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Thursday, March 19, 2015

Five Questions Regarding Your Boundaries


The beauty of healthy boundaries is that they help create beauty in your life. Why? They keep out much of that which is not beautiful. They help demarcate your life, not in a stifling way, but in a way that allows you to breathe more easily. Many situations in life do not allow you to set up boundaries because in those situations you are somehow coerced by a political, racial, or perhaps religious situation, and often those situations require your adherence to rules that restrict your healthy boundaries. If you live in a totalitarian state, clearly to demarcate healthy boundaries might be detrimental to your life. In racial or religious situations, demarcating boundaries might imply that you will be ousted or shunned.

But in slightly more normal circumstances, healthy boundaries help you determine where to draw the line with regards to other people's behavior, their treatment of you, and what you will allow in your life. Such boundaries are not about being contentious, argumentative, defensive or rude. Boundaries almost always involve some kind of consequence if they are not adhered to, but it is you who must decide what the consequences are and whether you are capable of sticking to them.

Healthy boundaries can be applied to partners, children, parents, siblings, other family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc. A lack of healthy boundaries almost always signals a lack of self-love.

Ask these questions of yourself to determine where you stand with respect to healthy boundaries:
  1. do you allow another to treat you in ways you find less than kind and living and tell yourself that it's OK because underneath that behavior they actually love you? Or because since you are so loving, there is no need to become contentious about the matter?
  2. do you tell yourself that not making waves, and keeping the peace is more important than standing up for your rights?
  3. do you notice frequent twisting and pulling in your gut when others stand you up, treat you less than lovingly, or are unkind, but pay no attention to that very physical sensation in your gut?
  4. do you tell yourself that it is more important not to lose friends than to tell them (and hence risk their disapprobation or anger) that they are behaving in unacceptable ways?
  5. do you believe that it is more important to love the other than yourself?
A lack of self-love, as stated above, is almost always correlated with poor boundaries. Many believe that self-love is selfish. I've written an entire book The Power of Your Heart: Loving the Self about self-love due to the many misconceptions about what constitutes healthy love (and hence healthy boundaries). Another one of my books Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin, points to some very difficult relationship issues that have their foundations in poor boundaries and a lack of self love.

One final point: how would you allow another to treat your beloved child? I imagine you have it quite clear in your mind what you would and would not tolerate with regards to that beloved child. That is how you need to begin treating yourself.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming April 2015)

 

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Meine Bücher auf deutsch April 2015 / Mis libros en español abril 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf deutsch: Wiedervereinigung mit der Seele (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher auf Amazon im April 2015 erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en Amazon en español en todo el mundo a partir de abril 2015.


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