Imagine I were one of your best
friends. And I ring you up and say that I'm going through a really rough patch
and need to talk to someone. And I tell you that you are such a good listener
and that you give great advice. So could we please have dinner tomorrow night?
You actually have some rather fun
plans for tomorrow. However, because I am your good friend, you agree to break
those plans and see me. You suggest we meet at a restaurant we've been at
together in the past at 8:30 pm the following evening.
The next day, at about six, I call
you, and tell you that I just ran into Robert, and I remind you about how much
I have always been attracted to him, and that he has invited me out to dinner
tonight. I say: You don't
mind, do you?
Now your mind is churning with
thoughts. WHAT???
you think, yesterday you
were falling apart and needed to speak to someone and so asked me for time, and
you know I broke my own plans to accommodate you, and now you are blowing me
off? But, as you are thinking these thoughts, you are also
remembering that I am your very good friend, and so now, the question is: how do you react to what I have
just said to you?
Let me interrupt this article here
and explain that this hypothetical situation is one that I often pose to
clients. I need to know what their reaction would be in this kind of a
situation that happens - as I am confident you will agree - rather more
frequently than we might like.
So: how do you react to my announcement that I am going to
dinner with Robert and not with you?
(Please do think of your response -
or remember the last time you were in a similar situation and how you reacted
then - before reading on).
Here's the thing: many, many people
respond that while they don't like it, they do in fact say that it's ok and
that the other person may go ahead and have dinner with Robert.
So if this had been a test, those of
you who answered the way many do, let me assure you that you failed miserably (
LOL ). But the reason you failed has to do with the fact that you have let yourself down.
Whenever I pose this hypothetical
scenario, I then ask the client: do
you not notice that when you are being blown off, and when you allow it, by not
saying anything about it, that your gut clenches painfully? And
again, most will tell me - and I am confident that in your case it is also the
same - that it does indeed clench painfully. And they will often tell me that
this clenching is a well-known feeling.
Let me tell you that this clenching
is a message from your body to you. You may also wish to read How Your
Thoughts Change Your Body and
You've Got
Mail ... It's From Your Body. What the clenching is saying is that you need to address
this situation. You need to say to the other person that what they are doing is
not acceptable.
So if you do not want to let yourself down, it
is imperative that you learn how to react in situations where others do or say
something you find unacceptable, and that you understand what their different
reactions to you (assuming you now let them know you find it unacceptable) may
mean as well.
First of all: when you feel the
clenching, take it to be a message from yourself through that second brain you
have in your gut (also see Introducing
Our Second and Third Brains: We Do Think With Our Heart and Instinct), that it is absolutely essential that you do something
about it. As stated in Part 1 of this article, if you do nothing when you have
that very physical feeling, you are letting yourself down. It is tantamount to
saying to yourself on this subliminal level, that you are not worth it; that
you do not respect yourself enough to do it, and more importantly, that you do
not love yourself enough to do it. What
do you think a lifetime of giving yourself that message, does to yourself?
Once you have recognized that
something needs to be done, understand that this something is based not on you correcting the
other person, or becoming angry at the other person, or showing the other
person how horrible they are, or how inconsiderate, or changing their way of
being, rather, is based on
you seeing that you care enough about
yourself to speak up when an unacceptable thing is being done or said to you.
(Please note that if this is a case of domestic violence, this method should
not be used). This means that by speaking up about yourself, you will
automatically feel better
about yourself!
So if you need to speak up without
getting angry, it follows that whatever you do say, needs to come from a
place of calmness (even though when you begin to do this, your heart will beat
in a most frightful fashion, because you will not be accustomed to doing this,
and it will provoke a fear of rejection from the other in you). From this place
of calmness, you can say something along the lines that whatever was just said
or done is not acceptable, that it is hurtful, or inconsiderate, and in the
example offered above, it shows you that the other person (who is standing you
up), does not value your friendship the same way you do. You also need to give
a consequence (albeit a small one, since is the first time you are speaking up
about the matter at hand with this particular person), so you might simply say:
Please don't do it again.
It's not actually a consequence, but you are
putting the other person on guard with respect to a repetition of their
behavior.
When I explain this to clients, the
reaction is frequently one of tension: no,
they say, I could never do
that. I could
not say such words to another person. Then, of course, when I
mention that the reason they feel they can't, is because they fear the other's
reaction of potential rejection, I point out that this is a long-ingrained
habit (probably rooted in childhood, although not necessarily due to abusive behavior
as much, as due to perceived reactions on the part of your parents or
caretakers) of allowing others to step on them in unacceptable ways, that is
literally eating away at them, and it needs to be conquered in order that they
may begin to feel some love for themselves. Conquering it - as conquering
anything at all - is a question of tiny step after tiny step. Practice plus
intention plus conscious choice.
Having now imagined that this was
indeed braved, and said, I then offer several possible reactions on the part of
the other. One, of course, is the dreaded rejection, where the 'friend'
generally says something in a rather loud, belligerent or offensive tone of
voice to the tune of what is
wrong with you, it's just a dinner, I don't see what you are getting yourself
so worked up about and in the meantime you are shriveling up
inside because - just as you feared - you are being rejected.
At this point, I then ask the
client: And is this really
the kind of friend you want? This bears some thinking about. And
remember, the friend is reacting this way in part because he/she is used to you
allowing them to step all over you. You
have accustomed them to such behavior.
However, let's assume the other
person had a better reaction, and - hand over mouth - says something like: Oh my God, I am so sorry, I don't know
what I was thinking. Let me re-arrange matters and let's have dinner after all.
Clearly this is another kettle of fish, and not only are you feeling better now
because you spoke up, but more importantly, because something has been cleared
up between the two of you, perhaps after decades of 'unacceptable' behavior on
the part of your friend and mute acceptance on your part, and so you can both
move forward on a new basis. Further, you have learned that this person is a
true friend indeed.
Sadly, as you can imagine, the
former reaction is much more typical, at which point your conversation has
probably ended. However, despite all this, it may happen that you nevertheless
continue in contact with this person, and some months down the road a similar
situation ensues. At this point, you really need to refer to the first time you
brought it up: we already
had a situation like this a couple of months ago, and I asked you not to repeat
it. You clearly care much less about our friendship than I do, so I am going to
think about this whole thing. I'll be in touch when I've reached a conclusion.
Once again, you are affirming to yourself that you care enough about yourself
to do this, and you are showing the other person, not only that it is indeed
unacceptable to treat you this way, but you are now putting a concrete
consequence into the equation: don't call me, I'll call you ... once I've
thought about this.
This entire situation
(illustrated with one very tiny example, and of course other examples
abound in the lives of those who do not take on the responsibility of proving
to themselves that they love themselves) and your new behavior will bring you
closer to yourself, to an inner connection to yourself and in this process you
will be showing yourself that you are on the path to loving yourself in a new
and much more healthy way. This is one of the roads to inner freedom and
well-being.
*********************************
Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.
Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)
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