar.
• That in turn leads to inner peace and harmony. 
• And that in turn leads to loving kindness and compassion.

This is not a fairy tale, nor the unrealistic dream of an overt idealist. This is possible for all of us to achieve. It does require commitment and practice. It’s a gradual process that responds – just as a plant does – to careful tending and gentle nourishing. It also requires a desire to go there, and a realization that it is this kind of work on yourself that could lead you to that evanescent you that you might (still) become.

Also see If You Find Peace Inside, the World Will Automatically Move Closer to Peace

***************

VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the title below) to my online video course:

Now Available

"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15


***************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course:

Now Available

"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15

**************************************************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course  

  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"

Click HERE to access the rate of US 15

  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida

En YouTube aquí

*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"

En YouTube aquí

****************************

"Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos"

en YouTube aquí

****************************

"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles 
y con dependencia emocional"

en Youtube aquí

****************************

Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual

en YouTube aquí

****************************

Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?

en YouTube aqui

*****************************

BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Running Away From Life … Or Not

It’s the beginning of yet another day in your life, and it’s once again  - as happens every day - an opportunity to make some symbolic new beginnings. Starting some things in a new way as this day moves forward, is a decision only you can make, but it is also a decision that can have a major impact on your life and well-being. Imagine you have found yourself drinking or smoking too much. Or consider that you have realized that the people you surround yourself with are not necessarily the kind that enrich your inner life. Or that you eat far too much and far too poorly, and never or rarely exercise.

In all of these instances, you would instantly know how you could make improvements. What I’d like to tackle in today’s post, is another kind of factor that has a major impact on your life – on a more internal level – and yet, that internal level, impacts so much else (such as the above) on external levels.

Running away from life is what I call a lack of engagement with – and interest in - your inner self. It is generally based on fear of what you may find, as well as having its deepest roots in a lack of self love, because it is self-love that encourages you – even pushes you - towards that inner voyage.

You might think that running away from life has more to do with social shyness or timidity in going out and getting something you want. Certainly, that is also part of it, but my opinion is that this latter running away is based more on what is not working in the former description of running away – that lack of engagement with your inner self. And yes, there are many, many people who are fully engaged in an outer life, and not at all in an inner life, but frequently in such cases the outer is used as a kind of bullet-proof vest to protect them from the inner quest – especially the fears it provokes when they think about it. Remember, engaging with the self means truly getting to know the self, along with all its nastiness, messiness, and just plain dysfunctionality, to mention only a few. But it also means coming to know your inner richness, and greatness, your inner potential, and all that you could become, if only you take yourself down that road.

You might consider the little voice you sometimes – perhaps even often – hear that tells you that there is something more to life than how you are currently experiencing it. Some listen to the voice and begin to take some steps – even if they are baby steps, but many ignore it due to the perennial fear that sets in when they contemplate looking at the self. They become so adept at ignoring the little voice, that at some point in their lives, they truly no longer hear it. Or they misunderstand its meaning, and reach for some food, a cigarette, or a beer. Perhaps a calamitous event brings the voice back, chaos and destruction of some kind in their lives, the loss of an important relationship, illness, death of a loved one, loss of a job, security, or prestige, but not even that always works. It can be a wake-up call for some – even an epiphany – but often it is simply looked at as bad luck, fate, or something else that allows the person to continue avoiding the look inside.

So what can you do – whether or not you are conscious of hearing the little voice – in order to promote a greater engagement with your life on all those levels?

In some senses, I know that what follows will make many of you think I’m beginning to sound like a broken record, and yet, it is precisely the precepts I repeat over and over again (based on millennial truths and wisdom) that are truly part of what can move you towards this path. As I wrote in my first book Rewiring the Soul, in marketing it is said that an individual must see a given product an average of nine times before he/she is prompted to purchase it. In psychology, it is a similar thing. You may need to hear of a concept, or read about it for a good number of times, before it sinks in, in order to actually be able to make it your own. Therefore, here, in no particular order, are some of the most crucial things you can do in order to move closer to your life – your inner and outer life – as opposed to running away from it:

• Use a method that works for you to become conscious and aware all the waking hours of your day. Mindfulness is an excellent tool.
• As you become more aware, use everything that crosses your path to grow. Here are two simple examples:

* You’re impatient with that co-worker? Learn to become more patient (which doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to step up to the plate in his task).

* You’re jealous of your partner? Learn to understand that your jealousy stems from a lack of self-confidence and self-security, which is related to a lack of self-love. Also learn, that should your partner deliberately engage in behaviour that creates jealousy in you, while YOU are responsible for your own feeling, it is perhaps necessary to ask yourself why you are with such a partner, and this may be related to poor boundaries.

• As you become more aware, learn to use self-dialogue to gradually be in charge of knee-jerk reactions. This is part of the path to emotional maturity
• As you become more aware, learn to use self-dialogue to self-regulate your thoughts, emotions, actions, and reactions. This too is part of the path to emotional maturity.
• Understand that being aware means observing yourself at all times. At the beginning this may seem to be analysis paralysis, but you will find that very quickly it moves into the background, and becomes automatic in your day. The more you observe yourself, the more you employ self-dialogue to talk to yourself about whatever it is that is happening and the manner in which you are reacting to it, the more you will have yourself in hand in such a way that your inner well-being grows exponentially.

And that is the crux of the matter when you engage fully in your life and self, without running away from any of it: your inner well-being, and your Inner peace and harmony. These are meant to be present at every moment of every day, no matter what the outer circumstances. You may believe this to be an impossible quest, but I promise you, not only is it possible, but it is possible very quickly, if you apply yourself to the matter.

***************

VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the title below) to my online video course:

Now Available

"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15


***************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course:

Now Available

"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15

**************************************************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course  

  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"

Click HERE to access the rate of US 15

  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida

En YouTube aquí

*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"

En YouTube aquí

****************************

"Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos"

en YouTube aquí

****************************

"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles 
y con dependencia emocional"

en Youtube aquí

****************************

Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual

en YouTube aquí

****************************

Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?

en YouTube aqui

*****************************

BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

So Why Exactly are You Still in That Relationship?

It all started so brilliantly. You were so very much in love. Your partner was just what you had been looking for, for so very long, and you felt so fortunate to have found him/her. You realized just how incredible he/she was, especially – so you told yourself – once he/she got out of his own way to see his/her own magnificence. And you knew; you absolutely knew, that you would give him/her so much love that he/she would eventually also recognize it.

Another brilliant start to a love relationship is when you realize – in that state of incipient love – that life has become so incredibly wonderful since he/she entered your life. You can feel how much better everything – simply everything – is, since the two of you became a couple. When you are with him/her you just exist on another level, than when you are apart. And that of course – or so you believe – proves that this is truly love.

Somewhere along the line, in either of the above scenarios – and multiple others – you become disillusioned, perhaps resentful, perhaps afraid, sad, angry, and you experience a rollercoaster of many other emotions. Somehow, things are not where you thought they would be.

All of the above is not tremendously unusual, and yet many couples stay together for years, even decades, sometimes even longer than half a century, long after the children have fled the nest (which is frequently the apparent cause for remaining together), and so of course the question has to be posed: why exactly are you still in that relationship?

Pay close attention to the next bit: what are you telling yourself about all of this? In other words, what is your self-dialogue when you are faced with the fact that the relationship is truly not what you thought it would be? Because it is in the depth of this (generally not terribly conscious) self-dialogue of yours that you can begin to see what keeps you there. Here are some examples:

• If only he/she could see himself/herself the way I do, then he/she would be that incredible person I just know he/she could be. This is a movie that you have played over and over in your mind. The movie never shows reality as it actually is – it only shows where you take your wishful thoughts, sometimes decades after your ‘script’ still has not shown any proof of it taking place
• How can I possibly live without him/her? This script, while not quite a movie, is nevertheless something that you keep telling yourself due to your need for the person that you feel you are unable to leave. What you can’t – yet – conceive is that life could actually be much better and filled with much greater well-being, if this person were indeed out of your life.
• The main reason he/she behaves this way with me is because I haven’t yet been able to show him/her how great my love is, or how wonderful life could be if he/she could see him/herself through my eyes. In this script you are blind to your completely unhealthy boundaries and are allowing him/her to treat you in totally unacceptable ways, and convincing yourself of the fact that this is all OK, because it is on YOU. I.e., in your mind, it is your responsibility that he/she behaves this way.
• All he/she has to do is to make those few little changes, and then everything would be perfect. In this script you are ‘blaming’ the other for the lack of success of the relationship, and in the blaming, are removing any and all vestiges of responsibility on your part for not either changing the parts of you that need changing, or in simply saying ‘that’s enough!’ and leaving. Understand me correctly … what you blame the other for might be valid, but it’s not about that, but rather, about the fact that by looking at his/her faults, you get to absolve yourself of responsibility about your own. This is a dangerous script, because you become complacent in your ‘knowledge’ of the other’s faults, and so you do nothing … other than think about or remark on the faults.

People contact me from all over the globe about numerous issues, but precisely this one occurs more frequently than most. People are in pain. People can’t believe how it is that they can be treated in this or that fashion, and want solace, but evidently if I am going to help someone, it’s not so much by offering solace, although that is also part of the equation, as it is about holding the mirror up to their face, and asking them to look inside. Not because anything is necessarily their fault, but it is only by changing the self, that the outer circumstance will truly also change.

How is this done? Once again, for those of you who have been reading these articles every month since 2006: you need to become conscious. By being conscious of your thoughts and feelings as they occur, you can begin to change what you are telling yourself – that self-dialogue I mentioned before. And as you change the inner chatter, you begin to see yourself and life, not to mention your partner and your circumstances, in different ways. And you will begin to find an inner freedom you may not have ever felt before.

Also read:

• A Portrait of a Healthy Relationship
• The Nature of True Intimacy
• Yearning For Love
• How Your Degree of Emotional Maturity Influences Your Partner Choices

***************

VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Fatherless Women & Motherless Men





Now Available
"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15


***************

See the preview (click the image) to my online video course:
Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts




Now Available
"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"

Click HERE for the rate of US 15

**************************************************

See the preview (click below) to my online on-demand video course  

  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"

Click HERE to access the rate of US 15

  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida

En YouTube aquí

*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"

En YouTube aquí

****************************

"Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos"

en YouTube aquí

****************************

"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles 
y con dependencia emocional"

en Youtube aquí

****************************

Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual

en YouTube aquí

****************************

Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?

en YouTube aqui

*****************************

BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram