Why Love Isn’t Always Love

Almost everyone knows the marvel of falling in love. Similarly, most of us have experienced the pain of love ending. What many of us don’t know is why love is not always love, even when the emotions of falling in love, or the pain of losing love are clearly very strong.

Let’s examine some of the ways in which we fall in love:

• The chemistry between you and other person is so unusually strong that you (or both of you) believe it means you are in love
• The adrenaline and excitement that surges when you are with the other is so strong that you are convinced it means you are in love
• The need you feel for the other person is so strong that you believe it is a clear indication that this is love … else why would you feel such need?
• The desire you feel to spend all your free time with the other, and not with friends and family, signifies – or so you believe – that this is love
• The fact that you are unable to stop thinking about the other most of your waking hours, is a strong indication – or so you believe - that this is love
• The near instant connection … almost on a soul level … that you feel with the other person very soon after meeting is so strong that you believe it signifies that this is love
• The fact that the love the other shows you, and that you see reflected in their eyes, makes you feel so good, that you are convinced this is love, especially because you don’t feel that way when you are not together.
• The fact that you are able to clearly see the qualities of your new partner – that he/she is not yet capable of seeing – qualities that you are convinced will surface, once your partner has realized how much you love him/her, and this love outpouring from you is so strong, that he/she will be able to change in order to allow said qualities to surface … makes you believe that this is true love

Now let’s examine how we might define an ideal state of love:

• Ideally, loving another means you don’t love the other because you need him/her, because you have already learned to fulfill your own needs
• Ideally, loving another means you are able to complement each other, not need each other, because you both bring full and rich lives to the table at the beginning of the relationship
• Ideally, loving another means you love within the parameters of a rich and full life that you had before you met the other, and that you continue to nurture, despite the relationship with the one you love
• Ideally, loving another means you love yourself first – not in a selfish way – but in the way you would take care of yourself first on board an aircraft should the air pressure drop, and thus you put your own oxygen mask on first in order to be able to be there for others. Clearly, this is not egotism, but an understanding that if you are taking good care of yourself, you are capable of offering so much to others
• Similarly, loving yourself first, means a trespassing of boundaries is not tolerated
• Ideally, loving another means you have learned how to love yourself, and thus do not need the other’s love to make you feel good about yourself. Rather, you give each other love freely, and revel in it, but feel good about yourself either way.

You will have seen the differences between the examples of ways in which we fall in love and the comments about an ideal state of love. Of course we fall in love in other ways as well, but the examples I have cited, rarely, if ever, give the end result we might hope for. In those situations, eventually what you thought was love often devolves into something dysfunctional and even toxic. There are a number of reasons for this. When we fall in love (or believe we are in love) due to needs that we believe the other will fulfill, a red flag is unfurling about what we have not yet learned how to do ourselves. This will create issues very quickly, when – for whatever reasons - the other balks at filling your needs. When we fall in love due to a strong desire to spend all our time with the other, another red flag unfurls regarding such a desire, such an obsession. A life that we have not filled with meaning, purpose, and content, and that we wish to fill with meaning and content through another, telling ourselves this means it is love, will surely cause the other to feel suffocated in short shrift, and sooner or later causes them to leave us to our own devices. The profound void caused by this abandonment by the beloved – fueled by your own lack of having learned to give your life meaning and purpose – is one of the most painful situations to be experienced in this kind of love. Another case in point is falling in love and having a vision of the other through rose-colored glasses. Such a vision typically has little to do with reality, and much more to do with our own as yet undeveloped inner qualities. Thus yet another red flag makes its appearance and shows us – if we have eyes to see it – that rather than yearning for said qualities in the other, we need to develop them ourselves.

So – what can be done? First, recognize the differences between real love – ideal love – and the love you think you feel due to some kind of need of lack of self-fulfilment. Second, and this is the more important part of the solution – begin to work on yourself. Begin to grow into that person that could attract the more ideal kind of love into your life. Begin to evolve, and grow into what we could call an emotionally mature person. This involves learning how to love the self and becoming conscious and aware at all times.

Also see:

• How Your Degree of Emotional Maturity Influences Your Partner Choices
• A Portrait of A Healthy Relationship
• The Nature of True Intimacy

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VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the title below) to my online video course:

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"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

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***************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course:

Now Available

"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"

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**************************************************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course  

  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"

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  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida

En YouTube aquí

*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"

En YouTube aquí

****************************

"Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos"

en YouTube aquí

****************************

"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles 
y con dependencia emocional"

en Youtube aquí

****************************

Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual

en YouTube aquí

****************************

Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?

en YouTube aqui

*****************************

BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

The Consequences of Not Loving the Self

** Note: this is a brief excerpt from Chapter 6 of my book “The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self”

It's a general rule that no one becomes aware of the consequences of not loving the self until he is well down the road of not doing so. When realization dawns, or in a session with a therapist, it becomes obvious that poor self-image, lack of good care for the self, and spending most of one's waking moments in a fog of blindness, or lack of awareness, form part of it. Further, having unhealthy needs that substitute so much, yet that another individual, more psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually fit, would have long begun fulfilling for him or herself, as opposed to succumbing to substances, gambling and so much else, also form part of those consequences of not loving the self. Finally, serving a master called you should are all merely indications of the heavy price that is paid for not loving the self. It can always be undone, but as with most habits and ways of living one's life, the more deeply ingrained these habits and beliefs are, the more diligently one has to work in order to eliminate them.

Poor Self-Image

We don't love the self because we have a poor self-image, but conversely, we have a poor self-image because we don't love the self. Where does the poor self-image come from, bearing in mind that most of those who suffer from it, acquired this self-image that leaves so very much to be desired, long before they may have ever heard of the concept of loving the self?

One obvious place to start is by recognizing that we compare ourselves to others. When we're in the sandbox we notice that Johnny has a bigger bulldozer. Later, we notice that Mike learned how to spell very quickly and that Jennifer always seems to know the answers to the questions the teacher asks. The fact that I can draw animals to perfection seems to pale in the light of all these other amazing, coveted, and admired intellectual achievements of my fellow first and second-graders. As we fast forward to another point in the development of our growing poor self-image, we find that Rachel's parents have a maid and spend their winter vacation in the Bahamas, while in our family we take a sled out to the hills surrounding town and consider ourselves fortunate to be able to slide down in that brilliant and packed snow. We don't pay so much attention to the fact (or perhaps we're less aware of it) that Rachel's mother drinks too much, but by now our poor self-image extends outwards to our parents, who in some fashion don't seem to measure up. Lest you accuse me of making everyone a snob or an aspiring snob, let me remind you that these are the continual messages we receive via mass media, social media, billboards, television shows, and just about everywhere you turn. We receive them when we're toddlers and we start watching cartoons on TV, and we continue to receive them as we sit in an old people's home in a wheelchair. Our society has made the message ubiquitous and until someone (you and I) sits up and takes notice and does something to change it (global, monumental and all-encompassing, or small and grass-roots: any kind of change will do, as long as it grows), nothing will change: nothing at all. So the insidiousness of this message of comparison - where I generally come out losing, because I'll always be comparing what I am or what I have, to what I don't yet have or have not yet achieved, or perhaps will never have and will never achieve, because now it is too late - the insidiousness of this message leads to many negative outcomes, only one of which is poor self-image.

And just to reiterate: a poor self-image has such fertile soil upon which it is able to flourish because as long as we are led to believe - and continue to believe - that what gives us high self esteem must come from the outside, from external sources, we will never understand the colossal rift between such a belief and the fact that true self esteem must be born, in fact, from the inside. It must come from the individual who gestates it within, and cannot be gained - can never be gained in any real and lasting way - from outside sources, because self-esteem gained in that fashion will never be true and will never have the ability to reliably endure.

Poor Care

Think about how you treat some of your possessions. How about that Jaguar in your garage? How are you treating it? Oh, you don't have one? Well then, how about your Rolex? I bet you take good care of that. Don't have that either? The Armani suit? The Gucci bag? The Ferragamo gown? The Vuitton briefcase?

Whether you own any of these items or not, I imagine that if you did, you would take very good care of them - treat them well, in other words. So if you take such good care of your special possessions, why don't you take the same kind of good care of yourself? 

We place great value on some of the objects that populate our lives, even if they are not as costly as the ones indicated. Perhaps you are a book lover, and cherish each of those volumes in your library. Perhaps you play the piano and the one standing in your living room is lovingly tuned on a regular basis. Perhaps you play golf and you clean and polish those irons each time you play 18 holes. You get my point. What is it about us that we do not tend to cherish ourselves?

One thing is how we do or do not love ourselves, but quite another thing is how we treat ourselves. This involves the care we give our bodies (quality of food, air, exercise, relaxation, and rest, quality of the company we keep, and what we feed ourselves with our eyes, our brain; i.e., what do we watch, what do we read, what sort of conversations do we have), as well as the care we take in speaking to ourselves. Call this 'how we nurture' ourselves.

Imagine you are out on the golf course and came in way over par. What words do you sling into yourself, as you berate yourself for the idiot you were for not being able to play better? Would you speak like that to your young son or daughter whom you are teaching how to play? Would you not - instead - encourage him or her to try again, saying that next time they have a good chance of doing it a whole lot better? Would you not speak words of positive and proactive support, in order to ensure that they would indeed try those shots again on the most constructive and helpful note possible?

Imagine you have just tried a new recipe and somehow it did not result in quite the mouth-watering gourmet dish you expected. Are you angry at your lack of culinary expertise? Do you insult yourself for being less than perfect? Or do you have an internal conversation that encourages you to try it in another way, or to consult with someone who has greater knowledge than you about the subject, recognizing that this is the way one learns, by trial and error and by asking questions of the experts.

What are your mistakes and failures, but attempts at doing something that has not yet quite become a successful part of your repertoire?  How did you learn how to drive? Were you perfect from the start? 

How, for that matter, did you learn how to walk? I love using this example with my clients. We've all learned how to walk, even though we may not remember it, and many of us either have children that we have observed learning how to walk, or we know children of other people that we have observed in that same process. What happens? Doesn't the burgeoning walker get up from a crawling position by holding on to furniture or the legs, skirt, or trousers of a conveniently placed adult and take a few steps? Doesn't that child then totter forwards, with a big grin on its face in view of this new world he is discovering? And doesn't he then almost always fall? What happens then? Does he make faces at himself, and shake his fist, and shout (assuming he was not hurt in the fall)? No. The child simply lifts himself up again, and tries again, supremely convinced that this time it will work. And if it still does not, the scene is repeated. And repeated and repeated again. Not once does the child think I'm so bad at this, I guess I had just better leave it, because I will never succeed. I am such a failure. And what does the adult that is observing the child do? The moment the child falls, he shouts at him, telling him how stupid he is for not knowing how to walk yet. How on earth could he not have done it perfectly the first time? Don't you see what an idiot you are, he continues to berate the child? Of course not. The loving or caring adult opens his arms to the child, encouraging him to get back up on his feet, claps, even if he fell, simply for having tried, and encourages him to try it again, showing him how much he, the adult, believes in the capacity of the child to master this process, and how much he loves the child.

This is love. This is constructive encouragement. This is bringing out the best in another. And this is how we must treat and care for our most valuable asset - ourselves. Caring for the self in loving ways is simply a corollary of loving the self. Encouraging the self, believing in the self, approving of the self - even in cases of numerous bungled attempts - and also admiring the self for all of these attempts, all forms part and parcel of loving the self.

Being Lost in the Fog of Blindness

Being blind has much to do with not living on a conscious and aware level. Achieving a state of such awareness has very little to do with intelligence and demographics, and much more to do with having had the good fortune to either hear someone speak about the importance of self-reflection and awareness, or to read about it, and then to internalize the concepts, and to then practice over and over again, until awareness becomes automatic and second nature, so that not being aware is noticed immediately simply because it tends to rob one of much of your inner well-being. In many instances individuals come to such a state of awareness after much pain and distress in their lives, after having hit, so to speak, rock bottom in some way, whether through abuse, loss, illness, abandonment, grief, depression, and a myriad number of other ills to which we - the human race - are susceptible. In those instances, such people pull themselves out of the quagmire, and one of the results is often a high degree of awareness about themselves and the human condition.

To continue reading this chapter, please refer to my book The Power of the Heart: Loving the Self, available in print or Kindle format on global Amazon sites, as well with as other reputable online booksellers

             

***************

VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the title below) to my online video course:

Now Available

"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

Click HERE


***************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course:

Now Available

"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"

Click HERE

**************************************************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course  

  NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"

Click HERE

  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida

En YouTube aquí

*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"

En YouTube aquí

****************************

"Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos"

en YouTube aquí

****************************

"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles 
y con dependencia emocional"

en Youtube aquí

****************************

Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual

en YouTube aquí

****************************

Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?

en YouTube aqui

*****************************

BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

The Adrenaline Rush of Relationship Drama

There never seems to be a short supply of articles telling us about toxic relationships, trauma bonding, or just plain dysfunctional behaviour in our interaction with others. Why are we hooked and beguiled into these situations with such seeming ease and why do they appear to occur with such frequency in most demographics? The young, the old, the rich, the poor, the educated, and the less educated, business people, spiritual people, homemakers, and shift workers – individuals from all of these groups and more and from most global societies may fall into the sticky mire of the adrenaline rush of relationship drama. Clearly, what defines any one particular group does not necessarily ‘save’ you from stepping into that muddy psycho-emotional bog.

So what is it that takes us there? What keeps us there? Why do we go back for more?

Carl Gustav Jung referred to the infinite wisdom of the psyche that causes us to be attracted to those people who – once the initial honeymoon period is over, are precisely the people through whom we could learn, evolve, and transform ourselves. Why? Because the people we are attracted to in that fashion carry something within their psyche that resonates with something in our own, and that connects with as yet unresolved aspects of ourselves – as well as similar aspects in them. Therefore, when that initial honeymoon period is over and when some degree of frustration, strife, and more begins to emerge in the relationship, we have the opportunity – if we stick to the relationship for the time being – to resolve that as yet unresolved issue through our interaction with the other.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? The first problem, however, is that the majority of us don’t have the benefit of the information just presented in the last paragraph. Without that information, we will, in most likelihood, give the relationship a shot, but if things go from bad to worse, we throw in the towel and therefore neglect to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity that a relationship presents to our potential evolution. As so often, knowledge is power but without that knowledge we may simply give up and eventually find ourselves in another, fairly similar relationship. The second issue is that we are most certainly - generally - not self-aware enough, that even if we did have the benefit of this information, to be able to carry on in such a fraught relationship. In other words, our knee-jerk reactions to moments of having our buttons pushed would make things even worse, because we would be incapable of standing back and observing what was happening, and even asking ourselves could this possibly have anything to do with me? Not from a blaming ourselves point of view, but rather, from the point of view of what can I learn about myself here, so that this type of thing no longer has the power to bother me?

There are specific relationship issues that create adrenaline in one or both partners. There is emotional drama, sexual drama, psychological drama – and it is this drama that creates the adrenaline in one or both. It is also this drama that is – even when the relationship is rife with difficult problems – that causes one or both parties to continue seeking the other out, despite having – perhaps more than once – already called an end to things.

So the question that this article is attempting to clarify is why is a person attracted to the adrenaline rush of relationship drama? Part of the answer lies in the infinite wisdom of the psyche to which Jung referred. Something in the self recognizes on subliminal levels that this relationship that may appear to be quite dysfunctional contains the seed to the resolution of an issue that remains unsolved in the psyche. And although you may not be aware of this at all, you feel compelled to seek out that person again. And again. And yet again.

Clearly, at this point I can hear some of my readers insisting that such a person needs to be told to stay away from the ‘nefarious’ partner once and for all, for his or her own sake. And of course I fully agree – except for one thing. If you stay away by forcing yourself to, and still feeling the rush that pulls you to the other person, you may not succeed in the long run. Or – you may be at the beginning of a perpetuation of this particular relationship pattern with other partners. If, however, you go back once or twice, and work on becoming more aware each time you do so with respect to the fact that you are attracted to that adrenaline rush for a reason that goes beyond chemistry or emotions - which is probably connected to your childhood - then you are at the potential beginning of the resolution of the issue and will soon be able to walk away from the drama without having to force yourself to do so.

Imagine, for example, that your childhood issue has to do with poor boundaries. You somehow learned to allow others to step all over you in order to maintain peace. Therefore, when faced with a partner who trespasses your boundaries, you may feel this adrenaline rush and drama even before any boundaries have been crossed because of this ‘infinite wisdom of the psyche’ referred to earlier. The psyche picks up on the fact that this particular person will expose you to situations that may help you resolve your issue through your interaction with this specific partner. Then, when the boundaries start getting crossed, you try to avoid thinking about them, because all you are noticing is the adrenaline rush amid the drama. Eventually you may leave. And then return, and the cycle begins anew.

At this point it is crucial to have some knowledge at hand. Knowledge about what all of this means. And how it ties in to your own issues. And what you can do about it by being more and more aware. By observing – not only the other, but also yourself interacting with the other, as well as your body reacting to the other’s dysfunctional behaviour (do you notice a tightening in your solar plexus, for example, when your boundaries are being crossed?), in your gut, your heart, and your mind. In this observation of all of these factors, you notice yourself saying or thinking: this is not how I wish to be treated. Or: this isn’t the kind of relationship I want.

In this fashion, you slowly bring yourself to the point where you are capable of walking away because you have put the care of yourself on a higher pedestal than the adrenaline rush that attracts you to the mirage of a relationship that doesn’t really exist the way your mind has imagined it, and never truly was the way you had believed it to be. By growing in awareness like this, you realize that this kind of adrenaline rush that is based on drama that ties in to previously unresolved issues on your part, simply no longer attracts you. And now, that infinite wisdom of the psyche I’ve referred to so often in this piece, alerts you as you meet new people in your life, to those who still dwell on that level. And so you walk away.

***************

VIDEO COURSES IN ENGLISH


See the preview (click the title below) to my online video course:

Now Available

"Fatherless Women & Motherless Men"

***************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course:

"Freedom From the Torture of Your Thoughts"


**************************************************

See the preview (click on the title below) to my online video course  

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"

  *****************************

CHARLAS EN ESPAÑOL EN YOUTUBE


Vampiros energéticos: Su efecto destructivo en tu vida

En YouTube aquí

*******************************
"Límites malsanos y autoestima: Tu felicidad y el amor hacia ti mismo"

En YouTube aquí

****************************

"Basta con la tortura de tus pensamientos"

en YouTube aquí

****************************

"Soluciones para personas emocionalmente inaccesibles 
y con dependencia emocional"

en Youtube aquí

****************************

Narcisismo y Psicopatía: Vivir sin Empatía

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Relación espiritual y sexo en pareja

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Elige hábitos para llevar una vida de bienestar

en YouTube aquí

****************************
Morir: Un enfoque espiritual

en YouTube aquí

****************************

Amor sano o disfuncional: ¿Cuál es la diferencia?

en YouTube aqui

*****************************

BOOKS - LIBROS - BÜCHER

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions

Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 

DEINE SEELE UND DU

  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle

Note: Also see my other other blog The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram