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Friday, March 24, 2017

Are You Bored If You’re Not in a Relationship?


This business about being bored if you’re not in a relationship is really important because on the one hand it means you’ll get into a new relationship very quickly (perhaps too quickly) for all the wrong reasons, or, at least, for a lot of the wrong reasons. On the other hand, it tells us a lot about what is really going on inside of you.

Before we take a look at these points, let’s first examine what a relationship so very often appears to be all about:
  • Because we are in love, we feel good
  • Because we feel good, we need
Or
  • Because we need, we feel good
  • Because we feel good, we are in love
Would you agree that this is what often happens?

Would you also agree that this tells us that the relationship is perhaps not so much about the other person, or even better - about the two of us - as about me? I need, I feel good, hence I am in love.

While this may be an over-simplification, it is, nevertheless, what hundreds of clients have effectively told me has happened in their lives. Of course, you may have convinced yourself of other reasons at the beginning:
  • I love this person because he/she is fun to be with
  • I love this person because he/she is exciting
  • I love this person because he/she is romantic
  • I love this person because he/she is so intelligent
  • I love this person because I’ve never felt so safe
  • I love this person because I’ve never felt so loved
  • I love this person because we like the same things
  • I love this person because he/she admires me so much
  • I love this person because he/she needs me so much
You get the point. Whatever we tell ourselves – assuming the reasons fall within the parameters of what I’ve outlined above – the common denominator is that it’s always about me.

And a portion of this whole relationship being about me is that it keeps me busy. Occupied. Having fun. Busy thinking about the other person. Even if the thinking is ruminative about why things – right now – are not so good in the relationship. And hence, distracted from – perhaps – other things I should be looking at that concern me. My psyche, my emotions, my inner world, the state of my inner well-being independent of the other person.

So now we come to the point of the title of this article: Are you bored if you’re not in a relationship?
Here’s what often happens. The relationship ends. For whatever reason. Your life has lost excitement. Drama. Entertainment. Doing things together. Feeling part of a couple. Looking forward to evenings, to weekends, to vacation times. Even the part where you’re ruminating about why things aren’t as perfect as you might like. But at least while you ruminate, you still are in a relationship.

So how do you replace that empty feeling? That feeling of being alone? That feeling of no longer really enjoying your life? That feeling of having lost an important part of yourself? That feeling of being less than you were before?

You see, all those feelings and many other, similar ones,  point to the fact that there is, indeed, something missing inside of you, and that you are trying to fill up this missing part with the person with whom you are in a relationship. And that is not – I am afraid – a very good reason to be in a relationship. You see, when you fill up your own missing bits via another, if and when the other fails you, deserts you, gives up on you, dies, etc., you are once again left alone with your missing bits, and will once again need to rely on another to fill them for you.

For example, if you mainly feel safe when you are in relationship with a certain kind of man or woman, and you seek out that kind of safety, when will you ever learn to provide safety for yourself? Or if you mainly feel that life is fun when you are with a certain kind of person and you seek out such a person, when will you ever learn to provide fun for yourself? Or if you mainly feel that life is so much more worthwhile if you are with a certain kind of person, when will you ever learn to provide worth to your own life by yourself? Or if you mainly feel that you only really feel good about yourself when you are with a certain kind of person and you seek out such a person, when will you ever learn to make yourself feel good about yourself on your own???

Clearly, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have people in your life who make you feel safe, or who bring fun and laughter into your life, or give you reasons that let you feel your life is more worthwhile, or who make you feel good about yourself. But it does mean in most uncertain terms that if you are unable to provide those things for yourself first, you will always have to rely on another to do it for you. And therefore you will most likely wind up loving someone for the wrong reasons – although at the beginning you are convinced that they are the right ones. And those wrong reasons will also likely bring about the demise of the relationship.

So. Now what? Assuming you take what I’ve written here as the truth – or at least the highly probably truth, what can you now do?

First and foremost take on board all I’ve said about looking for others to fill your missing bits … such as, for example, learning how to feel good thanks to you, and not thanks to whoever is in your life. In other words, if you first take charge of your state of well-being, then no matter who is or is not in your life, your state of well-being does not depend on them, but on you. That is the process.
Secondly, take a good look at exactly what those missing bits are. Where do you need to replenish yourself? What parts of yourself do you need to grow and/or heal in order that you are able to live a life independent of the need to have others who fill the missing bits of yourself? Become responsible for all of this by realizing that the more you take charge of your life, your inner peace and well-being, the more you will be able to live a life of freedom. Freedom does not mean not having other people in your life, that you love and cherish. It just means not needing them for all those things that you should be supplying for yourself.

And a final remark regarding those missing bits: what are your inner resources? In other words, what do you have inside of yourself that helps you take good care of yourself when you need it? Are you aware of how to take good care of your thoughts and feelings? Said another way, have you begun the process of loving yourself? Are you fully responsible for all you think, feel, say, and do, and how you react to whatever it is that life throws at you? Are you aware enough of yourself at all times so that you are able to change your self-dialogue when it needs changing, so that you can, indeed, take good care of yourself? Do you practice mindfulness? These are all inner resources that can be your staunchest allies; your greatest friends in times of need. And when you do have these inner resources, I guarantee you that you will no longer get into relationships simply in order to fulfill your needs, because you will be well on the road to fulfilling them yourself.

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See the preview to my new online course, available shortly
"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin" 

CHECK THIS SPACE FOR UPDATES

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions


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DEINE SEELE UND DU
  

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Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

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