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"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Monday, March 31, 2008

EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) DVD

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), a topic I've written about in the past (see Related Posts below), has just taken another step. A DVD that presents EFT to everyone in an easy-to-follow mode, using normal people who wanted to work on something that was bothering them, has just been released.

View the trailer here:




Here are just some of the professionals that participate in it. I've written about many of them on this blog, or mentioned their books:


Look at the website of the people who put this together here. I can only applaud the push behind the idea that brought it into fruition, and wish them the greatest of success in bringing this knowledge to everyone!

Related Posts:

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Your Parents, Your Children, and the Marital Bed

So you had a mind-blowing passionate affair. It lasted five weeks, or six months, or two years. You each lived in your own place. Then you decided to move in together. Maybe you even marry. You were so much in love. It made sense to commit. But now, your once passionate partner who desired you so much doesn’t want to make love anymore. They avoid you, they shun you, and you are bewildered, self doubt arises, you feel hurt, unloved, and finally angry. So you leave, or you threaten to leave, or you find yourself someone else who does find you desirable. Suddenly, magically, your partner wants you again. The passion is back. The old chemistry is flying once more. So then things settle down. Everyone is happy just like at the beginning. But it happens again. Your partner doesn’t want to make love anymore. What on earth is going on?

Some readers may be surprised by this topic. It veers away from the more self developmental nature of past articles and moves into the relationship many of you may have had with one or both of your parents, and then the content of the article walks right into the privacy of your bedroom as an adult. I have chosen this topic based on the queries I receive and the number of clients I have seen over time that present with this dilemma.

Men

Are you a man, and when you were a child you were – in some fashion or another – abandoned by your parents? Perhaps you were ill and had to spend a lengthy period of time in hospital, and perhaps the hospital was too far from your parents’ residence for them to visit you more than once a week. Perhaps your parents – and particularly your mother - were kind and caring, but you perceived that they simply did not love you enough for your needs. Perhaps an event occurred while you were still a child, that caused you to feel rejected by your mother in a particularly important way.

Women

Are you a woman, and when you were a child you were – in some fashion or another – abandoned by your father? (See also my article: Fatherless Women). Perhaps your parents – and particularly your father - were kind and caring, but you perceived that they simply did not love you enough for your needs. Perhaps your parents divorced and your father left and rarely saw you. Perhaps he was physically there, but emotionally absent. Perhaps he rejected you. Perhaps you felt he never gave you the approval you so avidly sought. Perhaps he (or another important male in the close family environment) abused you sexually, physically, psychologically, or emotionally.

When Love is Learned Incorrectly

Whatever the case, in the scenario both for boys and girls, the missing ingredient, or the essential point to realize, is that something has gone awry in the way the child views the love he or she receives from the parent. In other words, the child has not received – or perceived – a developmentally healthy lesson about love from the parent.

And what happens when you learn something incorrectly?

Think for a moment how you were taught how to hold a pencil when you were learning how to write. Most of us learned it properly. Some didn’t and you can see it in the way they hold a pen, or in the way they scrunch their fingers together. How about when you learned how to slice or dice vegetables? Do you julienne? Or do you chop and cut a mess of unequal misshapen pieces? And what about how you learned how to use Excel? Or sew? Or ride a bike? Or dance the tango?

So what happens when you learn something incorrectly? Don’t many people continue to do whatever it is wrong again and again and again? Until something happens to make them want to change their method?

And this is exactly what happens when a child learns dysfunctional lessons about how love works. The child continues to “do it” incorrectly. Why? Because he or she believes that that is the right way to have love.

Love Means Getting Hurt…

So here you have a kid who learned that love means getting hurt…whether the pain is in the heart or in the body is actually not so important. Pain of whatever kind hurts, and much of this kind of pain, however it originated, leaves noticeable impressions and trauma. But before the pain came, the child felt – even if only briefly – real love. The child experienced something that he or she believed to be the real thing. The love it felt for the parent was magnificent, the way love is meant to be, and the child reveled in it, the way most of us do when we feel we are truly loved and cherished. The child believed the parent reciprocated this love in the most wonderful and caring way. The child felt safe. The child felt loved. The child felt secure.

And then the blow fell.

Whether it came in the form of rejection or coldness or abuse or abandonment is not as important as the message the child gives itself in order to try to understand what happened. And although the content of this message may be varied, with consequences of a varied nature, for the purposes of today’s article, the message the child gave itself was that love is not safe. Love is dangerous. Watch it! When you feel truly safe and loved, something bad will happen.

Looking for Love

Fast forward. The child is now a teen or an adult, embarking on relationships. Keenly interested in finding love. Frequently looking for it in the guise of sex (see also my article: Sexual Energy). Frequently this individual is – or appears to be - highly passionate. Sometimes this individual sees him or herself as more passionate than most other people. He or she may believe sometimes, somehow, that sex is love. And when this individual finds another person with whom the sexual flame ignites in the way of great passions, then typically, frequently, this person falls desperately, frantically, obsessively, fearfully, longingly in love. (See also my July 2006 Newsletter: I Need You…I Need You Not).

Passion and Love

All of the adjectives in the last sentence that describe the state of mind of our protagonist as he or she falls in love tend – in some fashion or another - to form part of the scenario which is now choreographed (see also my article Are You in Love, Or Do You Love?). A dance begins. The individual often shows him or herself as a highly passionate, highly sexual person. He or she shows boundless desire for the partner, particularly during the phase of the relationship where the partner is not yet quite committed. None of this happens deliberately, or in a calculating fashion. It is an unconscious pattern in which sexuality plays a leading role, but not a scheming mindset designed to catch an unwitting prey.

The less accessible the partner, the more highly the flames of passion will leap, and eventually in some cases, the couple commits to a life in common. They decide to live together, to get married, or even, in some instances, to commit by deciding to have a child or buy a home together.

Commitment

So now our protagonist has achieved what appears to have been the goal: love, a committed relationship, a life together. Finally there is this long-desired state of love. Love is corresponded. A long awaited state of circumstances has arrived, so now they live happily ever after, right? Well, possibly yes, but not, perhaps, without first going through some tough trials that involve the most intimate aspect of the couple’s bedroom…the sexual relationship.

Arctic Winds

Now a phase begins that is generally misunderstood by both partners. Neither can explain how this once passionate person quickly turns into someone who shuns the marital bed, making up the most ludicrous excuses to avoid sex, or, if sex continues to play a part in the relationship, the partner who is turning off, finds it more and more difficult to continue playing a role that is no longer tenable. In other words, the erstwhile passionate individual no longer wants sex. He or she may even find it disgusting, having a hard time keeping this fact from the bewildered partner, and frequently the turned off partner will do his or her utmost to make certain the partner does not know how much sex has become repulsive, because love has not necessarily diminished, and there is no wish to hurt the shunned partner further.

In the meantime of course, the confused partner suffers a gradually decreasing sense of self esteem, at least as far as his or her sexuality is concerned. He or she may believe that sexual desire and hence the frequency of sex has waned because he is less attractive, less desirable, or because the partner has found someone else. They may also believe that the partner has become frigid or important, indeed, the person who no longer wants sex may believe this also. Occasionally they may seek out a new sexual partner, just to convince themselves that they can still function. Many things are imagined, but the truth of the matter is rarely realized, particularly not by the partner who has turned physically cold. And the solution never lies in exchanging one partner for another, because invariably the pattern will repeat itself. Like most issues I discuss in my articles, this one must be resolved from within and not from without.

The Danger Zone

The truth of the matter – at least in some instances of the type of background described above – is the fact that the individual with the difficult childhood came to believe, back then, and on subconscious levels, that being safe in a loving situation is the threshold to some kind of pain…emotional pain, psychological pain, etc. When this person was a child, and when he or she felt safe and loved, something happened to cause this pain. The connection between feeling safe and loved on the one hand and pain or danger on the other hand, has been clearly established in the subconscious mind. So when this person finds him or herself in a safe loving situation, a type of inner panic button begins screeching a warning, albeit on subconscious levels, and something has to be done to upset the applecart and avert the danger.

This is the moment that some of the people in this situation turn “cold” on their partners and sex goes down the tube. Almost as though by doing that, the connection between love and safety is successfully broken. They have been striving for just such a situation for so long, but nevertheless, they are sabotaging it in the most insidious way. Insidious not only for their partner, but also for themselves. And of course no one knows what on earth is going on. Typically the individual who no longer desires the other continues to love the other very much. At least for a while. They feel tremendously guilty about not desiring them. The other partner feels rejected, but the one who is off sex, in time may begin to believe that it’s actually due to the fact that the partner truly no longer is desirable. Or that their personal hygiene is off, or that their love-making techniques are no longer interesting, none of which of course have any relation to the real reason. Ultimately neither partner is looking for the answers inside. Ultimately it is such a difficult situation that many couples just give up. The guilt and the hurt can grow to enormous proportions.

So Now What?

There are solutions. But I can’t pretend they are easy. Or even that there are always solutions. (See also my Sept. 2006 Newsletter: Marriage in the 21st Century). The dynamics of this particular psycho-emotional dilemma whose almost invisible tentacles reach into an individual’s sexuality, are difficult to disentangle. They require a great deal of awareness, not only on the part of the person who has gone cold, but also on the part of the partner. For some reason the rejected partner has also drawn this into his or her life, and so, on another level, this is a secondary dilemma that also needs to be faced, but that is the topic for another article.

If you are reading this and have recognized yourself or your partner, I urge you to seek help. Not because either of you is sick, but because this is a hard one to grapple with on your own. A very important element of the solution lies in removing pressure from finding the resolution as the solution is being sought. By that I mean that although the solution needs to be sought actively, it needs to be done in such a way that the partner who has gone cold does not feel pressured to have sex for a time. Another very important element is allowing love to live and flow despite the problem, in order that the partner who has gone cold begins to realize that he or she is loved despite the problem. For some people, on the receiving end of the sexual coldness this may be impossible, and in that case, the relationship has probably come to an end. But for those who are capable of continuing to love, there is hope for the relationship, and hope for the eventual resurgence of passion. And finally, the most important element of the solution lies in psychological and emotional awareness on the part of both partners about the dynamics of what is occurring, and to recognize that love – especially when our early lessons about it have been dysfunctional - is both the cause of the problem and the solution to the problem.

Radio Program April 2008

Once a month I will be posting the current list of topics for my weekly radio show.

This is what the April 2008 schedule looks like:

April 2: How Do You Choose to React?
April 9: Crystal & Indigo Children
April 16: Let’s Talk About Guilt: What is it Really Good For?
April 23: Get Those Neurons and Synapses Hopping: Grow Your Brain by Doing Something New!
April 30: Autism and Body Chemistry

Click here for radio show archives from 2004-2008 (not all are up, but you'll find more than 100 different radio shows!).

The show airs weekly on Wednesdays from 11 – 12 noon CEDT (Central European Daylight Time) which is 6 hours ahead of New York, one hour ahead of London, the same time as Paris or Berlin (except at the end of October and March, where there tends to be a week of confusion, as not all countries change to daylight saving and back, and those that do, don't always do so on the same day).

See below for equivalent times in other locations.

Ways To Listen

1) LIVE on your radio dial OCI FM 101.6 (Costa del Sol) or FM 94.6 (Costa Blanca)
2) LIVE on the web Onda Cero (Once there, click on “Internacional” on upper right)
3) Listen to over 100 archived audio files on my website

Equivalent Times in Other Locations: (Locally: CEDT: Central European Daylight Time)

or go to http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html to convert from your time zone (some of these times may not be correct at certain times of the year):

11 pm – 12 midnight: Honolulu (locally Tuesday evening)
5-6 am: New York City, Miami, Montreal, Toronto, Nassau, Santo Domingo, Barbados
6-7 am: Rio de Janeiro
9-10 am: Reykjavik, Casablanca
10-11 am: London, Lagos
11-12 noon: (LOCAL) Madrid, Rome, Berlin, Paris, Warsaw, Tripoli, Harare, Cape Town
12-1 pm: Bucharest, Riga, Istanbul, Cairo, Amman, Kuwait City, Addis Ababa, Nairobi
12:30-1:30 pm: Tehran
1-2 pm: Moscow, Dubai, Baghdad, Seychelles
2-3 pm: Islamabad
2:30-3:30 pm: New Delhi, Bangalore, Mumbai
4-5 pm: Hanoi, Bangkok
5-6 pm: Singapore, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Manila, Bali, Taipei, Perth
6-7 pm: Tokyo, Seoul
7-8 pm: Sydney
9-10 pm: Auckland, Fiji Islands

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Friday, March 28, 2008

Fatherless Women: What Happens to the Adult Woman Who Was Raised Without Her Father?

Little girls who live without a father do so not only due to death, abandonment, or divorce, but also due to physically present fathers but who are emotionally absent, or ill over a lengthy period of time in some way (clinical depression, terminal disease, etc.), or because the father is a workaholic, or because in some fashion the father is a disappointment to the daughter, as might be the case in a weak or ineffectual father. Such differing types of absence in the girl’s life may have major consequences of varying kinds, since a healthy emotional and socio-psychological developmental trajectory in the early years of life does require some type of positive paternal role model.

Seeing the Self Reflected

Optimally, a little girl needs to see herself reflected in the love she sees for herself in her father’s eyes. This is how she develops self confidence and self esteem. This is how she develops a healthy familiarity with what a positive expression of love feels like. This is how she develops an appreciation for her own looks, her own body. This is how she develops what Jungians would call her “animus”, her counter-sexual self; her masculine self, which will help her be proactive, productive, and creative in the outer world as she grows into adulthood.

If, however, the little girl does not have such a relationship with the father, if she sees rejection or emotional coldness or withdrawal in him, or if he simply is not available at all, her sense of self will be tainted, her self confidence warped or non-existent, her portrait of a loving relationship may be distorted or dysfunctional, and she may find herself, no matter how pretty, vivacious, lovable, funny, or intelligent, lacking in appeal.

Belief in the Self

Clearly, self confidence and self esteem can be forged through one’s own endeavours during the life course, even if a father has not been present, but the path to success in such endeavours, and the reasons for which they are even attempted, tend to be quite different in the adult woman who was raised with a positive relationship to her father, as opposed to the one who was not. The former may excel simply because she believes in herself, while the latter needs to excel in order to catch a glimpse of approval and recognition in the eyes of those who give her a message of approval, honor, or prestige. The value of such a belief in oneself, easily acquired by the woman with a positive relationship to her father, is immeasurable in the adult life, and the lack of it in many of the countless women who were raised without a positive father image, may cause the life course to be fraught with difficulties.

The Multi-faceted Arena of Relationships

Perhaps the arena in which the most painful process of learning how to deal with the early lack of a father is played out is in that of relationships. If a girl has not been assured of her value as a woman by that early relationship with the father, she finds it difficult to relate to men precisely because she may often unconsciously seek to find that recognition in the eyes of the beloved…and this may lead her down an early path of promiscuity…which in turn makes her feel she is “bad”, but on she marches, relentlessly visiting bed after bed, locking in a fierce embrace with man after man, in the hope that this one or that one, or the next one will finally give her that which she never had as a child – validation of herself for herself.

Marrying “Daddy”

Other women may choose another route, falling in love with an older man and thus marrying “daddy”. At this point many different scenarios may ensue. If the man is at all psychologically aware (something often, but not always lacking in older men who like younger girls), he may have a vague inkling of what is going on. Therefore, once she starts – within the secure confines of the relationship or marriage – the process of growth, which will inevitably lead her to separate from her husband in some ways that are emotionally and psychologically necessary in order for her become her own woman, he will not blanch in fear at this process, and allow her the necessary space and freedom to do so. In that case, the marriage will in all likelihood thrive and continue to grow. If, however, the man is not aware, and sees her search for growth as a threat to the superiority he felt upon marrying a young, and as yet undeveloped woman, he will attempt to stifle her, to manipulate her psychologically by making her believe she is worthless, silly, or, and this appears to be a perennial favorite, that she “needs professional help in order to calm down and behave like she used to before”.

Avoiding Engaging the Emotions

Another possible scenario (and there are many more which for reasons of space can not be touched upon in this article) is that of avoiding relationships totally, or of avoiding the engagement of one’s emotions (see my July 2006 Newsletter for an article about this scenario expressed as neediness – both for men and for women). Examples here abound: the maiden aunt, who dedicates her life to her nieces and nephews, or who becomes a teacher and dedicates her life to her career; the nun, who dedicates her life to God, or the prostitute, who, although she may engage her body, rarely engages her emotions. Another example is that of the eternal seductress, who needs to remain in control by seducing the man and never actually involving her own feelings. A slightly more difficult to recognize version of the same scenario is played out by the woman who consistently has relationships with married men who never leave their respective wives for her. On an unconscious level this suits her just fine because it gives her the perfect excuse never to have to commit herself totally.

Finding Self-Confidence and Recognition in the Self

The core of the matter is, of course, that the self-confidence and recognition so avidly sought must be found within oneself rather than in the outer world – at least initially - in order to be of lasting and true value. The world of emotions that is avoided out of fear or because one never really learned what love is, must first be found in oneself (i.e., it is necessary to love the self before one loves another). The task of accomplishing this, requires that the individual become aware of him or herself (by observing the self, the self-talk, and all emotions that occur, good or bad, since all of these serve to give clues about the true self), and that absolute honesty about oneself be employed in this process. Let the reader be warned: this process is not a simple weekend project; it must be ongoing throughout life; it must become second nature, but it will pave the road to finding inner self-confidence and love for oneself, which will in turn lead to the abolishment of the need for finding these things in another. This is one of the roads to inner freedom that psychological knowledge offers.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Our Joys

Assilah, Morocco
Poetry can often be inspiring, and today this crossed my desk:

Our joys as winged dreams do fly; why then should sorrow last? Since grief but aggravates thy loss, grieve not for what is past.

Thomas Percy, English poet 1729-1811

Grieve not for what is past ... our joys as winged dreams do fly ... doesn't it make sense that we behave the same way with our grief as we do with our joy? As the poet - Thomas Percy - says, are joys tend to leave us very quickly. And yet we dwell on our sorrows.

This is in fact, an unusually interesting statement about the human condition. We have a much greater tendency to stay with those aspects of our lives that are not bright and clear, that do not have sunshine and warmth, and tend to bring on the clouds swollen with rain. Why do we do this? Is it just a wired into us? Wired into our hearts? Wired into our brains?

I don't think so. This may very well be due to what part Eckhart Tolle calls the pain body, and what Chris Griscom calls the emotional body. I've written about this in the past, so I'll just briefly reiterate the basic points:
  • the pain body is seductive
  • the emotional body has an emotionally sticky quality that we find hard to pull away from
  • both pain body and emotional body are familiar to us because they represent pain, difficulties, and hardships that we have been subject to in the past
  • this very familiarity based on the amount of time we have spent revisiting those difficult moments, is what causes us to field the seductive pull
  • once we give in to the seductive pull into the pain or the negative emotions via our memory needs, we tend to wallow in the pain, much as pigs wallow in mud
  • why?
  • Because we prefer the familiarity
  • if we spent as much time revisiting our joyful moments as we do our painful ones, we might find - ironically - that we experience greater familiarity with our joy than with our pain - and wouldn't that be a wonderful state of mind to be in...

Have you ever considered why the sum total of your life very possibly seems to have an uneven tipping of the scale in favor of the negative? Could it not be simply because of where you spend much of your mental time? And don't you agree that where you spend much of your mental time is a matter of choice? And if it is a matter of choice, why not spend more time with your memories of the joyful moments, as opposed to memories of the painful ones? It really is that easy.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Our Right to Choose Life or Death

Yesterday's blog was about healing - Theta Healing - and consequently about life, but today I am concerned with our right to die in a dignified fashion.

I have written about this in the past - Dying With Dignity - and have long considered the subject a very important one. Nevertheless, clearly, our Western culture does not come to the same conclusion, because we find instance after instance of individuals, either in terminal situations, enduring great pain and who desire a dignified way to die, or individuals who are not in terminal situations, but who are living completely untenable situations, and wish to have a legal way out, but who are not granted this option.

The case of Chantal Sébire, a 52-year-old woman living in France with an incurable cancerous tumor in her nasal cavity that had totally distorted her face over the years of duration of her sickness, comes to mind. She had petitioned the French courts for some time to be allowed to undergo assisted suicide. Her doctors stated they would be willing to help her, should the law decide that they could legally do so. This permission, however, was not granted, as President Sarkozy requested another rigorous round of clinical testing be done.

Madame Sébire died several days later, and as we now know it was not a natural death. The argument given by French courts that doctors are not there to prescribe lethal drugs, is right if we consider the atrocious events that occurred under the guise of medical experiments during the Holocaust. However, when our domestic pets are in pain or no longer have a quality of life, do we not opt to make their end less difficult? Am I saying that we should equate our human loved ones, or, indeed, ourselves, to our pets? Of course not. However, I am saying that we should have the same rights as those that we would give our pets. We as humans, are not less than they are, and yet we do not have those same rights.

Over the past four years seven individuals I was close to have died. Some were friends and some were relatives. They died in Mexico, Spain, the UK, Canada, and South Africa. One in particular suffered horrendously prior to death. Palliative care was not enough. Was the suffering necessary? Another was well on the road to similar suffering. Palliative care was soon not going to be enough. Help was given. The road was shortened. The process was more dignified, more loving, easier. Choices were offered and taken. Is that wrong??

A Time article states: "Some French observers of Sébire's case note that laws banning assisted suicide haven't prevented it. Instead, they say, the prohibition has only sent the practice underground, where doctors and medical workers secretly consent to respect patients' pleas to end their lives via over-medication or other means that aren't often detected. Some suspect that may be how Sébire finally died. "I find it very difficult not to offer an exit door that isn't one of love with one's family," commented French Foreign Minister and trained doctor Bernard Kouchner on radio station RMC Thursday. In the future, he said, France must prevent desperate terminal patients from "having to commit suicide in some kind of clandestine manner in which everyone suffers — especially their loved ones. I have a lot of admiration for Chantal Sébire [and] we must create an exception to the law... that would be human, necessary."

Photo Courtesy of Windswept Art

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Theta Healing

View of La Concha, Marbella, Spain
Thanks to an acquaintance in Florida, Gwenn Bonnell, herself an energy worker, I was made familiar with another energy work modality called theta healing, which has been developed by Vianna Stibal, an amazing lady who cured herself of terminal bone cancer, and has since gone on to cure many others of a variety of ailments, and who has also gone on to teach theta healing to many more.

Vianna's book, ThetaHealing, not only describes the journey she underwent in order to come to the place in which she currently is, with thousands all over the world having benefitted from the technique, but also shares much of the actual process.
Amazon.com writes "Vianna Stibal is a grandmother, an artist and a writer. Her natural charisma and compassion for those in need of help have also given her the ability to be titled healer , intuitive and teacher . After being taught how to connect with God to co-create and facilitate this unique process called Theta Healing, Vianna knew that she must share this gift with as many people as she could. It was this love and appreciation for God and fellowman that allowed her to develop the ability to see clearly into the human body, effectively change DNA and dramatically change lives for the better. Her encyclopedic knowledge of the body's systems and deep understanding of the human psyche, based on her own experience as well as the insight given to her by God, makes Vianna the perfect practitioner of this amazing technique. She has successfully worked with such medical challenges as Hepititus C, Epstein-Barr, AIDS, herpes, tumors, various types of cancers, and many other conditions, diseases and genetic defects. Vianna knows that the Theta Healing technique is teachable, but beyond that she knows that it needs to be taught. Vianna conducts seminars all over the world to teach people of all races, beliefs and religions. She has trained teachers and practitioners who are working in fourteen countries, but her work will not stop there! Vianna is committed to spreading this healing paradigm throughout the world. "

There are currently some YouTube videos available to see a little more. The woman in these videos is Melinda Lee, a certified medical intuitive healer, herself a former student of Vianna Stibal's, who now teaches and practices Theta Healing also.

Here are two of them (each less than 5 minutes long):

Theta Healing Part I:




Theta Healing Part II: