WELCOME TO THIS BLOG


"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Boundaries & the Unacceptable: Is It Always Possible to Say No?


In these posts and my monthly newsletter articles, I've written a lot about the importance of developing healthy boundaries, and about the fact that implicit in this growth is that this is one of the ways we learn to love ourselves.

So when someone behaves in ways that are unacceptable to you, or speaks to you with words or in tones that are unacceptable to you, it's very important not only to make that known - that their behavior, words, or tone (or all three) - are unacceptable, but that there will be a consequence.

If a four-year-old is practicing picking up his toys before bath time, and his mother is showing him how to do this, it makes sense that after some time of practicing, she then tells him that from now on, picking up the toys will be his job when he gets called to have his bath. Suppose the mother asks if he agrees to do this, and suppose the little child says yes. At this point, it would be very important for the mother to explain that because it is his job, if he doesn't do it, or refuses, or dawdles too much, that there will be a consequence. NOT, I hasten to add, a punishment. You agree to adhere to this way of behaving, and if you don't, then this is what will happen. In the child's case it might be not being allowed to watch Sesame Street that evening, or whatever it is that kids are watching nowadays. Something short. Something that will neither break him, nor the parents, but nevertheless something that is important to him. In our adult lives, the consequence might be a €300 fine for speeding in our new sports car on the expressway.

So in our adult relationships consequences have to also be spelled out with courtesy, kindness, and patience. Without them, boundaries mean nothing. And of course this applies even if you are only coming to the "table" regarding the subject of boundaries after years of having put up with unacceptable behavior. So then you apply some measure of the above, will hopefully get through to the other person, or, if not, you may need to make another kind of decision.

But what happens when you are caught up in the depths of Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole with your partner (or whoever it is with whom you are having a boundaries issue)? Let's say that there seems to be no clear reality-based foundation upon which you can share your differing points of view. Let's say your partner says the earth is flat and you, of course, know it is not (no, I am not talking about the man in the White House). Or let's say your partner says that yesterday you said it never rains, where it clearly shows in the texted conversation you both had that you said it always rains in the spring. But it's not acknowledged as such, and therefore you:
  • arrive at an impasse
  • engage in a tremendous argument
  • recommend your partner makes an appointment with a psychiatrist
  • break off relations
  • or you pretend all is well, and for the sake of peace things carry on as they were in a flat world where it never rains
Do you see my point? Insisting on maintaining boundaries in situations of this nature may imply impossible options, assuming you have been trying to resolve this for some time. 

I don't pretend to have any answers. All I can say is that I also continue to search.

But remember this: if you are caught up in one of these situations that can be heart-rendingly heart-breaking, remember to work on maintaining your inner peace, remember to hold compassion and loving kindness high in your heart, and above all, remember to love yourself. Remember as well: this may be the path you need to walk in order to allow that lotus that you are (we all are) to emerge further from the mud ...

***************

See the preview (click here) to my new online on-demand video course

NOW available

"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin"


 *****************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions


Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 
DEINE SEELE UND DU
  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle



Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Friday, March 24, 2017

Are You Bored If You’re Not in a Relationship?


This business about being bored if you’re not in a relationship is really important because on the one hand it means you’ll get into a new relationship very quickly (perhaps too quickly) for all the wrong reasons, or, at least, for a lot of the wrong reasons. On the other hand, it tells us a lot about what is really going on inside of you.

Before we take a look at these points, let’s first examine what a relationship so very often appears to be all about:
  • Because we are in love, we feel good
  • Because we feel good, we need
Or
  • Because we need, we feel good
  • Because we feel good, we are in love
Would you agree that this is what often happens?

Would you also agree that this tells us that the relationship is perhaps not so much about the other person, or even better - about the two of us - as about me? I need, I feel good, hence I am in love.

While this may be an over-simplification, it is, nevertheless, what hundreds of clients have effectively told me has happened in their lives. Of course, you may have convinced yourself of other reasons at the beginning:
  • I love this person because he/she is fun to be with
  • I love this person because he/she is exciting
  • I love this person because he/she is romantic
  • I love this person because he/she is so intelligent
  • I love this person because I’ve never felt so safe
  • I love this person because I’ve never felt so loved
  • I love this person because we like the same things
  • I love this person because he/she admires me so much
  • I love this person because he/she needs me so much
You get the point. Whatever we tell ourselves – assuming the reasons fall within the parameters of what I’ve outlined above – the common denominator is that it’s always about me.

And a portion of this whole relationship being about me is that it keeps me busy. Occupied. Having fun. Busy thinking about the other person. Even if the thinking is ruminative about why things – right now – are not so good in the relationship. And hence, distracted from – perhaps – other things I should be looking at that concern me. My psyche, my emotions, my inner world, the state of my inner well-being independent of the other person.

So now we come to the point of the title of this article: Are you bored if you’re not in a relationship?
Here’s what often happens. The relationship ends. For whatever reason. Your life has lost excitement. Drama. Entertainment. Doing things together. Feeling part of a couple. Looking forward to evenings, to weekends, to vacation times. Even the part where you’re ruminating about why things aren’t as perfect as you might like. But at least while you ruminate, you still are in a relationship.

So how do you replace that empty feeling? That feeling of being alone? That feeling of no longer really enjoying your life? That feeling of having lost an important part of yourself? That feeling of being less than you were before?

You see, all those feelings and many other, similar ones,  point to the fact that there is, indeed, something missing inside of you, and that you are trying to fill up this missing part with the person with whom you are in a relationship. And that is not – I am afraid – a very good reason to be in a relationship. You see, when you fill up your own missing bits via another, if and when the other fails you, deserts you, gives up on you, dies, etc., you are once again left alone with your missing bits, and will once again need to rely on another to fill them for you.

For example, if you mainly feel safe when you are in relationship with a certain kind of man or woman, and you seek out that kind of safety, when will you ever learn to provide safety for yourself? Or if you mainly feel that life is fun when you are with a certain kind of person and you seek out such a person, when will you ever learn to provide fun for yourself? Or if you mainly feel that life is so much more worthwhile if you are with a certain kind of person, when will you ever learn to provide worth to your own life by yourself? Or if you mainly feel that you only really feel good about yourself when you are with a certain kind of person and you seek out such a person, when will you ever learn to make yourself feel good about yourself on your own???

Clearly, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have people in your life who make you feel safe, or who bring fun and laughter into your life, or give you reasons that let you feel your life is more worthwhile, or who make you feel good about yourself. But it does mean in most uncertain terms that if you are unable to provide those things for yourself first, you will always have to rely on another to do it for you. And therefore you will most likely wind up loving someone for the wrong reasons – although at the beginning you are convinced that they are the right ones. And those wrong reasons will also likely bring about the demise of the relationship.

So. Now what? Assuming you take what I’ve written here as the truth – or at least the highly probably truth, what can you now do?

First and foremost take on board all I’ve said about looking for others to fill your missing bits … such as, for example, learning how to feel good thanks to you, and not thanks to whoever is in your life. In other words, if you first take charge of your state of well-being, then no matter who is or is not in your life, your state of well-being does not depend on them, but on you. That is the process.
Secondly, take a good look at exactly what those missing bits are. Where do you need to replenish yourself? What parts of yourself do you need to grow and/or heal in order that you are able to live a life independent of the need to have others who fill the missing bits of yourself? Become responsible for all of this by realizing that the more you take charge of your life, your inner peace and well-being, the more you will be able to live a life of freedom. Freedom does not mean not having other people in your life, that you love and cherish. It just means not needing them for all those things that you should be supplying for yourself.

And a final remark regarding those missing bits: what are your inner resources? In other words, what do you have inside of yourself that helps you take good care of yourself when you need it? Are you aware of how to take good care of your thoughts and feelings? Said another way, have you begun the process of loving yourself? Are you fully responsible for all you think, feel, say, and do, and how you react to whatever it is that life throws at you? Are you aware enough of yourself at all times so that you are able to change your self-dialogue when it needs changing, so that you can, indeed, take good care of yourself? Do you practice mindfulness? These are all inner resources that can be your staunchest allies; your greatest friends in times of need. And when you do have these inner resources, I guarantee you that you will no longer get into relationships simply in order to fulfill your needs, because you will be well on the road to fulfilling them yourself.

***************

See the preview to my new online course, available shortly
"Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin" 

CHECK THIS SPACE FOR UPDATES

 *****************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions


Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 
DEINE SEELE UND DU
  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle



Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Monday, March 13, 2017

The Blows Life Deals


When life deals you blows - maybe just an occasional one, or perhaps a series of hard blows, like boulders crashing down a mountain during the rainy season, one after the other - if you have nothing in place that gives you shelter, you may be in for a much harder time than you are able to manage.

In the terms I am referring to here, shelter means inner strength, inner wherewithal, pathways that you have forged over a lifetime of dealing with other blows and learning that they can not be assuaged with outer distractions, but that they need inner resources.

Inner resources can be come by with practice. It doesn't have to necessarily be hard to acquire them. But they all require that you look at yourself with great honesty. They require that you do not pretend to yourself that whatever is happening is so due to another's fault. Of course another may have done something very hurtful or damaging, but whoever carries the onus of the situation, the real point is, what are you going to do about it, so that you can live your life from now on (the moment of the blow) and move forward. And blaming someone isn't going to help you in that endeavour.

If a boulder slams down a mountain-side and partially crushes your car, but you manage to escape unscathed, what is the point of blaming your predicament on the weather, or the mountain, or the circumstances? No matter how many times you repeat the story to anyone who will listen, the facts don't change. You will have to get on with it, hopefully you have car insurance that doesn't make nasty noises about 'acts of God', and figure out how to get down from that mountain.

In other areas of your life, it's a bit of the same. People who may hurt you are making their own choices. You can't make those (or future) choices for them. But you can make your own choices. And herein lies the challenge to begin to accrue inner resources. This is a choice you can make every single time something occurs in your life that is a blow - large or small. You can determine to learn from it. You can determine to shore up those inner resources by practicing a bit more every day (even on those days - and hopefully there are many - when no blows fall).

Practicing tennis only on the days he plays international tournaments, would not take Rafa Nadal very far. Practicing every day - simply to strengthen his 'game' - means that on the day of the tournament, he is not only in form to play the match well, but may have upped his game thanks to all the practice.

So it is with us. If we want to have strength when we most need it - when the blows rain down on us - we need to have practiced long before any of those blows fell. Such practice will stand you in good stead - not to mention what it might do for others who observe you, and decide to model portions of their own life on yours. As they say ... shine a light ...

So what are these inner resources? What I have written about ceaselessly on this blog as well as in all my books, workshops, conferences, and of course, with the clients that come to my private practice:
  • practice mindfulness every day
  • practice being aware and conscious every day
  • recognize that your inner peace comes from there
  • practice compassion & loving kindness
  • choose to be responsible for all you think, feel, say and do, as well as how you react at any time
  • love yourself
  • take very good care of yourself
  • forgive, and then forgive again
  • make good choices
  • be responsible for your own happiness
  • observe your inner self-dialogue and improve it as needed
All of this is covered in my books. All of this can be - if you so choose - very straightforward. Remember: much of it depends on your intention and then on the attention that you pay to said intention. Choose well. Choose now.

***************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books (also in Spanish & German). My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions


Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 
DEINE SEELE UND DU
  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... ahora en todo el mundo en Amazon en versión bolsillo y Kindle



Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram 

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Does Making a Mistake Mean You're Out of Your Comfort Zone?



When babies reach about 11-13 months of age they begin to walk. Tentatively at first, then more securely, and finally, of course, they walk perfectly, unless there is a physiological or neurological challenge not attributable to their skills. At the beginning, a parent is typically there to help the child, encourage the child, and above all, to watch out for the child's safety.

When pilots learn how to fly, they may practice in simulators in order to be able to gain expertise before actually being up in the air. In the early stages, and prior to earning their license, an instructor accompanies them in their first forays up into the skies, in order to remind the student pilot of procedures, to help in difficult maneuvers, to encourage, and again, to watch out for the student's safety.

When we learn how to write we painstakingly trace shapes with clumsy fingers until at last we manage the skill and progress from pencil to pen ... to this day I remember the pride that overwhelmed me on that day when I was seven when I was allowed to write with a pen!

When we learn how to dance salsa, when we fall in love, when we learn how to make bread, when we speak in public, when we learn how to play football, the violin, or paint with oils, we will always first make some kind of mistake. It's part of the learning process, isn't it?

So why do we believe we should not make mistakes later on in life when we do other things? Admittedly, by now we may be adults, we may even be in mid-life or old age, but since there are always things we are doing for the first time, it follows that we'll make some mistakes in the process of learning them. Is our fear of making a mistake mainly based on what others might think? Or on how we look, making such a mistake at our age? Is it based on maintaining an image - even if just in our own eyes, that we have nothing left to learn? Even the most image-conscious would agree with me that such a thought is just plain silly.

So what's it all about? Could it be our ego? Our comfort zone? That when we make mistakes we feel insecure, as opposed to how we feel when we tread on our well-known and by now - deeply-trodden - path? And yet, we all know that leaving the comfort zone is where and when we begin to grow. We left the safety of crawling on our hands and knees to walk. And so we grew. We left the safety of mother's arms to go to kindergarten. And so we grew.

Charles Kettering, inventor, engineer, and businessman, as well as head of research at General Motors for well over 20 years, said: the only time you mustn't fail is the last time you try. In other words, you need to keep on trying, until you get it right. You need to have an attitude of faith; of willingness to keep on trying, over and over, until you get it right.

Let's dare make mistakes and rejoice in their teaching rather than sinking in the thought of failure. Failure is never failure unless you don't get back up. Just as the baby who has fallen back on the floor, grins up disarmingly - never once suspecting that once it's older such a fall, figuratively speaking, would make it feel awful - and gets right back up on its feet to try again. Over and over. Until he's got it right. And then, of course, he starts to run. Does he care how he looks? No! Does he care what others think? No! Is he proud of his accomplishment? Yes!

Let's dare make mistakes and learn what our infant selves knew intuitively: trying over and over again makes perfect. And then, let's run!
***************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English). Available globally in paperback or Kindle e-book versions


Bücher von Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Deutsch) ... JETZT bei Amazon (Taschenbuch oder E-Book) erhältlich 
DEINE SEELE UND DU
  

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du, jetzt weltweit erhältlich als Taschenbuch oder Kindle E-Book (Blog hier), werden auch meine anderen Bücher in Zukunft auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhältlich sein.

Libros por Gabriella Kortsch (español) ... próximamente en Amazon en versión bolsillo y E-Libro para Kindle


Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed. 

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram