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Monday, April 30, 2007

Anonymous Reader and Relationship Woes

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Anonymous left this comment appended to my post dated April 5th about Wallowing in Relationship Pain:

Being married for 20 years and having 5 kids together creates a definite bond between a man and a woman. Words cannot describe the feeling a woman has when she devotes that sort of time and effort towards her family and her marriage not to mention the huge sacrifice only to find out that he is cheating, lying about you being a boring fat non-social lead weight to him and that he decided he doesn't want to be a dad anymore. He wants to trade it all in for a drinking at the bar social life with professional women sex goddesses who make as much as he does who never cared to have any kids and who are skinny as a rail because they don't eat anything but salads. You want to cry because you just know that there is some desperate half drunk lonely female out there who will be taken in by his charm and charisma just as you were and lose it all and be left behind just the same way too. He's a great lover and the thought of him being with another lover makes you want to throw up and somewhere in the back of your mind, you wonder if he will call her your pet names and if he will use the sexual moves you taught him on her. Jealously, rage, plain old sick to your stomach feelings arise. I don't think I enjoy wallowing in this pain. Rather, I would do anything NOT to be in love with him anymore because he clearly isn't in love with me having treated me this way and traded me in like I was ready for the glue factory now that I hit fifty. I just feel so damned empty inside like I have no more to give anyone else ever again, nor do I ever again want to try to trust someone to have a relationship. This time was the charm and I realized the chances of finding real honest love out there are pretty slim in today's world. People are out for themselves to use and abuse. Some men like to use you up and then dump you for their own selfish needs. It is what it is, one big lie. Men are about money, sex, and how you look, not about the beautiful person you are inside or how loving and giving you are to them. They think with their lower anatomy and will tap every thing that moves if given the chance. I feel like the world's biggest joke and bust out though when I look in the mirror I see a very tired, yet beautiful intelligent woman who has been hurt beyond belief and who will never be able to love another man every again after all of this. And men wonder why women turn into bitches - now I know exactly why they do!

As I read this, my heart bled for this anonymous reader. I encourage her - and anyone who has been in her shoes (and I know the world holds many of you) - to read one of the articles on my website titled I Need You...I Need You Not from the July 2006 Newsletter.

I also encourage those of you who feel this way, no matter what your particular circumstances, to realize that relationship pain must serve a purpose other than simply to cause you pain, and make you feel bitter, and resentful, and to say to yourself that you will never be able to trust another human being again. Relationship pain must bring you to a new place of realization about yourself, a place where you recognize that ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves and our lives.

How, you ask can you be responsible for someone who behaves the way this woman's husband did, or for the things he brought about in her life? It's not that you should take responsibility for that, but for how you react to the things that he did. Here is where you can find greater growth and inner freedom. See also my February 2006 Newsletter Making Choices: Taking Responsibility For Our Lives. What happened is not my anonymous reader's fault, but how she now decides to live the rest of her life, and how she now decides whether this rest of her life is full of growth and ultimately joy, or not, is once again her choice, and her responsibility...no matter what he did. She can decide to move forward, or remain in her pain about his betrayals. It really is a choice and it can lead to great freedom and growth.

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