WELCOME TO THIS BLOG


"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Friday, June 26, 2015

Playing Your Hand the Best Way You Can


Were you born with a silver spoon in your mouth? Were things handed to you on a silver tablet? Did Lady Luck follow you everywhere? Were you gifted with the greatest intellect, strongest muscles, most lithesome body, or most artistic creativity, business acumen, or a way with words?

In other words, were you dealt a winning hand?

Probably not. Most of us were not. But you were dealt some cards. Perhaps you are very determined. Or very sociable. Or a great natural speaker. Or have an uncle who is a superlative tennis coach. Or a mother who believes in you. Or are given the opportunity to travel and expand your mind. Perhaps your card is that teacher in the rather ordinary school you attended in the wrong part of town who showed you light in your future in a way no one else ever had. Perhaps your card is a librarian who took an interest in you when you were seven. Perhaps you were able to join the school orchestra and flew into life with an instrument you related to more than anything else in your life. In other words, perhaps the cards you were dealt weren't dynamite at first glance, but they gave you an opportunity.

And of course therefore it's up to you to play that hand, even when it's not superb. What you make of yourself is, in so many ways, up to you ... and sometimes we get that one card - perhaps even two - that move us along our path. And sometimes - even perhaps often - the card doesn't appear until we're older, and so it's even more important that you are prepared to play it by having made use of everything you have up to that point. Don't waste your time bemoaning a fate that appears to be less fortunate than another's. Don't compare. How many people have you not heard of in the nightly news who frittered away their fortune - whether it consisted of money, good genes, a well-placed family, early success in their chosen arena, or any other such element you care to imagine. Their cards were excellent, and yet they did not use them. They threw them away. I repeat: don't compare. Also don't complain. Neither are useful to you. Follow what you have in your hand and make it count. Play your hand well. It was Jack London who said: Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes playing a poor hand well.

*********************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming soon)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher demnächst auf Deutsch
Mis libros en español próximamente

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit demnächst auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Your Inner Butterfly


Speaking to a teenager the other day, who is beginning his first year of college, I reminded him of the age-old symbol of the butterfly emerging from the chrysalis, and how he - the teen - would be going through that process as well at each stage of his life. And right now, it meant leaving the safety and security of his family and venturing out to live in another country and to begin studies that were very different, and almost certainly, very challenging compared to what he had been doing up to this point. This symbolizes the emergence of the butterfly in him - at this stage of his life - that has been preparing over all these past years to be able to come out of the chrysalis (of his own making) in order to continue his trajectory as a butterfly.

In our lives this may happen over and over again, each time we come to a new stage that we have been preparing for, and find, that as we struggle to reach the place we want to arrive at, that we can't yet see the butterfly. It is there, just as in nature, that butterfly is there in the 'imaginal' cells within the chrysalis long before the butterfly actually emerges and can be seen in all its splendor. The magnificent Jean Houston once said: We all have the extraordinary coded within us, waiting to be released.

Are you preparing to release your butterfly?

Photo: Monarch Butterfly emerges from the chrysalis - National Geographic 

*********************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming soon)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher demnächst auf Deutsch
Mis libros en español próximamente

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit demnächst auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.


Monday, June 22, 2015

All Those Things To Which You Give Your Consent


Would you give your consent for someone to hit you? Someone to spit at you? Someone to step on you? Of course not!

Would you give your consent for someone to insult you, rant at you, shout at you, denigrate you verbally, or laugh at you? Of course not!

Would you give your consent for someone to push you around, to kick you, to splash mud on you, to through rotten eggs at you, or to arbitrarily cut off your hair? Of course not!

And yet that is exactly what we do when we allow others to make us feel inferior when they look at us a certain way, or move their mouth in a certain way, or speak to us in a certain way. We feel inferior because of something they have said or done, and yet that is only possible because we are tacitly allowing ourselves to feel that way. In other words, we feel inferior because of something inside of us that is triggered by their words.

This post is not meant to substitute some real work that you can do on yourself, but it is meant to serve as a red flag that you can observe and take notice of, the next time it happens to you, so that then you can see it for what it is instead of blaming the other for making you feel less than you are. Therefore, by recognizing that it lies in you, the process of working on it can begin. And that begins by understanding that first you must love the self. And loving the self begins by making a priority of your own inner well-being.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt


*********************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming soon)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher demnächst auf Deutsch
Mis libros en español próximamente

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit demnächst auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.


Thursday, June 18, 2015

Exactly Where Does Your Fear Live?


What do you fear more than anything? What do those dreams that jolt you back into consciousness consist of? Is it losing a child? Is it being alone? Is it not having enough money? Is it not being 'anybody'? Is it being ill and not having anyone to care for you? Is it growing old? Is it not knowing which decision to take at a crucial time of your life?

Whatever it is, consider this: your thoughts are what churn the fear into activity. Hence your thoughts in some fashion create the fear. Think for a moment of one of your fears. Now think another thought about that same fear where you project yourself into a future where that fear has become a reality. Now imagine how it would be for you in that hypothetical future. You can see that each thought adds weight and pressure and stress to the thought that came before and the one before that.

But now imagine you have the same first thought you did above about one of your fears. And you decide - from a very aware and conscious position - to refuse to give more attention to that particular thought. You might tell it something like: I know I haven't solved you yet. I know that somewhere inside of me you continue to live, because you 'pop' into my head often. But just for now, just for today, instead of thinking more about you, I'm going to focus on something different. And then you could focus on beauty or gratitude (also see the many articles about these subjects here on the blog by clicking on the labels belowor do a mindfulness walk, or use any other healthy technique to help you shift to another energetic state. That shift - while at the beginning it will not last very long - is nevertheless something that helps you not only feel better, but also helps you think about your problem differently, or helps you move on to something more productive. So if necessary, repeat the action that allows you to feel the shift as often as possible during the course of one day, and you will quickly notice how much less often you think the fear thoughts. Why? Because you are whittling away at one neural pathway, and creating a new and better one.

It was Dale Carnegie who said: You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind.

Image: Temple in the Batu Caves, Malaysia

*********************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming soon)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher demnächst auf Deutsch
Mis libros en español próximamente

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit demnächst auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.


Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Light Dispels Dark - Love Dispels Hatred


Once a candle has been lit in a dark room, the darkness will be dispelled and the room will be light, and will continue to be light, as long as the candle burns, and as long as other candles continue to be lit from the flame of the initial candle.

A friend commented yesterday that so much light is being spread in the world, that we are - perhaps - close to a critical mass. My view is slightly more jaundiced. I agree we may be very close to critical mass, but until those ways of seeing life filled with light pass over to the men and women who govern and rule, to those whose decisions make and break lives - not only in poor and developing nations, but also in our so-called first world nations, as well as in banks and trans-national corporations, not much will change. Or perhaps the push from those who form part of that critical mass to have better leaders will bring that about. I fervently hope so.

Going back to the dark room. What I wrote in the first paragraph above is so obvious.

Let's apply it to love. Once love has entered a place where there is hatred, love can begin to dispel the hatred, and the place where only hatred reigns will be smaller, and will continue to grow smaller, as long as love remains alive, and as long as others continue to bring more love after having warmed themselves in the flame of the love shown by the initial person who brought it into hatred.

Perhaps less obvious, but just as do-able as the candle metaphor.

Let us all be candles, and let our flame - our light - be filled with love.

*********************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming soon)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher demnächst auf Deutsch
Mis libros en español próximamente

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit demnächst auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.


Friday, June 12, 2015

Listen to Your Gut!


Imagine I were one of your best friends. And I ring you up and say that I'm going through a really rough patch and need to talk to someone. And I tell you that you are such a good listener and that you give great advice. So could we please have dinner tomorrow night?

You actually have some rather fun plans for tomorrow. However, because I am your good friend, you agree to break those plans and see me. You suggest we meet at a restaurant we've been at together in the past at 8:30 pm the following evening.

The next day, at about six, I call you, and tell you that I just ran into Robert, and I remind you about how much I have always been attracted to him, and that he has invited me out to dinner tonight. I say: You don't mind, do you?

Now your mind is churning with thoughts. WHAT??? you think, yesterday you were falling apart and needed to speak to someone and so asked me for time, and you know I broke my own plans to accommodate you, and now you are blowing me off? But, as you are thinking these thoughts, you are also remembering that I am your very good friend, and so now, the question is: how do you react to what I have just said to you? 

Let me interrupt this article here and explain that this hypothetical situation is one that I often pose to clients. I need to know what their reaction would be in this kind of a situation that happens - as I am confident you will agree - rather more frequently than we might like.

So: how do you react to my announcement that I am going to dinner with Robert and not with you?

(Please do think of your response - or remember the last time you were in a similar situation and how you reacted then - before reading on).

Here's the thing: many, many people respond that while they don't like it, they do in fact say that it's ok and that the other person may go ahead and have dinner with Robert.

So if this had been a test, those of you who answered the way many do, let me assure you that you failed miserably ( LOL ). But the reason you failed has to do with the fact that you have let yourself down.

Whenever I pose this hypothetical scenario, I then ask the client: do you not notice that when you are being blown off, and when you allow it, by not saying anything about it, that your gut clenches painfully? And again, most will tell me - and I am confident that in your case it is also the same - that it does indeed clench painfully. And they will often tell me that this clenching is a well-known feeling.

Let me tell you that this clenching is a message from your body to you. You may also wish to read How Your Thoughts Change Your Body and You've Got Mail ... It's From Your Body. What the clenching is saying is that you need to address this situation. You need to say to the other person that what they are doing is not acceptable.

So if you do not want to let yourself down, it is imperative that you learn how to react in situations where others do or say something you find unacceptable, and that you understand what their different reactions to you (assuming you now let them know you find it unacceptable) may mean as well.

First of all: when you feel the clenching, take it to be a message from yourself through that second brain you have in your gut (also see Introducing Our Second and Third Brains: We Do Think With Our Heart and Instinct), that it is absolutely essential that you do something about it. As stated in Part 1 of this article, if you do nothing when you have that very physical feeling, you are letting yourself down. It is tantamount to saying to yourself on this subliminal level, that you are not worth it; that you do not respect yourself enough to do it, and more importantly, that you do not love yourself enough to do it. What do you think a lifetime of giving yourself that message, does to yourself?

Once you have recognized that something needs to be done, understand that this something is based not on you correcting the other person, or becoming angry at the other person, or showing the other person how horrible they are, or how inconsiderate, or changing their way of being, rather, is based on you seeing that you care enough about yourself to speak up when an unacceptable thing is being done or said to you. (Please note that if this is a case of domestic violence, this method should not be used). This means that by speaking up about yourself, you will automatically feel better about yourself!

So if you need to speak up without getting angry, it follows that whatever you do say, needs to come from a place of calmness (even though when you begin to do this, your heart will beat in a most frightful fashion, because you will not be accustomed to doing this, and it will provoke a fear of rejection from the other in you). From this place of calmness, you can say something along the lines that whatever was just said or done is not acceptable, that it is hurtful, or inconsiderate, and in the example offered above, it shows you that the other person (who is standing you up), does not value your friendship the same way you do. You also need to give a consequence (albeit a small one, since is the first time you are speaking up about the matter at hand with this particular person), so you might simply say: Please don't do it again. It's not actually a consequence, but you are putting the other person on guard with respect to a repetition of their behavior.

When I explain this to clients, the reaction is frequently one of tension: no, they say, I could never do that. I could not say such words to another person. Then, of course, when I mention that the reason they feel they can't, is because they fear the other's reaction of potential rejection, I point out that this is a long-ingrained habit (probably rooted in childhood, although not necessarily due to abusive behavior as much, as due to perceived reactions on the part of your parents or caretakers) of allowing others to step on them in unacceptable ways, that is literally eating away at them, and it needs to be conquered in order that they may begin to feel some love for themselves. Conquering it - as conquering anything at all - is a question of tiny step after tiny step. Practice plus intention plus conscious choice.

Having now imagined that this was indeed braved, and said, I then offer several possible reactions on the part of the other. One, of course, is the dreaded rejection, where the 'friend' generally says something in a rather loud, belligerent or offensive tone of voice to the tune of what is wrong with you, it's just a dinner, I don't see what you are getting yourself so worked up about and in the meantime you are shriveling up inside because - just as you feared - you are being rejected.

At this point, I then ask the client: And is this really the kind of friend you want? This bears some thinking about. And remember, the friend is reacting this way in part because he/she is used to you allowing them to step all over you. You have accustomed them to such behavior.

However, let's assume the other person had a better reaction, and - hand over mouth - says something like: Oh my God, I am so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. Let me re-arrange matters and let's have dinner after all. Clearly this is another kettle of fish, and not only are you feeling better now because you spoke up, but more importantly, because something has been cleared up between the two of you, perhaps after decades of 'unacceptable' behavior on the part of your friend and mute acceptance on your part, and so you can both move forward on a new basis. Further, you have learned that this person is a true friend indeed.

Sadly, as you can imagine, the former reaction is much more typical, at which point your conversation has probably ended. However, despite all this, it may happen that you nevertheless continue in contact with this person, and some months down the road a similar situation ensues. At this point, you really need to refer to the first time you brought it up: we already had a situation like this a couple of months ago, and I asked you not to repeat it. You clearly care much less about our friendship than I do, so I am going to think about this whole thing. I'll be in touch when I've reached a conclusion. Once again, you are affirming to yourself that you care enough about yourself to do this, and you are showing the other person, not only that it is indeed unacceptable to treat you this way, but you are now putting a concrete consequence into the equation: don't call me, I'll call you ... once I've thought about this.

This entire situation (illustrated with one very tiny example, and of course other examples abound in the lives of those who do not take on the responsibility of proving to themselves that they love themselves) and your new behavior will bring you closer to yourself, to an inner connection to yourself and in this process you will be showing yourself that you are on the path to loving yourself in a new and much more healthy way. This is one of the roads to inner freedom and well-being.

*********************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher demnächst auf Deutsch
Mis libros en español próximamente

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit demnächst auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.


Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Changing Our World: One Person At A Time


Imagine you were once a heavy smoker. (As I was until September 1988). Or a heavy drinker. (As a dear friend of mine was until 1989). What happens when you stop? Don't some of your friends sit up and take notice? Don't some of them (perhaps only one of them) also stop? So by changing something about yourself, someone else observed it, and changed something about him or herself.

So what happens if you change something about your character? Perhaps you become kinder, more considerate, or as I discussed in this post, less critical, less impatient, less judgemental, etc. Is there not also someone observing this? Perhaps that someone isn't necessarily an individual who knew you the way you were before, but who is merely observing you now, and who has decided that they like the way you are, and want to be like that too. And so they change - at least in this regard - thanks to something they observed about you.

And what happens if by making these changes, you become so much more aware of yourself? You become conscious at all times, instead of only in moments of great intensity - good or bad - (which is when many first glimpse the effects of being fully conscious). And by so doing, you realize that you are, in fact, responsible for your own happiness and so you begin to take charge of your inner state of well-being, as opposed to allowing external circumstances dictate how you feel. And in so doing you increase the love you have for yourself. And while all of this is happening, someone else is observing you, and is thinking that they want that inner equanimity, that innner harmony that you have. And so they model you, or emulate you in some fashion, in order to bring about some changes in their own lives.

And then - as I imagine you will have already realized - another someone - observes the changes taking place in the person that initially observed you, someone who has no clue who you are, or even that the person they are observing made changes because of the fact that they observed you, and this third someone, now begins making some changes of their own. It becomes an exponentially growing pyramid of ever more changing and growing individuals who thus come to an increased place of inner well-being and joy.

This is how we can ALL change the world one person at a time. It's a win-win situation because you gain inner peace and freedom and others do as well, and eventually, if enough do it, the world will - in fact - also change. What are you doing today to change the world?


*********************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher demnächst auf Deutsch
Mis libros en español próximamente

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit demnächst auf Deutsch bei Amazon erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en español por todo el mundo próximamente en Amazon.


Monday, June 8, 2015

Coming of Age Emotionally


Emotional maturity has little to do with chronological maturity. It may come before you become an adult, or you may have been an adult for decades, and still not have attained any kind of emotional maturity.

"In our emotional lives we tend to attract to us - and have relationships with – people who have attained (or stagnated at) the same level of emotional maturity as we have." That quote is from my latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin)

What that quote implies is very important. You might have a relationship with someone who is very sophisticated in all manner of mundane ways, and who is, nevertheless, emotionally immature. You may have noticed this. You may think to yourself: how can he/she be so childish (in that emotional sense), and yet so worldly and intelligent in all those other ways?

You - or anyone else - didn't necessarily grow up in a "balanced" way on all different levels. So you might have an advanced degree from an institution of higher learning, or you might be a whiz on Wall Street and be pulling in millions, or you might be a genius in quantum physics, or you might be an amazing ballerina or concert pianist who has fought tirelessly to reach that degree of perfection, or you might be the person who invented a late-gen chip that beats all other chips for data storage, or you might be the world's number one tennis player, or that actress who won so many awards. The point is, you may have developed on many levels to an ultra-high degree, but your emotional growth and development - in a word, your emotional maturity - may have not kept pace with the rest.

Why this happens is easily understandable, and here are just a few of the reasons: 
  • We are generally raised by parents who themselves lacked emotional maturity - not because they were immature in everything, but because they, in turn, were raised by their emotionally immature parents - and what we don't see - in our parents or caretakers - as we are growing up, is that much harder to acquire. In other words, they (and we) lacked the appropriate role models in this regard.
  • As a corollary of the above point, due to their emotional immaturity, our parents frequently saddle us with emotional situations or events that cause us to internalize something subconsciously that hurts, and on that same visceral level we interpret it as danger, and that is the place where our defense mechanisms begin to raise their toxic heads (which are the reasons why psychotherapists such as myself exist).
  • Our society doesn't exactly honor the 'inner' quest; hence self-reflection is becoming a lost art and therefore the above two points, while perhaps vaguely there in our understanding, are not consciously taken into account and then worked on, honed, and refined in our desire to grow up in that way - emotionally - that may so very much - and so very long - hinder and hamper our lives.
  • Therefore awareness and being conscious of the self are not generally qualities we pick up at home or school ... not even at church.
  • Finally, due to all of the above, we also do not tend to have role models while we are growing up, that teach us how to love ourselves, and that hinders coming of age emotionally in crucial ways. 
So back to the quote at the beginning of this post: In our emotional lives we tend to attract to us - and have relationships with – people who have attained (or stagnated at) the same level of emotional maturity as we have.

Due to the lack of development in the emotional part of your psyche, and due to the reasons it is like that (as I have briefly illustrated in this post), wherever you are at emotionally - let's equate it to grade 5 at school - you will (ideally) need to grow in order to progress. How do children in grade 5 tend to learn? They go to class with others at the grade 5 level. And so we attract to us and have relationships with people who have attained the same level of emotional maturity as we have. At that level there will - eventually, after the first glow has worn off - be friction. You may blame it on your partner. But once you are aware enough that you are part of this dance, and start to take responsibility for yourself and all you think, feel, say, and do, is when you start to change and grow. If you are lucky, your partner will do the same, and by growing together, your relationship has high possibilities for prospering. If your partner is not interested in growth, or prefers to remain at the status quo, you might have to look elsewhere for another individual who is - now - at this new level you have attained in your emotional maturity (we might call it grade 6). And of course it could be the other way around: that it is your partner who has taken steps to growth, and that it is you who wish to remain in your comfort zone.

Either way, change will come. Where are you at, on that continuum of coming of age emotionally? 

*********************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher auf Deutsch ab Frühjahr 2015 
Mis libros en español a partir de la primavera de 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit auf Amazon ab Frühjahr 2015 erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros globalmente en Amazon en español a partir de la primavera de 2015.


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Emerging From the Mud


The symbol of the lotus emerging from the mud in all its glory has always seemed to me to be so very appropriate for our inner journey of transformation. While the lotus is invisible, because it is still under the mud, it is nevertheless undergoing a monumental process of perfection in order to finally be able to arise above the surface.

In our lives it is not a dissimilar story. The 'mud' of our lives consists of all that which ideally we would wish not to be, or all that which creates issues for us, or all that which perpetuates our blindness. Once there is an element of awareness about all of this, you could say we've taken the first step. So far, so good. But what comes then?

At this point many people find it very difficult to proceed. How to go about this process of inner transformation? What can you do? Here is a very simple formula: think a little about the things you do that perhaps are annoying in other people:
  • do you criticize?
  • do you judge?
  • do you find it important to be right and need to prove this continually?
  • are you less than loving at many moments where you could be more loving?
  • are you impatient?
  • do you blame others?
  • do you continually find your self comparing?
Concentrate only on one of these. Let's say it's your impatience. So now you focus on it. Become very aware of yourself when you feel it. Begin by realizing that it is something you wish to eradicate from your being. Then have a brief self-dialogue, when you notice impatience arising, in which you tell yourself that this something you no longer want to do. Then tell yourself, that precisely because you no longer want to do it, you will not focus on whatever it is you are impatient about any longer. Focus on beauty and gratitude instead, for example (see many previous posts about these subjects ... click on labels below). Continue with this self-dialogue until you have the current situation in hand. Repeat this process every time you become aware of your impatience again. It may take weeks, months, or perhaps even years, but you will find that eventually you are the one who makes these decisions about your behavior, and not blind parts of yourself that jump into being whenever things occur.

And then, once you have that particular part of you in hand, go on to the next one. And slowly begin to emerge from the mud.

*********************************

Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher auf Deutsch ab Frühjahr 2015 
Mis libros en español a partir de la primavera de 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf Deutsch: Deine Seele und Du (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit auf Amazon ab Frühjahr 2015 erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros globalmente en Amazon en español a partir de la primavera de 2015.