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"A revelation of insight into the foundations of human suffering & transcendence. It not only lays out essential steps for inner freedom and joy but illuminates the way to true human potential." Paul Rademacher, author: A Spiritual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

"The masterwork of a profoundly gifted healer of the soul. Dazzling, challenging, wondrously useful." Peggy Rubin, author: To Be and How To Be, Transforming Your Life Through Sacred Theatre

"Rewiring the Soul is one the best introductions to the spiritual life I've ever read. Not esoteric but real-world and practical. The implications are profound." Peter Shepherd, author: Daring To Be Yourself

Friday, April 24, 2015

Is Moodiness Your 'Default' Mode?


Waking up in a bad mood, or devolving into one during the course of the day, is almost always a sign of not really being aware of yourself. Moods are different from negative emotions (although both are difficult and can be dealt with if you so choose because it is a choice) in that moods are so much more all-pervasive, all-encompassing, and in some fashion appear to envelop the person affected by them in a dense fog of ... well ... moodiness. Almost as though you get lost in them, as you might get lost in the fog. Sometimes - possibly very often - you're not even quite sure exactly why you're in such-and-such a mood. Emotions, on the other hand, are more defined, crisp, and potentially closer to your awareness.

I've written a great deal (in these articles and in this blog and in this other blog) about emotions and how to deal with them. Today I want to address mood and moodiness.

You've probably been in this situation: you come home and find your partner wearing a dour expression. Or a sour one. Or perhaps the curves of his/her mouth are simply etching a moue. So you ask: What's wrong, dear? And you are told: Nothing. Of course you know something is wrong, but even if you probe a bit further - at this particular point, you most certainly don't appear to be getting a reply. And perhaps the most difficult part about trying to understand  it tends to be the fact that you could get this same answer whether or not you have done anything to cause the mood, according to your partner.

Another situation related to mood can be observed when someone asks you how you are, and you realize that you are not only not 'good', but that you've been in a foul mood since Monday. And you hadn't really stopped to think about it ... you just were living inside that foul mood.

What's not right with this scenario? If you are in a mood of some kind you may know that you are annoyed about something, or upset in some way, or just plain down or miserable, but the lack of a clear answer, realization, or understanding about exactly what is going on, tells you that some, if not a lot, of awareness around this mood is missing. With missing awareness comes missing self-responsibility for the mood (remember that 'you are always responsible for your happiness'), as well as a missing self-responsibility for being not only more forth-coming with your partner, but also for being kinder, more considerate, and simply - less moody - with your partner in the face of a question (such as in the first example). Also, with missing awareness, comes a further missing decision to make better choices, and finally - and most importantly, comes a lack of self-caring and self-love. If you care for yourself, and if you love yourself in healthy ways, you will 'catch' those moods when they threaten to overtake you, and you will very proactively do something about them, not because you're going to pretend that this or that isn't wrong in your life, but because you don't want to be caught in a sticky spiderweb of your own blind reactions to life. Taking care of this is a huge part of what it means to love yourself. If you are not yet taking care of it on a regular basis; i.e., catching it as it happens, and then choosing to change it, you will have to trust me that you have not yet really begun to love yourself.

Doing something about the moods has to do with your self-dialogue. What do you tell yourself when a bad mood overtakes you like a thundercloud overtakes a sunny afternoon? There can be countless variations, but you probably are familiar with your own. So therefore it has to do with you then choosing to change that narrative. Perhaps a part of the new one is: I don't really want to be here - in this moody state - so I'm going to do something about it. Perhaps that 'something' is deliberately focusing on beauty and gratitude in order to make a mindful energetic shift. It won't be huge, but it will take you in the right direction. And if you then continue on that particular road, and if you have time, you might choose (because you care for yourself and your inner well-being) to take a mindfulness walk (which will help you also change the state of your thoughts if you practice it on a daily basis) and/or to vamp up that good energy that is beginning to build up by further listening to, viewing, or reading some inspirational and motivational material (so much is freely available on the web). You want to bring yourself to a point where this higher inner energetic frequency is part of who you are; is part of your 'default' mode. These are choices you can make on a daily basis and they will have an enormous impact - if you continue doing them - on the quality of your life.


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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher auf deutsch ab Frühjahr 2015 
Mis libros en español a partir de la primavera de 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf deutsch: Wiedervereinigung mit der Seele (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit auf Amazon ab Frühjahr 2015 erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros globalmente en Amazon en español a partir de la primavera de 2015.


Wednesday, April 22, 2015

The Life You Don't Lead


Oscar Wilde said: One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.

Why would the life that one doesn't lead be one's real life? Think for a moment how frequently you get side-tracked by what others think. You have a plan or a desire or an idea, and then, because of censure you feel you might receive from others or because someone says something to you that is critical or derisory about what you are planning, you set your own ideas aside.

Just like that hey have been annihilated. Blown away like leaves in the wind. And you can't really blame the other person - they merely stated their opinion. The problem is that you listened, and let it affect you to the point that you buried your own thoughts and are now living life - at least in this regard - according to what the other person has said, and so now where is your own life?

See also my March 2006 newsletter: Intentional Focus: Your Happiness, Your Success, and the Law of Attraction and my August 2007 newsletter: Making Fear of the Unknown Work for You.

So once you recognize that you aren't leading the life you wish to lead, you need to make some changes. Most of them have to do with becoming aware of your own thoughts about things that are said to you, how you then react to those thoughts, and even whether you decide to share information to others. But remember: sometimes the censure you receive is totally based on your thoughts of what others think as opposed to what anyone has said, hence learning to deal with your own thoughts is paramount. Look under the label for thoughts below this article to find previous posts about the subject, with information about how to be the one who is in charge of your thoughts and reactions, as opposed to being at their mercy.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher auf deutsch ab Frühjahr 2015 
Mis libros en español a partir de la primavera de 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf deutsch: Wiedervereinigung mit der Seele (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit auf Amazon ab Frühjahr 2015 erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros globalmente en Amazon en español a partir de la primavera de 2015.


Monday, April 20, 2015

Self-Actualizing People


Long before I read about Abraham Maslow in my psychology classes, I had been introduced to him by Wayne Dyer, who often speaks of the influence Maslow - one of the founders of humanistic psychology - had on him during his formative years at university. Maslow is the psychologist who came up with the theory of the hierarchy of needs in 1943 that has been taught in psychology departments at most universities ever since. This theory contends that as humans meet basic needs such as safety, food, sex, and companionship, they then seek to satisfy successively higher needs - growth needs - most particularly self-actualization.

So Dyer relates that Maslow often said that the difference between self-actualizers and ordinary people is that self-actualizers never put their attention on:
  • what is missing in their lives
  • what is in their lives (if they don't like what is)
  • what has always been
  • what used to be (the past)
but they put their attention on, and they keep it on what they intend to manifest (on their goals). It makes no difference to them what kind of negative evidence comes their way, or what kind of obstacles they run into, they never take their mind off that picture.

Henry David Thoreau had this to say about a similar subject: "If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams, and endeavor to live the life which you have imagined, you will meet with success unexpected in common hours."

Another thing Maslow often repeated to Wayne Dyer about the kind of person that self-actualizes was this:

They are different from others in that they:
  • are independent of the good opinion of others, i.e. they do whatever it is that they do because they are convinced of it, and because it drives them, not because someone else approves or disapproves, praises or criticizes

  • are detached from the outcome, i.e., they do whatever it is that they do because there is a meaning in it for them, and not because it will bring them money, fame, or good will, respect, prestige, or position in society

  • have no investment in power or control over others
Where are you on this hierarchy? How much is your life ruled by what others think, or how much you can control them, as opposed to being ruled by what you have decided you want to achieve because you have made conscious choices about your purpose in life?

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher auf deutsch ab Frühjahr 2015 
Mis libros en español a partir de la primavera de 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf deutsch: Wiedervereinigung mit der Seele (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher weltweit auf Amazon ab Frühjahr 2015 erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros globalmente en Amazon en español a partir de la primavera de 2015.


Thursday, April 16, 2015

Walking Away From Anger: Forgiving


This topic is so multi-faceted, that entire books could be - and have been - written about it. Today I merely want to touch on a tiny aspect of it. But a hugely important one.

When you experience great anger around a relatively small incident ... say, for example, that you return to your parked car and find that the driver's side is blocked by a motorcycle, parked in such a way that you can scarcely open your door, let alone get in, meaning you now have to climb in from the passenger side and maneuver over the gear shift, and you notice that the anger that surges in you makes you want - even if only in your mind - to do physical harm to the inconsiderate being who did this to you ... then it's not just about anger. Something else is going on.

While we can all understand anger, it is important to recognize that such strong anger over an incident that is  - in the grand scheme of things - something relatively minor, is anger that does not in fact come specifically due to the incident, but has its roots in something different. It might be childhood hurts or being abandoned (physically, emotionally, psychologically), it might be feeling misunderstood in other earlier moments of life that were never addressed, and so now, whenever something happens that causes you to feel mistreated, ignored, or "dumped" in some fashion, anger arises that is generally far greater than the situation merits.

Understand that this is a message from you to you. A clue that something is amiss. A signal that you might wish to examine what is going on under the magnifying glass of your past.

And once you have done that - even if just in cursory fashion - you are ready to take the next step in order to resolve, or begin to resolve this thing in you that creates such anger: you are ready to consider that you might wish to forgive ... that you might wish to choose to forgive. Not for the other person's sake, not for anything or anyone else but yourself. In order to be able to lay this to rest. In order to be free of it. In order to be able to live in peace. And as you do it, as you begin to forgive, you begin to show yourself that you love yourself.

Related Articles:
Note: this post was previously published on this blog

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher auf deutsch ab Frühjahr 2015
Mis libros en español a partir de la primavera de 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf deutsch: Wiedervereinigung mit der Seele (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher auf Amazon ab Frühjahr 2015 erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en Amazon en español en todo el mundo a partir de la primavera de 2015.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Still Hunting for that Elusive Happiness?


When you finally go out to buy that product you've seen touted in magazine ads and TV commercials,  or perhaps a friend has also recommended it, you actually go buy it because – or so our marketers tell us – you've seen it or heard about it a minimum of nine times. It’s a bit like that when you decide to make changes in your life: you may see the value of doing so when you read an article or a friend tells you, but very possibly you don't in fact do so until you've heard or read about it quite a few times. That is why today I am writing yet another article about happiness … the elusiveness of happiness.

Here are some of the main ingredients you will need in order to change your life from continually pursuing happiness and not reaching it, to a life where happiness simply is:

Loving Yourself: This is essential. Without this, nothing else will fall into place. And please, it’s not about taking long baths with scented candles scattered around the tub (although that is a great thing to do). What loving yourself is about is the recognition that while you are not in a place of good inner well-being, you are neglecting to do something that shows you that you love yourself. It means that you can choose to take yourself to a better inner place at all times, no matter what the circumstances.

Read also:
Developing Good Boundaries: This is also essential. How can you possibly be happy as long as your boundaries continue to be transgressed by others? How can you possibly be happy as long as you allow your boundaries to continue to be transgressed by others? Working on having good boundaries shows the inner self that you love it. So this one goes hand in hand with the first point.

Read also:
Being Responsible for Yourself: So often people tell me they hate this. If you become responsible for yourself, you can no longer blame anyone or anything. Your external circumstances – no matter how apparently difficult they are – do not mean that you should blame them for how terrible you feel. How you feel is your responsibility. Full stop. What you do – at all times – is your responsibility. How you react – always- is your responsibility. No matter what.

Read also:
Making Healthy Choices: Guess what? This one is also essential and goes 100% hand-in-hand with the previous one. As long as you make choices that do not benefit you, you haven’t much hope of finding that elusive quality you are searching for: happiness. So here’s what that means: understand that at every moment of every day you are making choices (even if you choose not to make one). Those choices compose the sum total of your days, your weeks, and hence your life. So it is entirely up to you to make choices about everything that is going on that benefit you. If you find yourself in a terrible bind; a really challenging place, you  can choose your thoughts about this challenge. You can choose where those thoughts go and hence you have a hand in deciding how you feel thanks to the thoughts you have chosen. And remember: you always have a choice!

Read also:
Forgiving: Bet you don’t like that one. But here’s the thing: if you don’t forgive, happiness will absolutely elude you. If you don’t forgive, you’ll continue to vibrate to past pain. It will eat at you – perhaps only every so often when you think of the past event – but it will corrode your happiness as surely as acid destroys metal. Deciding to forgive; choosing to forgive, is elementary to happiness. Forgiving does not mean condoning. It does not mean you have to love or hug that person that did whatever it was to you. It also doesn’t mean that you have to have any kind of relationship with that person at all. You need not even let that person know that you have forgiven him or her. But forgiving him or her is one of the tasks you’ve set yourself in this life. Without it, your happiness will never be more than partial and temporary.

Read also:

Being Aware:  None of the above will work without awareness. So in fact, all of these elements are so intertwined, that by working on one you will also run face-to-face into the others. Leaving one out signifies that the work you do on the others is incomplete. Being aware means first and foremost standing in an engaged relationship with yourself. It means paying attention to what you’re thinking and feeling. It means choosing to make better choices by taking more responsibility for yourself and loving yourself in ways that show you that you love yourself. You’ll know when you’re doing it because you will feel so good inside, even if just for a moment. Even your body will give confirmation of that fact by how it momentarily feels.

Read also:
There are also many articles directly about the subject of happiness both on here on my blog and on my website with much more information.

Remember: it’s up to you whether you are happy, not your circumstances.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher auf deutsch Frühjahr 2015 / Mis libros en español primavera 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf deutsch: Wiedervereinigung mit der Seele (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher auf Amazon im April 2015 erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en Amazon en español en todo el mundo a partir de abril 2015.


Friday, April 10, 2015

Coming of Age Emotionally


Emotional maturity has little to do with chronological maturity. It may come before you become an adult, or you may have been an adult for decades, and still not have attained any kind of emotional maturity.

"In our emotional lives we tend to attract to us - and have relationships with – people who have attained (or stagnated at) the same level of emotional maturity as we have." That quote is from my latest book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin

What that quote implies is very important. You might have a relationship with someone who is very sophisticated in all manner of mundane ways, and who is, nevertheless, emotionally immature. You may have noticed this. You may think to yourself: how can he/she be so childish (in that emotional sense), and yet so worldly and intelligent in all those other ways?

You - or anyone else - didn't necessarily grow up in a "balanced" way on all different levels. So you might have an advanced degree from an institution of higher learning, or you might be a whiz on Wall Street and be pulling in millions, or you might be a genius in quantum physics, or you might be an amazing ballerina or concert pianist who has fought tirelessly to reach that degree of perfection, or you might be the person who invented a late-gen chip that beats all other chips for data storage, or you might be the world's number one tennis player, or that actress who won so many awards. The point is, you may have developed on many levels to an ultra-high degree, but your emotional growth and development - in a word, your emotional maturity - may have not kept pace with the rest.

Why this happens is easily understandable, and here are just a few of the reasons:

·                     We are generally raised by parents who themselves lacked emotional maturity - not because they were immature in everything, but because they, in turn, were raised by their emotionally immature parents - and what we don't see - in our parents or caretakers - as we are growing up, is that much harder to acquire. In other words, they (and we) lacked the appropriate role models in this regard.
·                     As a corollary of the above point, due to their emotional immaturity, our parents frequently saddle us with emotional situations or events that cause us to internalize something subconsciously that hurts, and on that same visceral level we interpret it as danger, and that is the place where our defense mechanisms begin to raise their toxic heads (which are the reasons why psychotherapists such as myself exist).
·                     Our society doesn't exactly honor the 'inner' quest; hence self-reflection is becoming a lost art and therefore the above two points, while perhaps vaguely there in our understanding, are not consciously taken into account and then worked on, honed, and refined in our desire to grow up in that way - emotionally - that may so very much - and so very long - hinder and hamper our lives.
·                     Therefore awareness and being conscious of the self are not generally qualities we pick up at home or school ... not even at church.
·                     Finally, due to all of the above, we also do not tend to have role models while we are growing up, that teach us how to love ourselves, and that hinders coming of age emotionally in crucial ways.

So back to the quote at the beginning of this article: In our emotional lives we tend to attract to us - and have relationships with – people who have attained (or stagnated at) the same level of emotional maturity as we have.

Due to the lack of development in the emotional part of your psyche, and due to the reasons it is like that (as I have briefly illustrated in this article), wherever you are at emotionally - let's equate it to grade 5 at school - you will (ideally) need to grow in order to progress. How do children in grade 5 tend to learn? They go to class with others at the grade 5 level. And so we attract to us and have relationships with people who have attained the same level of emotional maturity as we have. At that level there will - eventually, after the first glow has worn off - be friction. You may blame it on your partner. But once you are aware enough that you are part of this dance, and start to take responsibility for yourself and all you think, feel, say, and do, is when you start to change and grow. If you are lucky, your partner will do the same, and by growing together, your relationship has high possibilities for prospering. If your partner is not interested in growth, or prefers to remain at the status quo, you might have to look elsewhere for another individual who is - now - at this new level you have attained in your emotional maturity (we might call it grade 6). And of course it could be the other way around: that it is your partner who has taken steps to growth, and that it is you who wish to remain in your comfort zone.

Either way, change will come. Where are you at, on that continuum of coming of age emotionally?

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is available globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble and other fine online booksellers.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (Spanish & German - coming Spring 2015)

 

Note: If you are wondering why this blog is now only appearing on alternate days (excluding Sat/Sun), it is because I also post on my other blog on the others days. That other blog is The Tao of Spiritual Partnership, so named for another one of my books. Click here to visit the blog and/or to sign up for the feed.

My blog posts are also featured on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest & you can find me on Instagram

Meine Bücher auf deutsch Frühjahr 2015 / Mis libros en español primavera 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf deutsch: Wiedervereinigung mit der Seele (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher auf Amazon im Frühjahr 2015 erhaltbar sein.

Empezando con Rewiring the Soul - en español: Reconectar con el Alma (blog aquí), se podrán encontrar mis libros en Amazon en español en todo el mundo a partir de la primavera de 2015.


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Telling Yourself the Truth


Asking the question whether you tell yourself the truth, implies that you may be lying to yourself. If you lie to yourself, the important thing is to know in which areas of your life you do so. Only then, by becoming aware of, recognizing, acknowledging, and taking on responsibility for these “lies”, can you in fact do something about them. It is also necessary to understand why they even became part of your life. Some of them may have formed part of the tapestry of your life for decades, some may be recent, and some may serve a protective function. Nevertheless, wherever, however, and for whatever reason you lie to yourself, in those areas of your life where you do it, the lies take away your power and energy.

Here are some examples, and you may notice that they overlap:

  • My emotional life is good
    • but you do not face the fact that your emotions play havoc with your life because you:
§  have poor boundaries with your partner
§  are being manipulated by your mother
§  are being energetically vampirized by your “best” friend
§  allow your colleague at work to take advantage of you
§  do not really have a connection to your own emotions because you always keep a “safe” distance from your partner emotionally, even if you are married and have two children
  • I am in charge of myself – I have a good grip on myself
    • but you do not face the fact that you allow your inner well-being to sink when outer circumstances are less than perfect, for example when:
  • I am able to speak clearly and openly with the important people in my life
Understand that where we hold on to something rigidly, in this case a belief that all is well, when it is not, in other words, it is a lie we are telling ourselves – consciously or sub-consciously - we need energy to keep that lie in place. We need energy and power to keep believing something – we might call it the status quo – in order to avoid leaving our comfort zone about this particular element or issue in our life and to change something about it.

Here are two examples taken from real life (names have been changed):

  1. John is a lawyer who takes on a case for Rachel who is a friend. Rachel begins to question John about some of the things he has been telling her about the case, and despite John’s plausible answers, Rachel starts digging, and comes back to John with proof that what he said is mistaken. Not that John lied, but that somehow he made a mistake. At this point – at least theoretically – John has the choice to own up to his mistake, or to continue in a belief about himself that is not wrong, i.e. that he made no mistake. Perhaps he even finds some obscure law to back up this belief and show it to Rachel. Rachel in fact wishes to continue believing in John – as a friend and as a professional, and so takes it as the truth, but the same thing occurs again – she finds something that indicates that what John has told her is at best a mistake, and at worst, an outright lie to cover up the first mistake. This time John loses his temper and shouts at Rachel, telling her she knows nothing about the law and that she should stop questioning him, because he is an expert in the field and has been doing this type of work for decades. Perhaps at this point it is no longer possible – or cost-effective - for Rachel to change lawyers and thus she and John are married to each other for the duration of the case. But not only is the friendship one of the fatalities of John not telling himself the truth, but he is also a fatality of it because he now has an even heavier load of non-truths about himself to continue telling himself and to continue holding in place. As I said, this takes away one’s power and energy. 
  1. One day Sheila tells Margaret that she never has anything positive to say about Sheila, and that therefore Sheila is no longer comfortable with Margaret. Sheila is essentially telling Margaret that she is reconsidering the friendship. Sheila gives Margaret numerous examples of occasions when this happened just as she says. Margaret offers rebuttal after rebuttal, and essentially defends herself by going on the offensive. Sheila then disappears from Margaret’s life, and Margaret continues to defend herself. Who is telling the truth? In all probability, Margaret may need to examine what her inner stories about herself to herself are because again, in order to keep them in place, in order to continue believing in them, she has an ever-growing burden of non-truths about herself to hold in place. This takes away one’s power and energy. 
So what can you do? This is not an easy one. If you don’t see it – in other words, if you don’t see the places in your life where you lie to yourself -  then all you will see is that you are the victim of circumstance, or that others judge you, or don’t understand you, etc. It will make you sad or angry or depressed. Those emotions may be your clue that something needs to be examined. If you did not feel that way, if you felt ok with whatever is going on, it might be indicative that you are in fact, not lying to yourself. But if you go on and on about it to anyone who will listen, to explain how right you are and how much the other/s is/are wronging you, then the probability that you are not telling yourself the truth about yourself escalates. If you then are willing to examine this objectively, you might get somewhere, and in so doing, get your power and energy back. This – as so much else I have written about in these articles over the last six years, will lead to inner peace and freedom, but it requires much courage.

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Also visit my book website: www.gabriellakortsch.com where you may download excerpts or read quotations from any of my books. My new book Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin is now out globally on Amazon in print & Kindle. You can also obtain it (or any of my other books) via Barnes & Noble.

Books by Dr. Gabriella Kortsch (English)


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Meine Bücher auf deutsch Frühjahr 2015 / Mis libros en español primavera de 2015

Angefangen mit Rewiring the Soul - auf deutsch: Wiedervereinigung mit der Seele (Blog hier), werden meine Bücher auf Amazon im April 2015 erhaltbar sein.

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